Yesterday I had counselling. I ended up exchanging texts with Shitlord while I was sitting in the waiting room. It may have been that, or it may have just been the entirety of the last two weeks, but the session went kind of dark kind of fast.
I was made to fill out a "Strong Emotions Survival Plan", i.e. a suicide avoidance checklist except they they avoid the word suicide when writing things down.
And then my counsellor took a copy of it for Student Health's records. He said it was in case I came into Student Health as an emergency psych care patient (something I didn't think they did), but it felt like they were getting something to cover themselves in case my death got referred to the coroner or something.
Otherwise advice from the counsellor was that I definitely had to stop talking to the other other guy, and that I should really be working on cutting Shitlord out of my life entirely, at least for a while.
That last part is proving so hard.
My brain still defaults to suggesting him as the person I most want to talk to about pretty much anything that comes up that I want to share with someone.
It is very unhelpful.
So much unhelpful love in my stupid heart.
Yesterday evening I went to Carla and Ian's and ranted at them a bit for the evening. And enjoying the company of their cats.
Today was been hard. Had a pleasant distraction in the form of Lunch with Oli and then a walk with Firmin while he had his lunch. I have good friends.
I wore the shirt Shitlord gave me a few months back for the first time since the breakup today (I can't say 'bought me' because a while after he gave it to me he conceded it had been bought for someone else - I don't know if that means it was actually for one of his other partners). Because it is a shirt that fits well and was clean. And it didn't pick to end up mine through odd circumstances. I kind of wish I hadn't though - its history bugged me every time I noticed I was wearing it.
Otherwise have been wallowing at home with less successful distractions. Such as playing some Path of Exile for the first time in a very long time, probably over a year. The update took a long time.
Tomorrow would have been our five year anniversary, if we were still together. And if we had ever been a real relationship.
It has been plaguing my thoughts all week, and today was pretty intense and off-putting.
My brain is the dumb, and my emotions are all unhelpful.
I had been planning so many nice things for tomorrow, back when that made sense.
I also had the shit fight I was going to start a few days later somewhat planned. I wanted it to be a nice day before I stirred all the things that were giant problems in our relationship to see what could be fixed.
I had just had no idea how much I was misled as to the level of our problems.
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