The worst thing for me is me

Have been spiralling a little, which is all my own stupid fault for thinking I could human around Shitlord - especially when I was already spiralling a bit about having turned forty.
When I first got sick I was very certain that I would not just be a lingering waste of resources and now more than twelve years later I still haven't politely killed myself - which I understand was an unhealthy thing to be spiralling about but it was happening and, frustratingly, almost makes the return to Shitlord spiralling an improvement.....
He who destroyed what mental health I had through years of gaslighting, and paid so little attention that I am pretty sure he has zero concept of how damaging he is to people.  Though took blame for the pneumonia pretty quickly, before I even actually got to the blaming him part of the explanation.

I am pretty much just fucked up.

On Thursday I had a pleasant lunch outing with Midget and my goddaughter, which I had intended to Christmas shop after but was so exhausted from late night movie that it was all the spoons I had.

Friday I had lunch with Greer and then met a internet friend for a cafe beverage.  I don't think I was fun to meet in person, but he was polite about it and I may have briefly mentioned non-Shitlord topics.  Probably not a good few days to meet me in.
And again I failed to Christmas shop - did look in a few stores trying to find something for my mother, but after the go to things I know she likes don't seem to exist any more I was too exhausted t manage anything more.

I  have not been sleeping great since Shitlord texted to ask about the movie.  So much anger at myself and disappointment in him.  And confusion at my brain.

The weekend has been in my PJs, playing a mix of Pokemon Sword and Tales of Maj'Eyal while watching Netflix.  Finishing off Crazy Ex Girlfriend and then binging all of The Witcher in one go.
Unable to nap and still not sleeping so good.

And I have my follow up hospital appointment tomorrow, to check the pneumonia isn't still visible inside me.  And my actual final counselling apointment - my counsellor will be so very disappointed in the harmful decisions I have made in the last week.  Mostly the going to Star Wars.