The black acidic runny poop is a sure giveaway that I ate at a restaurant last night

Has been a week.

On Tuesday I had my final ever appointment with my psychodynamic psychotherapist.  I made it awkward by admitting I had some complex platonic feelings about him (fortunately I don't think he will ever read through this, and definitely not enough to find the period when I was less convinced they were platonic).

Also means my last time walking the three-mile-hill to my flat.

Thursday had a nice dinner out with David, Simon and Joe.  After which Simon made us watch Paddington as neither me nor David had seen it and had nixed his suggestion of Paddington 2 because of that.  And then an episode of This is Going to Hurt for a fleshier (if rake thin) version of Paddington's voice.

Also on Thursday, the Russian I had been chatting to for months finally confirmed my suspicion that he was a romance scammer by L-bombing and then claiming to need a borrow money for a week.  I had been hoping I was wrong and that he might have just been looking to fake interest in me in order to get partner entry into NZ.  But no, regular money scam.  Not sure why he didn't give up the first time I should signs of being a suspicious person - much time wasted chatting to me when I was not giving the wanted responses to early questions.

Friday I wrapped my presents for people.  Which aggravated my shoulder and led to much discomfort.  Also had for got to buy wrapping paper this year so several things were wrapped in pages ripped from the instructions to a Lego castle (a set I have four of so could destroy one instruction set without worry).

Saturday, family Christmas being done of Christmas eve.
My mother's house smells of dogs that aren't quite house-trained.
My mother is my mother.
Dinner was generic unfestive hotel restaurant.
I had roast of the day (which still somehow managed to disagree with me, actually was probably the chocolate brownie dessert that made my guts unhappy).

 

[edit, evening]
Today, did Christmas lunch with Midget's family.
Played Mario Kart with her daughter, discovering she had never played it two player before and being somewhat disappointed those parents had not worked the trick out.
Then home to sleep until a slightly late dinner of leftovers sandwiches.  And still being too tired to actually do anything.

Finished the Harry and Megan series just on midnight.

I stand by feeling they are probably more victim than villain in it all.

I don't especially like either of them, but I think they believe what they are saying.

Memory isn't a thing I do anymore

I think it was on the morning of my doctor's appointment at the start of the month, I finally fixed the RGB lights in my tower case.  They had been stuck an off-putting orange since my Windows went to 11 many months ago.  And I forgot to gloat about my achievement at the time.
All I had to do was follow the instructions on a site that was clearly trying to scam me into downloading spyware, while avoiding all their links.  This after many attempts over the months of following instructions on more respectable sites to no avail.

But I got it done.

Yay.

 

Otherwise, life has been lifing.

I haven't gone outside since my last entry, but I have given cake to those of my neighbours who I don't actively dislike (I should have extended that to the other tower of my complex but that would have required going outside) , and had Oli visit.

I am old and sore.

The shoulder continues to eat Deep Heat and Tiger Balm.

Muscle cramps have been fucking up my sleep.  Sometimes with the fun combination of the thigh cramp that requires a bent knee to ease the pain with a calf cramp the needs the knee kept straight.  So I am run down to the point where waking up in pain isn't disappointing because of the pain but disappointing because of the waking up at all.

I have watched some shows.  The Recruit was fun.  Irreverent I gave up on quickly as it was just a less charming rehash of Impastor.   TVNZ+ lied to me by classifying Dead Pixels as sci-fi/fantasy, it is a sitcom about people who like fantasy.
But significantly I napped.

I have failed to game, because my body hurts and even playing computer games feels far too much like effort.

Also watching the Harry and Megan Netflix thing.  I had been told it confirms their awfulness - though so far that is not the read I am getting from it.
Confirmation biases may be involved.   I may be more inclined to assume better of people but worse of institutions than the occasionally monarchist friend who is most anti-Harry&Megan.
I may also be more willing to assume people are basically racist dickbags.  I mean I am pretty sure that I have an inner racist dickbag.  I try to ignore, give it no power, but it is there and never fully escapable.

Meds life

My tolerance for smells is diminishing.  I find myself becoming fairly exhausted just by being around strong smells.
As I am noticing this is a thing I am remembering it used to be a thing.
I think I have found a thing other than pain management that my meds definitely help with......

Stupid weaning off.  But it needs done, I am on the neurology waiting list and would like to get something useful out of it.

In semi-unrelated, spent much of the day with my family.  Was utterly exhausting.

My sister dropped the giant cake my dad bought me from The Cheesecake Factory in the gutter - but the box held up and the cake inside seemed barely bothered.

After takeaways dinner my sister watched stuff on my plex while frustrating me by picking at the new Jigglypuff soft toy that Simon and Joe got me on their latest overseas jaunt.

Random complaining

I got stickiness from the lollies I am eating (from a bucket I own due to the mistake of making my weekly supermarket order at 3am) on my new mouse.

I bought he new mouse the day before Black Friday sales started after having dropped my old one and it losing also all sensitivity.

The new one runs from the same software but is much prettier (most of the mouse being RGB instead of just the logo on the back like my old Kone Pure Ultra.  So upgraded and hopefully I will not break this one, at least not any time soon.
Fortunately neither of the local online stores I use included ROCCAT in their Black Friday sales, so I didn't have to feel like an idiot about my timing of the purchase.

Going back through this I realise that my shoulder has been sore longer than I realised and seems to go back to when I tripped on the stairs and caught myself funny in early November.  I will have to try to remember that to tell my GP, it might help get physio if I can ACC claim it.

But I really don't want to make ACC claims when I am already being encouraged into a big one.

Also, even since it was too late at night for Spotlight to be open all my YouTube ads have suddenly started being ads for a sale the ends today.  Stupid Spotlight timed its ads unhelpfully.

Why am I so me? It is an awful thing to be.

Today (well, it is after midnight so really yesterday) I had a psychotherapy appointment where I caved on his nudging to go the ACC route for continued care.
I am still not comfortable with it and I didn't tell him I was agreeing so as to not disappoint him.  It is not a reasoning he would have agreed with.
I also realised very quickly in telling him about my date disaster of a few weeks ago that he would interpret it as something fairly rape-y.  So I played down how far it went and played down how unhappy to be there I was.  And was left feeling dirty not only for having gone through the events again but also for having sanitised them.  It avoided direct lies but was also uncomfortably untruthful.
Why does dishonesty bother me so much?
I am far more forgiving of being lied to than I am of when I distort the truth.  Why does it only seem awful when it is me doing it?

The day before I had had a surprisingly productive GP appointment.  I was a bit worried she would think I was being overcautious in how slowly I am weaning off my meds, but her advice was slower was better especially as it is hitting me fairly hard.  She even suggested stopping decreases of the dose if it gets worse.  She did also assume I was doing it for the weight lose, as health professionals keep doing at me.  Fat people can have health goals separate from weight.  But the referral for neurology, the actual reason I am putting myself through extra pain, is now in the works so that is a goal of sorts.

Oh, and I have damaged my supraspinatus.  Have to see if it comes right on its own, and then maybe get private physiotherapy.  I have been warned my chances are slim for public system care in anything resembling a timely fashion.  Rotator cuffs are a thing and mine now has problems.  Things I learned.

 

Otherwise, migraine naps have fucked up my sleep cycles.
I have clumsiness and lethargy.
I am fairly miserable and can't explain why.

So basically, go me.