I have been snacking too much over the last couple of days. I am so bad at remembering that I am a diabetic and shouldn't buy unhealthy things (as I have no willpower once they are in my house). I did a reasonable amount of walking today, so I am only sort of killing myself with bad life choices...
Yesterday I had a pretty chill day. In the evening I had my only remaining roleplaying game. It is once a fortnight. Back in 2012-2013ish, I had four or five games a week going. Most weeks I spent more evenings at Carla and Ian's house than I spent in my flat. But then they popped a sprog and life caused them to cut back and slowly I got phased out more and more. I would like to say it is because they are spending all those nights entertaining their spawn. But hearing other people talk about gaming with them has made me realise I have just been replaced. It is probably because I making judgy facial expressions about their parenting. For someone who has no experience in the field and knows nothing about looking after children, I am very judgmental about the way people parent.
But I have wandered from my point. Last night I have game, and I think I spoiled it for everyone. One of the guys is not great at using his character to its potential and I end up trying to backseat drive his turn and also said something he took a little out of context to take more personally than expected. It seems he has now, after messaging me in the dawn hours to call out my meanness, pulled out of the game. If this ends the game I will have SO many roleplaying supplies and nothing to do with them.
It might force me to GM for OURS (the otago uni roleplaying society) randoms again. I am not a huge fan of GMing, and am against strangers in general.
I sat down with something I was meaning to blog about, and I am pretty certain it is not something I have mentioned. Ah well, I am rewatching The Lobster, so that is probably melting my brain too much for the whole recollection thing.
Or something...
Excuses. I make lame ones.
Friday, 25 January 2019
Thursday, 24 January 2019
Pleasant surprises
Tonight I was invited, quite unexpectedly, to dinner. The invite came in at about 1900, so it is a good thing that I am hella disorganised or I would have eaten already. I only still in the early stages of making dinner (meaning I have veges cut for tomorrow (well, technically today, as I am writing this at half one in the morning).
So I walked over t the semi-imaginary-one's flat and chatted to the flatmates for a bit. Then we abandoned the flatmates and went to pizza hut for a couple of pizzas (I got myself a Double Hawaiian, which I live because I am a pineapple-on-pizza loving monster).
We chatted over pizza, once again discussing the fact that we need to have the DtR/comparing expectations conversation (as a way of further delaying having it (I am so very anxious that it will reveal things I didn't want to know)). We then curled up on a couch together and watched the trainwreck that is 2017's The Great Wall on Netflix. Followed by my watching about an hour of him playing World of Warcraft. I weirdly enjoy just watching his face as he focuses on stuff. I have got it bad. It is rather embarrassing how bad I have got it.
Then we decided it was time I head home as it was almost midnight and really too late to get up to anything. So we went for the goodnight snog. The fact we didn't have time to get up to anything (and it has been rather too long a time since we have, I think if we were married we'd meet WHO standards for a sexless marriage) meant that instead we made out like awkward teenagers for somewhat over an hour.
That hour could possibly have been better spent..... Though it was a very pleasant end to the night. It is a face I very much like having my face squished up into.
So I walked over t the semi-imaginary-one's flat and chatted to the flatmates for a bit. Then we abandoned the flatmates and went to pizza hut for a couple of pizzas (I got myself a Double Hawaiian, which I live because I am a pineapple-on-pizza loving monster).
We chatted over pizza, once again discussing the fact that we need to have the DtR/comparing expectations conversation (as a way of further delaying having it (I am so very anxious that it will reveal things I didn't want to know)). We then curled up on a couch together and watched the trainwreck that is 2017's The Great Wall on Netflix. Followed by my watching about an hour of him playing World of Warcraft. I weirdly enjoy just watching his face as he focuses on stuff. I have got it bad. It is rather embarrassing how bad I have got it.
Then we decided it was time I head home as it was almost midnight and really too late to get up to anything. So we went for the goodnight snog. The fact we didn't have time to get up to anything (and it has been rather too long a time since we have, I think if we were married we'd meet WHO standards for a sexless marriage) meant that instead we made out like awkward teenagers for somewhat over an hour.
That hour could possibly have been better spent..... Though it was a very pleasant end to the night. It is a face I very much like having my face squished up into.
Monday, 21 January 2019
Titling of posts is for nerds
On Thursday morning I got confirmation that my paperwork had been delivered to the High Commission. One less thing to stress about.
In the afternoon I headed out to socialise with a new-ish friend. I suddenly feel all of that title has to be broken down and analysed. New-ish in that I met him properly about 5 years ago when I got too drunk at a housewarming, though I already knew his face from somewhere so think I may have met him many years earlier in a less actually meeting way. But we only started to interact after a mutual friend had invited us both to lunch on the same day - the last time I went to The Asian. We have never actually been very successful at the keeping in touch, because boys and effort at social interaction., but on the few occasions we have actually managed it we get along pretty well. I think. Definitely at friendly acquaintances, at least. On the way to friends, if not necessarily there yet. But the important part of this ramble is that I left the house and was social. Even managed a hot drink at the Cannabis Museum and Cafe, and only was slightly openly judgmental of the staff (mostly only of the overly keen 'tour guide' and his rabid somewhat-brainwashed-seeming opinions on how magic weed is - also, mostly due to his eye colour and very gracile features, he looked like a weedy ginger girl wearing drag-king brownface). That there was a grow cupboard with plants in it in the store proved that Dunedin's police have stopped caring about marijuana. This does not surprise me.
On Friday I visited my grandmother in the late morning, as part of a scheme to make her eat by having her offer to cook for guests. I wish I was able to ignore hunger enough to just not eat because cooking for one person is annoying effort. Maybe it will come with old age, but that would require my succeeding to live long enough.
While I was there I got an email from the Canadian High Commission. It seemed like things had gone horrible wrong. After a bit of back and forth, it turned out the problem was entirely due to the person processing the form having missed a section (I had typed it in before printing, so it was there and perfectly readable). So that got sorted after a lot of panic on my part that I had somehow screwed everything up.
I did not step out of my flat all weekend.
I watched Netflix. Season 2 of The Punisher, and a bit of the new Grace and Frankie season.
I sulked a bit about nothing in particular (read: the semi-imaginary-one and related bull).
I tried from sugar-free candy made for diabetics.
I reacted badly to the artificial sweetener in said candy and spent about 6 hours on the shitter, being left horrible dehydrated and gross.
And I ordered a FAR too expensive meal off delivereasy because I was feeling too sick to stand long enough to cook and someone had talked up how good the (sort-of but not really a) foodtruck Good Good was at making chicken.
I am too poor for such things, but it was damn good chicken.
Also, a good amount of food helped setting down the intestinal discomfort a little. Ish.
Everything was still pretty gross. Water is not supposed to leave the body seeming that much like water but not having meet up with one's kidneys on the way.
In the afternoon I headed out to socialise with a new-ish friend. I suddenly feel all of that title has to be broken down and analysed. New-ish in that I met him properly about 5 years ago when I got too drunk at a housewarming, though I already knew his face from somewhere so think I may have met him many years earlier in a less actually meeting way. But we only started to interact after a mutual friend had invited us both to lunch on the same day - the last time I went to The Asian. We have never actually been very successful at the keeping in touch, because boys and effort at social interaction., but on the few occasions we have actually managed it we get along pretty well. I think. Definitely at friendly acquaintances, at least. On the way to friends, if not necessarily there yet. But the important part of this ramble is that I left the house and was social. Even managed a hot drink at the Cannabis Museum and Cafe, and only was slightly openly judgmental of the staff (mostly only of the overly keen 'tour guide' and his rabid somewhat-brainwashed-seeming opinions on how magic weed is - also, mostly due to his eye colour and very gracile features, he looked like a weedy ginger girl wearing drag-king brownface). That there was a grow cupboard with plants in it in the store proved that Dunedin's police have stopped caring about marijuana. This does not surprise me.
On Friday I visited my grandmother in the late morning, as part of a scheme to make her eat by having her offer to cook for guests. I wish I was able to ignore hunger enough to just not eat because cooking for one person is annoying effort. Maybe it will come with old age, but that would require my succeeding to live long enough.
While I was there I got an email from the Canadian High Commission. It seemed like things had gone horrible wrong. After a bit of back and forth, it turned out the problem was entirely due to the person processing the form having missed a section (I had typed it in before printing, so it was there and perfectly readable). So that got sorted after a lot of panic on my part that I had somehow screwed everything up.
I did not step out of my flat all weekend.
I watched Netflix. Season 2 of The Punisher, and a bit of the new Grace and Frankie season.
I sulked a bit about nothing in particular (read: the semi-imaginary-one and related bull).
I tried from sugar-free candy made for diabetics.
I reacted badly to the artificial sweetener in said candy and spent about 6 hours on the shitter, being left horrible dehydrated and gross.
And I ordered a FAR too expensive meal off delivereasy because I was feeling too sick to stand long enough to cook and someone had talked up how good the (sort-of but not really a) foodtruck Good Good was at making chicken.
I am too poor for such things, but it was damn good chicken.
Also, a good amount of food helped setting down the intestinal discomfort a little. Ish.
Everything was still pretty gross. Water is not supposed to leave the body seeming that much like water but not having meet up with one's kidneys on the way.
Wednesday, 16 January 2019
Courier packages happened
I got all my Canada stuff sorted today (hopefully) and posted off to the High Commission. It had better work, the time line is too tight for things to go wrong.
And hopefully no more money spent, as there has been so much of it on the various involved bits.
Then I picked frames for glasses at Specsavers. I feel like I am cheating on Mark, the optometrist I have had since my cousin worked for him when I was a kid. But they are so much cheaper and I am poor. Also, I have not seen Mark (or been flirted at by him...) in years.
A surprise lunch invite from Oli lead to getting katsu curry from Jizo for lunch.
And then stalking the semi-imaginary one to his work car park, and inviting myself into his car for a bit of an argument and a bit of a snog. He is too skilled at getting out of awkward things with the power of his distraction.
The day since has just been zoning out and pirated media.
Once Upon a Deadpool was fun enough.
The new Roswell is not good.
Theoretically I can be relaxing from the bureaucracy stress.....
I don't relax well, but at least I have stopped feeling like vomiting all the time. I think it may, already, even be down to under half the time.
And hopefully no more money spent, as there has been so much of it on the various involved bits.
Then I picked frames for glasses at Specsavers. I feel like I am cheating on Mark, the optometrist I have had since my cousin worked for him when I was a kid. But they are so much cheaper and I am poor. Also, I have not seen Mark (or been flirted at by him...) in years.
A surprise lunch invite from Oli lead to getting katsu curry from Jizo for lunch.
And then stalking the semi-imaginary one to his work car park, and inviting myself into his car for a bit of an argument and a bit of a snog. He is too skilled at getting out of awkward things with the power of his distraction.
The day since has just been zoning out and pirated media.
Once Upon a Deadpool was fun enough.
The new Roswell is not good.
Theoretically I can be relaxing from the bureaucracy stress.....
I don't relax well, but at least I have stopped feeling like vomiting all the time. I think it may, already, even be down to under half the time.
Tuesday, 15 January 2019
Sensibleness
I have a time crunch to get travel documents in time to go to Canada.
It is getting pretty awkwardly tight.
So instead of doing the things I need to do, I am hiding in my house still angry about how stress sick I made myself yesterday. I am a sensible adult. Adulting so hard that it will leave you walking funny for a week... or something.
I am probably not doing ok. Good thing I already established that I never need EPS, so I don't even have to worry if I am doing badly enough to involve them.
It is getting pretty awkwardly tight.
So instead of doing the things I need to do, I am hiding in my house still angry about how stress sick I made myself yesterday. I am a sensible adult. Adulting so hard that it will leave you walking funny for a week... or something.
I am probably not doing ok. Good thing I already established that I never need EPS, so I don't even have to worry if I am doing badly enough to involve them.
Monday, 14 January 2019
Because
Self harming with excessive sugar.
Because that is how well I am handling my life.
Trying to sort travel documents made me so stressed that I was physically sick. I am proving much less up to humaning than I thought, and my opinion of my capacity hadn't been so high.
And the weird young guy who lives on the other side of my bedroom wall, who I have spoken to possibly only once in the time he has lived there, has landed himself a little Asian boyfriend and they are being disgustingly happy. It is rubbing in my general bitterness about how shit my relationship is.
Also, I was going through old texts in a failed attempt to find a friends postal address, and I found I was promising to sort stuff with the semi-imaginary one in 2015 that I still haven't actually managed to discuss.
It is shit, and it is my fault for having not addressed stuff more than three years ago that was eating at my sanity then. I am too broken and I let the relationship end up all broken too because I am useless to have fixed it back when I should have. Now it is probably too late.
Off to eat more sugar. Got to help the diabetes to kill me.
If I am dead then I don't have to sort travel documents as I will be too dead to go anywhere.
My NZ passport arrived, things should be easy now. But no. My dual citizenship is seriously kicking me in the arse.
Because that is how well I am handling my life.
Trying to sort travel documents made me so stressed that I was physically sick. I am proving much less up to humaning than I thought, and my opinion of my capacity hadn't been so high.
And the weird young guy who lives on the other side of my bedroom wall, who I have spoken to possibly only once in the time he has lived there, has landed himself a little Asian boyfriend and they are being disgustingly happy. It is rubbing in my general bitterness about how shit my relationship is.
Also, I was going through old texts in a failed attempt to find a friends postal address, and I found I was promising to sort stuff with the semi-imaginary one in 2015 that I still haven't actually managed to discuss.
It is shit, and it is my fault for having not addressed stuff more than three years ago that was eating at my sanity then. I am too broken and I let the relationship end up all broken too because I am useless to have fixed it back when I should have. Now it is probably too late.
Off to eat more sugar. Got to help the diabetes to kill me.
If I am dead then I don't have to sort travel documents as I will be too dead to go anywhere.
My NZ passport arrived, things should be easy now. But no. My dual citizenship is seriously kicking me in the arse.
Saturday, 12 January 2019
Because alcohol never helps, except when it does
Last night I had a long drunken ramble of facebook with someone I rarely ever talk to, an ex who was kind of shit to me back in the day but seems to have grown to be vaguely human in the fifteen or so years since.
Much ranting about all the things wrong with the semi-imaginary one left me drunkenly convinced to try and make it work.
Extra layers on confusion. So helpful.
Also, all up I had less than a pint. Yet so much pooping last night and this morning. Serious beer shits. I am so unimpressed.
Much ranting about all the things wrong with the semi-imaginary one left me drunkenly convinced to try and make it work.
Extra layers on confusion. So helpful.
Also, all up I had less than a pint. Yet so much pooping last night and this morning. Serious beer shits. I am so unimpressed.
Friday, 11 January 2019
Why
I am super drunk.
Because normal human people totally get wobbly and shitfaced off of two half pints of fancy beer. Okay, one of them was a saison and the other was a stout.
Walking home should not have been so hard.
And now I am text ranting at too many people.
I keep refering to the semi-imaginary one as "my soon to be ex".
Every time I explain anything about why things are not currently good between us, it becomes far too clear that things have never been good. At least not in the past four years (the few months before that when we had just met were sort of okay, but only if I am being generous).
Why did I fall for someone who has shown such constant disregard for my existence?
Am I that broken?
Well, obviously I am.
FML
Holding shift at the right time is hard, as is hitting i and not o when I want an i. So much proofing before even I can tell what I was trying to say.
For now, I give up.
Because normal human people totally get wobbly and shitfaced off of two half pints of fancy beer. Okay, one of them was a saison and the other was a stout.
Walking home should not have been so hard.
And now I am text ranting at too many people.
I keep refering to the semi-imaginary one as "my soon to be ex".
Every time I explain anything about why things are not currently good between us, it becomes far too clear that things have never been good. At least not in the past four years (the few months before that when we had just met were sort of okay, but only if I am being generous).
Why did I fall for someone who has shown such constant disregard for my existence?
Am I that broken?
Well, obviously I am.
FML
Holding shift at the right time is hard, as is hitting i and not o when I want an i. So much proofing before even I can tell what I was trying to say.
For now, I give up.
Thursday, 10 January 2019
On mental health
While uploading all my old webdiary into this "shiny" "new" blog format, I was reminded of the shear number of times that I have thought "this is the first time I have seriously needed to call Emergency Psych on myself" and then not called them. And I am still here.
This is good as it reminds me that I never need to call them. I have felt that I was past the point of no safe return so many times and yet here I am. Clearly I have this shit sorted - even if the frequency that I am pretty sure it has fallen apart might suggest otherwise.
So with the recent stumbles I have had, I should be less worried. History assures me that it will sort itself out, even if I am currently not of the opinion that that is necessarily the best outcome...
Watching some TV and seeing an unhealthy/abusive relationship being portrayed, and it reminding me far too much of things with me and my ostensible partner, has not helped. I am too frequently finding myself thinking that 34 year old me threw me down a hole that as a 39 year old I keep thinking may prove inescapable or fatal. I'm not mentally strong enough for the situation I have allowed myself to be stuck in. And I keep excusing behaviour that hurts me, and have been doing it for so long that the default excuse now is that I enabled it by not stopping earlier non-ideal behaviours....
I am too broken to human.
This is good as it reminds me that I never need to call them. I have felt that I was past the point of no safe return so many times and yet here I am. Clearly I have this shit sorted - even if the frequency that I am pretty sure it has fallen apart might suggest otherwise.
So with the recent stumbles I have had, I should be less worried. History assures me that it will sort itself out, even if I am currently not of the opinion that that is necessarily the best outcome...
Watching some TV and seeing an unhealthy/abusive relationship being portrayed, and it reminding me far too much of things with me and my ostensible partner, has not helped. I am too frequently finding myself thinking that 34 year old me threw me down a hole that as a 39 year old I keep thinking may prove inescapable or fatal. I'm not mentally strong enough for the situation I have allowed myself to be stuck in. And I keep excusing behaviour that hurts me, and have been doing it for so long that the default excuse now is that I enabled it by not stopping earlier non-ideal behaviours....
I am too broken to human.
Saturday, 5 January 2019
Dating the hopelessly frustrating
So absolutely nothing has been resolved with the semi-imaginary one.
Trying to argue things out via text with someone who simply ignores all difficult texts is not an activity that gets anywhere.
And I have far too much affection for him, considering I have been treated pretty shoddily for the whole relationship. 50 months in I should have some evidence against the argument that I am just being strung along in case he never finds anyone he actually likes. But....
Sucks to be me, I guess.
Trying to argue things out via text with someone who simply ignores all difficult texts is not an activity that gets anywhere.
And I have far too much affection for him, considering I have been treated pretty shoddily for the whole relationship. 50 months in I should have some evidence against the argument that I am just being strung along in case he never finds anyone he actually likes. But....
Sucks to be me, I guess.
Friday, 4 January 2019
The blogging thing
So, I finally finished uploading the old web diary into blogspot yesterday. In the process adding two pointless new entries, mostly just because I had posted on Facebook too much already yesterday.
It has left me feeling like maybe I should resume blogging a bit, now I have it somewhere much more laziness friendly. And also because my hate for Facebook somehow managed to grow. Not that google is any less evil a source to give all my personal data to.
So last night I planned out in my head, as I was drifting off to sleep, a broad synopsis of things I should write about in way of vague catchup of the last seven or eight years. But this morning I stupidly let suspicions get the better of me and installed a dating app I had seen active on my partner's phone when we were hanging out on Monday.
Never look up a long term partner's dating profile. Seeing that someone you have spent over 4 years committed to is advertising themself as a singleton desperate to find some loving..... it is not pleasant. And, being me, I immediately messaged with aggressive honesty explaining why I had installed the app and my displeasure about what I had found.
I expect the by-far-longest (in life eaten, if not in time spent actually in each other's company) relationship of my life is probably about to end on me. Because of course the first time I have made it past the 7 month mark was to waste over four years on being strung along by someone who, it seems, is still hoping to trade me in for someone better.
Winning at life.
And right when I was starting to believe things were beginning to actually work.
I am an idiot.
And too in my head to write, or even remember the point of, the catch up post I had planned to be uploading now.
It has left me feeling like maybe I should resume blogging a bit, now I have it somewhere much more laziness friendly. And also because my hate for Facebook somehow managed to grow. Not that google is any less evil a source to give all my personal data to.
So last night I planned out in my head, as I was drifting off to sleep, a broad synopsis of things I should write about in way of vague catchup of the last seven or eight years. But this morning I stupidly let suspicions get the better of me and installed a dating app I had seen active on my partner's phone when we were hanging out on Monday.
Never look up a long term partner's dating profile. Seeing that someone you have spent over 4 years committed to is advertising themself as a singleton desperate to find some loving..... it is not pleasant. And, being me, I immediately messaged with aggressive honesty explaining why I had installed the app and my displeasure about what I had found.
I expect the by-far-longest (in life eaten, if not in time spent actually in each other's company) relationship of my life is probably about to end on me. Because of course the first time I have made it past the 7 month mark was to waste over four years on being strung along by someone who, it seems, is still hoping to trade me in for someone better.
Winning at life.
And right when I was starting to believe things were beginning to actually work.
I am an idiot.
And too in my head to write, or even remember the point of, the catch up post I had planned to be uploading now.
Thursday, 3 January 2019
Secret Identity Fail
In trying to sort proving that I am me, so I can finally get a NZ passport, I took all my old expired IDs in and a bunch were scanned to the Ministry of Internal Affairs server.
In the process, that got all my Canadian paperwork.
I think this is the first time I have ever let the NZ government know that I am also a foreign citizen.
I can now never use my secret other citizenship for bureaucratic high jinks.
In the process, that got all my Canadian paperwork.
I think this is the first time I have ever let the NZ government know that I am also a foreign citizen.
I can now never use my secret other citizenship for bureaucratic high jinks.
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