Professional help backfire

So both my tremors and my anxiety are playing up (along with a bunch of unpredictable crying over nothing).

Once I would have gone, body is being extra shit and and drains me too much to manage the mood stuff.

But my psychotherapist has got all up in my head about how all my health problems may be psychosomatic.  He is too keen on the whole the body remembering thing.

So I have spent the day in a guilt/self-recriminations spiral about how I am bringing my bad health on myself by being a mental case.

It led to me being unable to bring myself to go to a friend's birthday dinner, and thus missing hanging out with every person I have thought I was in love with and remained friends with - because that is a non-weird way to describe a friend group.

I am totally non-weird.

Spiralling a little.

Sometimes I think I order too many books, but my Bookdepository wishlist still has so much on it.  I think this mostly because I have had five books arrive over the last week, and I am impatient for more.

Otherwise what has been up with my life fails to be exciting.

I have been swearing at devices when messages come up a bit, probably because I am not doing very well and an old friend who is never very aware of nuance has been a bit demanding of my attention - and I am being a bit of a cunt about it.  Because I am awful.

I saw my GP in person on Monday.  I think it is only the third time I have seen her in person after all the phone consultations.  Was so nice to just be able to swipe my card at the office and not have to do a bank transfer.  Apart from my diabetes all my other blood test markers were healthy or improved, so yay for that.  I pointed out the upcoming grain study I am doing with the University's department of medicine to avoid her trying to up my diabetes meds, or get too pointed about making me make lifestyle changes (as I don't trust myself enough to think they would end well).  She did call out my weird new eczema one my hands as suggesting I am sleeping in too cold a room.

I may have to start spending my winter energy payments on heat and not Lego.

On the topic of Lego, the Lego globe that I spent too much money on just to get the gift-with-purchase Forestmen set - I will buy all the Forestmen as I am still filled with bitterness that in 1995-6ish Phil stole the figures from my Forestmen's River Fortress 6077 and then defaced them into worthlessness.  Even all these years late a bit of anger rises in me about it when I pass him on the street.

On Tuesday I went to a cafe to celebrate a special occasion with midget.  Nova was fairly empty at the time, but being maskless in public really makes me uncomfortable.  But I had a few nice hours of chat with Midget between there, her house and chatting in her car.

Then my now monthly psychotherapy.  I told my psychotherapist that things were not on track with my mood, but we mostly ended up talking about other things.  He is very keen on convincing me that my health problems are psychosomatic which is a bit unhelpful from my perspective.  Also very keen on suggesting career paths for when I magically solve my health problems.
I realise I am fixating on tiny moments in meetings that are fundamentally fine.  They just grate and then dominate my memory of the session. He is doing his job.

On Wednesday my ridiculous order from CritRole's US store turned up.  The blanket so I could make my couch mater better (I waste money, and will die a pauper).  The polo shirt just coz.  The ridiculous unicorn hoodie that I added on impulse because it was on sale and semi-intended to give it to my sister before remember that my sister is awful.  It is dumb, but not that I have it I quite like it.  I may even wear it in public to make sure no one ever takes me seriously.

Thursday I got my first New World delivery, finally as escape from the tyranny of Countdown's monopoly.

Friday was the first Matariki - I did nothing to acknowledge it, but start rereading Boyfriend Material, which I finished today.

Also today I let the guy who at the start of the year I was referring to as a sort-of-boyfriend visit - seeing him for the first time in about 2 months.  He is still keen, and quite nice to me.  But we are not suited, we are looking for very different things.

 I have been reading Lore Olympus.  It is fairly good and is distracting me from myself a little.

Otherwise achieving nothing today.

Or yesterday when I just watching some shows (bingeing all of Severance before my AppleTV+ trial ran out) and playing with the new Werewolves pack for Sims 4.

Recently life has been a lot of being a sad boy, feeling guilty about lying about how well I was doing in life during my WellSouth CLIC interview which probably just means I convinced them I don't need services I am probably actually eligible for, and moping.

Especially moping about my CritRole Fjord jumper that is falling apart faster than expected - I only got it this month and it is already leaking stuffing from the quilted effect.

Not winning

 I have left my house only once in the last fortnight, and that was to post mail.  But somehow I still have sniffles.

I have been hiding from COVID but also hiding from people.

My depression has been kicking my arse.

I know this because of the random crying.

I could pretend,

Lie to myself,

That it is just the lack of people.

A feedback loop -

The lack of people putting me off people,

The pandemic

Is an excuse.

How did this accidentally turn in to very bad poetry.  It started as entirely prose attempt at articulating my whinge.

I think this is why this blog died on its old host, I get depressed and I stop thinking it would be useful to have a record to look back on.

And with how shit my memory has been since I got sick, time just vanishes.  Life becoming smoke, dispersed.