May 2007
Skipping the country, and still entirely unprepared
2nd May 2007.
I vaccuumed this morning. The noise in my head had got too much, so I cleaned. I really shouldn't go to funerals. I don't handle death well when I know how I'm supposed to be dealing with it.
I shall have to work on defeating Death, just as to never have to go to another funeral again.
I think with writing competing blog-type things, this one may start to suffer.
I worries me that I defeat my mental health problems with mess, and living in it. When things get too much for me I clean. I let the crazy out and it takes a lot of the other crap away with it. As things go, not really a type of crazy most people would find bothering. Things get on top of me and I go crazy by tidying the house and giving it a thorough hoovering.
4th May 2007.
I'm quite stressed. It's making me feel very unwell.
My conference paper is probably fine. Most of my trip is entirely sorted. And I'm a grown man, I can handle sorting myself around one night in Toronto (the 30ish hours in Toronto is the only part of my trip not pretty much sorted). Still, I feel like I'm going to hurl. Constantly.
I'm trying to catch up with people as much as possible before I go - but it keeps not sorting. Someone (i.e. my father) will postpone a couple of hours and it throws out everything else.
And I still need shoes, as my plans to shop today went equally wrong.
I have to remember never to travel again. I do anxiety too well to do anything like this ever again. Chances are I'll manage to stress myself to death this time - which would, at least, solve the problem...
I've had a couple fo people read over my conference paper, they think it is fine. Hopefully my supervisor will agree.
Alana has dressed me well (and far to expensively), so I shall look good even if I sound like a retard.
5th May 2007.
Still stressed like a crazy. Should have gone to the pool this morning, but taking all the sleep I can get - which isn't much and is at funny times.
I've still not sorted things that need sorted, as I'm a dumb arse.
I keep trying to sort catching up with people, but everyone is all vague and I end up not being about to sort when people are availible and they all seem to clash for times and I end up seeing no-one at all and sitting at home stressing like a retard.
I'm currently signing up to couchsurfing, as I may find somewhere to sleep in Toronto that way. Or I could just go to a hostel, either would be an exciting new adventure for me. I am so sheltered.
For the second day in a row, my mentally booking to catch up with people has gone horribly wrong. I'm basically not catching up with anyone before I go. Though today it is at least through people being sick, rather than just difficult. I may go in to the office and do some more fine tuning on my presentation.
6th May 2007 - John before Port Latin.
Yesterday, I did a bit of prep for my trip and caught up with Meg, but mostly failed to achieve much. Went to a BBQ in the evening, and then to a keg party with Oli and company. Adam, the guy hosting the keg, was trying very hard to set me up with a friend of his I'd met the week before. It was pretty clear nothing was going to happen, I think I may have been the punch-line of some sort of practical joke. Unfortunately, I was too drunk to realise I was part of some cruel joke at the time, and just made a complete tool of myself. Go me and embarrassing myself horribly.
Today, I'm a bit of a wreck. International travel is seeming scarier by the day.
I'm too anxious for this sort of thing. I feel like my chest is going to explode.
I'm trying to avoid panicking by looking up couches on couchsurfing.com, but I am becoming quite certain I'm too much of a wimp to actually couchsurf. I think I may even be too much of a wimp to stay in a hostel. I have little choice on this though, as sleeping under a bridge on my one night in Toronto would be crazy.
Tomorrow I have to pack. I should be well in to it already, I leave in less than two days. But I have done nothing.
I'm not at my happiest right now.
Much of this is travel related and should probably be in my travel-blog..., but it is also crazy related so is probably best right where it is.
8th May 2007.
We hates packing, it burns us.
Alana fed me last night, and my grandparents the night before. Hooray for not having to think about food, more time in which to fail to pack.
Stress led to not sleeping last night - hopefully this will make sleeping on the plane easier and reseting my bioclock a smoother process. But we all know that's not going to happen, I'll just get jetlagged harder.
Back in a month-ish. Until then, just watch the travel-blog for details.
