October 2007
Stress and snow and the evils of daylight savings.
4th October 2007.
I'd been doing a good job of writing in this thing for a bit there, and then I wasn't.
Last week I chugged at my thesis, went to soccer on Wednesday night, and to Stardust (which made me much angrier on the second watching) with Alana on Thursday. Friday night, after a day featuring a trip to the optometrist and breaking my bike, I got horribly drunk on less alcohol than one my size should be able to get horribly drunk on and embarrassed myself.
The weekend was mostly spent stuffing about as I was tired and headachey (not hungover headachey - just the other kind).
Monday, after a night of failing to sleep for reasons not entirely clear, I spent the day at school achieving bugger all and falling asleep all over the place. That evening I went to the Gold Awards and had a wonderful formal dinner and awesome foodness (while being a supportive friend - go me). That night my headache kept me awake and on Tuesday morning took the step to migraine. While migraines usually bring on fuzzy-brained-ness, this one brought on total confusion and delusions. I woke convinced I was having prophetic dreams through the pain. By afternoon, when it went back to just being a nasty headache, I felt very stupid. I'd prefer not to experience anything that close to somapsychosis.
Wednesday, I woke still feeling arse. Headachiness again having kept me awake a lot of the night. For the second day in a row I just plain didn't go to varsity. Instead I walked to south D, and picked up and paid for my glasses. My optometrist gave me a $70 discount, which makes me very happy. Though it did earn me some questioning looks from his assistant (who I think thought that I had 'earned' it (which is slightly offensive - as I'm clearly not a $70 whore, I'd never be that cheaply bought)). I then had afternoon tea with the Midget, Rachel and her tykes. In the evening I didn't go to soccer. I was really not feeling up to it.
Having new glasses has made me realise how bad my old ones have got. After only about ten minutes of wearing them, the headache had moved to a completely different part of my head and the weariness of my eyes significantly decreased. Visions got easier. Downside, I let my optometrist pick my frames and they are a little more emo than I'd like.
6th October 2007 - Faith, V. and Mart.
(Great Aunt) Lizzie (of my office) is a touch annoyed with me for not going to the doctor about the level of headaches I've been exhibiting this week. It's probably a good thing I didn't mention the pain delirium to her, or it might have lead to a full on telling off. Though had I realised how unwell I was when it was happening, I may well have considering spending the money on medical advice.
Otherwise there isn't much to add since last I wrote. I've had a pretty anti-social week. Piking on a party on my block on Saturday as I was too lazy to walk 100 metres to be sociable. Piking on soccer due to sleepiness. A quite Friday night at home reading and playing 'puter. I'm such a homebody.
On which note, I think I might get back to that book - latest Terry Pratchett, featuring Moist. I like the word moist...
Time I leave, before I embarrass myself.
Huh, I've been antisocial enough of late for Simon to comment on my uncharacteristic quietness. I assumed he'd have been enjoying it.
10th October 2007 - Gereon and his Compp.
Monday, still feeling a bit off I caved and went to student health. Their helpful advice, take painkillers and come back in a couple of weeks when they might have time for an actually doctors consultation. So This week has been spent slowly chugging at the thesis, getting nowhere. I realised today that two years ago I had over 30,000 words and thought I was about to submit. Now after all the extra work I've sunk in, I have barely over 10,000 and am going to fail. This realisation fails to make me happy.
And my supervisor today told me off for not writing fast enough. Which is true, but isn't helpful advice.
I've caved and am forking out the money to see my actual GP tomorrow - to avoid having to wait weeks for student health. Chances are my doctor will be just as useless but I live in hope.
Worst case scenario, I'll die horribly of something that could have been treated if they'd found it months ago. In which case, I smell a farewell party.
11th October 2007 - Nicasius and his Compp., Martt.
Soccer last night was not fun. My head was swimming and I felt very not good. Got some exercise though, and that is what matters.
Today, I went to my GP. 170/90 - highest since I've been on meds by a lot. Bright side, my doctor didn't weigh me or tell me off about my lifestyle of unhealthiness. He was too busy with the fact that I am actually properly sick. Seems the reason that I've been getting slowly sicker all year, and felt like death the last couple of weeks, is most likely a tumour in my adrenal system. So I'm having tests done to see if he is right.
I got the feeling from the way he put it that a tumour was the best case result - though I'm choosing this is purely from an ease-of-diagnosis perspective, and not a survival-of-Matthew one.
Anyway, it's not a big worry, or life threatening. It's just been making me slowly sicker and sicker for however long it has been there. And even if that isn't the cause - I've been assured I'm actually sick - I was a bit worried it was in my head.
I also had the weird lump on the sole of my foot frozen off. Didn't hurt at the time, no more than a little bite of discomfort. Walking home tonight, however, not so much fun.
And being that no-one who isn't me is the slightest bit interested in my health. Time I go see if cooling has saved my biscuits. My hopping on one foot baking hokey pokey biscuits has seen the recipe fail me miserable for the first time ever. They are just a bit mank and flavourless. I'm sure I did everything right, I can't see what I did wrong except rushing things a bit. And I'm sure freezer-burn couldn't affect butter that badly, or after only a few months.
My fame at baking shall be lost. How will I ever land a wife through my cookery skills now....
In funnier news, I had a chat to the guy I was accidentally stalking at a department function today. He even introduced himself - so clearly didn't think me some scary stalker type. I'm glad one of us had the sense not to let the paranoia win.
14th October 2007 - Calixtus, Pope and Mart.
Doing the urine collection, so they can see if I have a tumour or not, on the same day as starting my new meds to control the symptoms seems to be going very badly. I don't know that the collection bottle is big enough. Even though I'm avoiding drinking anything. Which covers my oversharing quota for the day.
I've found myself hoping my doctor is right. Sure, it would mean that I have a tumour but it would also mean I'll diagnosed and fixable. Otherwise diagnosis could go one for ages and I'm done with feeling sick. Time I got better. Past time.
Anyway, the days that have been. Friday I dressed as taking-the-michael-victorian as possible, even wearing my pinstripe suit pants. I got the the morning tea, and realised my effort was wasted. Everyone thought I was seriously attempting to be in theme. An orange shirt and a tie with a discoball does not say serious attempt. Honestly, some people. In the evening, after a beer at Oli's work, I picked up my now repaired bike and got stung with $250 in repair costs (creating a financial problem my father has kindly bailed me out of already). After dinner I headed back in, for a pleasant evening at the art schools end of year function. It was a surprisingly good night.
Yesterday, the doing-stuff-ness of the day before came back to bite me. I slept the morning away and did nothing more in the afternoon than watch TV with Alana, yet was still feeling utterly buggered by the time I started swimming with Meg in the evening. I came home after to a quiet night trying to watch The Hogfather with my flatmate, off a DVD that kept freezing up. We got through about 3/4 before the disc died entirely. Ah well.
Today, I'm lying about home reading a book and feeling exhausted. At least I went swimming last night, so there is almost an excuse for the many sore muscles I have going on. And I'm thirsty, but can't drink anything as the collection bottle just isn't that big. I really have to stop talking about my health. It's getting boring even to me.
18th October 2007 - Luke, Evan.
Today was the first day all week I've felt up to going to varsity, and yet I didn't. I sat by the phone all day expecting my test results. Instead my doctor's office rang to say they are being processed through Hamilton and may take a couple more days.
I've done no thesis all week, which is very bad. I've basically done nothing all week.
I did go to a seminar on thesis writing yesterday, however. It was pretty much a waste of time and aimed at people with very different problems to me. There was a lecture on I quite wanted to go to, but didn't last at varsity long enough.
Anyway, as I'm trying to not rant about my health too much, and I currently have little else to talk about. I think I'll leave now.
23rd October 2007 - Romanus, Bp.
Still no results. Darn Hamiltronian lab techs and their slowness. Darn Hamiltronians in general.
I saw Alana for her birthday on Friday, having a very pleasant lunch at Nova. In the evening I pretended I was awake and stuff through a department seminar and function afterwards - which has probably achieved nothing but making my supervisor think I'm faking my whole illness.
Saturday I spent the whole day with Alana. Lunch with Rachel and the sprogs, and then dinner of Alana's mum goodness. Before I came home, intending to play computer games for the evening, but actually being in bed very early.
Sunday morning I went swimming with Meg, and found that exercise on muscles that unjustly feel exercised already becomes unpleasant rapidly. I wandered very slowly home and spent the following day and a half limping on uncooperative leg muscles. Fortunately they were symmetrically uncooperative - so if I looked like a spaz, it was at least a symmetrical one. And for some strange reason that really matters to me right now.
Yesterday, I didn't leave the house at all (slight lie, I did go to the clothes line a couple of times and sat for a while on the laundry steps feeling disturbingly buggered by so little exertion). I intended to play Final Fantasy XII, which Lyall has finally lent me, but I mostly didn't. It's a sad state of affairs when computer games seem like too much effort.
Today, a bit of gaming, a lot of dozing and a trip to the supermarket for painkillers and chocolate which didn't result in the purchase of either thing, but about $30 worth of random other things. Not quite sure how that happened.
While I was picking up a bit at the end of last week, for the last couple of days I've been getting angrier and angrier at my stupid sickly body. Were my fate not tied to its, I'd destroy it utterly. Like that guy who pissed me off that time and whose body has never been found....
I'm about to go to a movie with Midget - that is if she turns up in time - and I suspect this is a very bad plan. Looking at the computer screen long enough to write this has me thinking fondly of curling up with a blanket over my head, so now I'm off to pay money to stare at a giant screen for a couple of hours....
Manchester, England, England....
I'm ranting and rambling - sorry.
25th October 2007 - SS. Crispin and Crispinian. Middle lessons of S. John of Beverley, Bp. and Conf.
Test result finally came back today, and said absolutely nothing useful. High creatinine (which I'm pretty sure wasn't even on the list of things to be tested for) but entirely normal everything related to the doctor's guess at what was doing me in. So now I'm just sick with no good reason again. Joy.
That said, after how many times I'd said it's not cancer, I should just be glad the universe didn't decide to spite me on it.
Anyway, I should go try and do something today - as computer screens aren't agreeing with me, I'll try the big scary Cambridge book on the history of medieval literature. I've had it out for a very long time and should finish the beast off so I can return it.
27th October 2007.
Okay. So the fact I'm not all tumour having is a good thing, saves me from an apparantly unpleasant surgery. Downside is that my doctor seems to be flummoxed and putting his head in the sand. Instead of more tests, I'm being put on some drug so new the pharmacist who filled the prescription got excited about it. And its not even approved for what I'm being given it for. Basically I'm not expecting much, and in a months time will go back and probably be given something else. My doctors current logic is that my "chronic cardiovascular condition" is causing all the other problems. The flaw I see in this is that it has got better recently (significantly so) while my symptoms have got worse.
Basically, I'm sick and grumpy.
And unpleasant.
Anyway, Thursday, after getting my results back, I was feeling not too bad and told myself that results finding nothing meant that I wasn't really sick and I headed to varsity. By the time I got there, the only thing in the world I cared about were the painkillers in my desk drawer. Hooray for painkillers at work. Even with painkillers, I couldn't look at the screen for long. So my day at the office was a giant waste. I had dinner with Alana and then slept.
Friday, doctor's office and then grumpiness. And a quiet night in.
And now this screen is getting to my eyes, and I am now not allowed painkillers. So this is me off.
31st October 2007 - Quintinus, Mart., with Nocturn. Vigil.
I had a meeting with my supervisor yesterday, who then went away and talked to the division. They want me to defer, and in exchange will look in to backdating it so that once I'm well I'll have a few extra months of thesis time. I guess I'm probably going to go along with this plan, though it means I'm going to have to go talk to WINZ as I'll be getting no more student loan payments with no longer being enrolled. I may have to become a sickness beneficiary, and will thus lose my high ground from which to mock my brother.
Yesterday, while this was happening (and possibly showing just how rational my brain is), I got a bit worked up about that fact I was getting kicked out of uni. Which, while not entirely untrue, isn't really what is happening.
Anyway, today I'm tired and grumpy. Dozing on the way to sleep last night I had a weird formication thing going on in my forehead, which I was enjoying the novelty of until it turned in it sharp pain. Like something being hammered in above my eye - though clearly on a milder order of magnitude painwise. Had it been something actually being hammered in the pain would have been nasty enough to grant the mercy of letting me pass out from it. Instead, I was just very unhappy and very awake. When I was woken in the night by a particularly unsettling nightmare, (which I'm suspicious is meds linked, as the new one is from a family that can cause weird dreams) in which I was riding an office chair home from South Dunedin and stopped in a cafe (which was where cycle surgery is) as one of my friends was in the window and then some guy started burning off his hands using the element on a stove (it was horrible and very much not how flesh would burn), the pain had gone back to the constant throbbing to which I'm getting quite acquainted. Getting back to sleep that time was slowed by my flatmates playing music at about four in the morning.
Anyway, time I go and be not at the computer.
