Pharmacy is nearing it's end (well, when I quit), exams are soon, and my life bites.
1st October 2003 - SS. Remigius, German, Vedast, and Bavo, Bpp. Middle lessons of S. Melorus.
I'm sulking. My former bit is still not talking to me, and I feel terrible about it. I really have to learn not to say things in anger. I'll end up with no friends at. But then I probably have it coming.
I had classes this morning. In my last class, which was on sea monkeys, Dot sms'd me and invited me to lunch, which killed time until I meet up with Tina. Tina was passing through on the way to Heriot.
Then I came home and spent about 5 hours playing the Sims. And went online, but didn't feel like talking to anyone but Simon, and he's busy so I decided I'd not rant at him.
I should go. Later.
Either my flat is falling off the hill, or there was just a third earthquake of the day. I suspect it's my flat.
Badger, Mushroom song
2nd October 2003
- Thomas of Hereford, Bp. and Conf. Middle lessons of S. Leger.
Well, today sucked. I had classes all morning, which was ok. Though between classes I passed my former bit, who wouldn't even meet me eyes. Then lunch with Alana, which was ok. It was here that the day really started going down hill. I got to dent school and my dent student was like "Ummm, I need to go get help." this would have been ok, except the specialist came and looked and made a face and then said he'd think about it and come back. So my dent student gave me an unrelated filling (replacing an old one that hadn't held up too well) and then he returned with the warm fuzzy news that I'd be getting electrosurgery. Which so far as I could tell from what I could see being done, is that they get a baby arc-welder and burn off a chunk of gum that had grown out of my gum surgery into somewhere it aughtn't have been and filled my mouth with the smell of charred flesh. So I had burnt meat breath for several hours afterward. Yay for me. Fortunately I bumped into Alana, who took me back to her place and fed me. She even had her mother make reasonably squishy chinese food. And I lay on her floor playing PS2 for a while. Then I came home, came online and I'm pretty sure my attempt at a friendship with my former bit is now over forever. Normally I wouldn't use log files against people, but if I'm to be impartial about how it happened, it's only fair I include the exact wordage of the entire conversation.
Session Start (MSN): Thu Oct 02 19:51:43 2003
[19:51] Matthew: evening
[19:51] *** FormerBit has joined the conversation.
[19:53] FormerBit: I'm only willing to talk to you if you stop being negative, trying to make people sorry for you, seeking sympathy, or putting yourself down. Your choice.
[19:55] Matthew: I don't want people to be sorry for me, and I'm not seeking sympathy
though I'll do my best at not putting myself down in any way around you
[19:56] FormerBit: oh come on, you so do. A line like sorry to have bothered you is asking for pity
[19:57] Matthew: actually, that was going to be a childish insult, but I decided against it and just said that instead
[20:03] *** FormerBit has joined the conversation.
[20:04] Matthew: if me being me isn't something you can handle, then goodbye as much as I seem to like you, I'm not changing who I am just to be friends with you
[20:04] Matthew: I hope you have a good life
[20:05] FormerBit: fine. good luck too. I wish it could be different, and I hope one day you develop enough self-esteem to actually form meaningful friendships and relationships with people without driving them away. Your biggest enemy is yourself, watch out for yourself. Good luck matthew.
Session Close (FormerBit): Thu Oct 02 20:06:31 2003
So, yes. I'm not faultless by any means, but I'm pretty sure I'm the less irrational one in that conversation. And I'm now feeling quite angry. And it's not helped by the fact I'm in large amounts of post-dental surgery discomfort (something I would have used in above conversation, except that it even seemed childish to me). And over the last few days I have either come down with something or developed an anxiety disorder (I keep shaking but feeling like I'm still and it's just everything around me that shaking, and it's becoming quite a constant sensation - not pleasant at all. In fact, it's bugging me more than the dental pain, if it keeps up I may have to go to a doctor).
I really want to say something back to that last bit, but everything I think up is either insulting or just sounds like I'm a sad little man trying to show off my meager good points. And it's probably getting too late now. If I just had the spine to actually mean horribly mean and insulting I could have replied with all I wanted to say at the time. But I know me, if I did I'd feel guilty afterward, and I don't need to be going out of my way to make myself feel any worse than I already do. Somedays I really wish I had more of a talent for actual malicious meanness - I can only be mean in jest, and usually only about people I like and have no real reason to be mean about.
I think I might head off to bed. I'm feeling more than a little hurt and angry. I'm also being a little offended that someone who I've let myself like so entirely doesn't get me. And a little annoyed at myself for having liked someone who seems to be proving even nuttier than I am. Made worse by the fact that my brain is screwed, and if I let myself actually like someone, then a part of me will always like them no matter how much later circumstance and rational thought may point out the stupidity of this (a fact proven by my ex whom I've entirely not ever gotten over (though seem to have stopped talking about anywhere near as much recently), my one high school crush that actually counted (who still gets me all happy just by chatting over the net - as sad as that it) and even by my more recent ex (of about three years ago now - who I liked quite superficially even when things were at their best, but yet still can't bring myself to actually entirely dislike, as much as I am given reason to)).
And this whole shaking feeling is pissing me off, atleast today I realise it's just me - where as yesterday I actually thought there was mild earthquakeage going on that wasn't. My flatmate suggested that it might be food poisoning, possibly the dodgy nut. I have no idea what it is, but if it keeps up I will have to go to student health. It'll probably just turn out I have another flu, or some other fun thing to make my exam period even more enjoyable. Or maybe I have just finally gone completely bonkers, it's not like I wasn't half way there anyway.
Atleast today has taught me one important lesson for the future. If things seem to good to be true, run away fast.
6th October 2003 - Faith, V. and Mart.
Okay, I haven't written in ages. I have been playing a lot of The Sims and avoiding being online a bit, as I'm too much of a goober to delete my former bit off my msn list, and as I've been informed we are no longer talking there is a great urge to talk just sitting there.
Friday someone stood on my jacket in a lecture with mucky shoes, and I didn't notice until I'd put it on - which meant I had to run home and clean up middle of the day. it sucked muchly. Then in the afternoon I had hot chocolate with Nina at the museum cafe - it was good, and made me realise (now that I was talking it over with someone) just how stupid my former bit's comments about my having no meaningful friendships were. Go Nina, she rocks. And she keeps getting even prettier.
Saturday I spent reading, 'puter gaming and sulking.
On Sunday evening, after spending the day hiding from the snow in my room, and reading the appendices of LoTR, having finished the book the night before - well, at about 3ish on Sunday morning - well, it would have been 2ish, but it was a little past, so "go daylight savings" and having had sunday dinner of chinese takeaways, Tina came to town.
Today I took Tina to my lectures, then had my last focus group while Tina lunched with Nina. After which I wagged my compulsary workshop and went to Pirates of the Caribbean with Tina. It's a lot better than I had expected, and damn funny.
I should go sleep. I'm supposed to be researching for a presentation I'm supposed to give tomorrow, but I can't find anything, so I think I might just flag it.
I seem to have suddenly become an actually bad student. I just don't want to be there, so any excuse not to seems enough.
7th October 2003 - SS. Marcus and Marcellianus.
Well, I went to my first lecture this morning, and took Tina. I then wagged a compulsary workshop - where I was supposed to be giving a presentation for terms - to go to the Chinese Dinosaurs with Tina. It was pretty cool, though after about 1 3/4 hours, Tina was sick of it and wanted to leave. I may have to go again - I might see if I can drag Si along. Then me and Tina had lunch with one of her other friends. Then I left them to it and went to my dispensing exam. I was doing okay, but they gave us an oil to mix into a cream - which was something we hadn't done before and I may have done it wrong. So I may fail on that, if I don't fail on terms from missing compulsary classes for Tina. But Tina is more important to me than pharmacy.
Anyway, I should go sleep, especially as my former bit just came online and I need to get offline. I'm dealing some much worse with the friendship blowing up than I was about the relationship not happening.
Night.
BTW: Twincest is wrong. While the US and Isreal are making acts of agression and getting away with it, they should take out those nasty twincest fanfic writers.
8th October 2003.
Argh, by the time I finish this sentence it will be the 9th, oh well, I haven't gone to bed yet, so it's still the 8th to me.
I had classes this morning, which were mostly pretty revisiony, but still not too disinteresting as pharmacy goes (ie. they only sucked lots). Then lunch with Dot of Satay, followed by ice cream while sitting on the union lawn and watching the eye candy. Then my PHCY255 lab, I lasted 50ish minutes before walking out, it was just too sunny and nice outside to be in a lab, and I'm getting used to wagging. Walking out of class I bumped into my ex, who I then walked home and invited myself in for a visit. It was actually really nice, we haven't seen much of each other this semester. I grumbled about my former bit for a little, and my ex talked about the new boyfriend, and I didn't get bitter. In fact, I feel no bitterness about it at all. I seem to have stopped being bitter about other people touching my ex. It either means I have finally gotten over it, or that I'm only capable of being bitter toward one target at a time.
Anyway, then I had dinner with Alana and we went to the Mothras together. Which were fun, though I admitted to one of my friends afterward that I thought his flatmate, who was in his movie, was quite hot. I expect I'll be mocked.
Anyway, I have go to make my bed and sleep - I got up at 6am and washed all my linen and hung it out before class, now it's dry and waiting to go back on to my bed.
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9th October 2003 - Denys and his Compp.
Too tired to write. Just saying that I passed my prac exam and have now finished all my pharmacy labs forever - I SO don't plan to go back.
13th October 2003 - Trans. of S. Edward, K.
Okay, I suck at keeping this upto date recently.
Thursday I had classes all day, with my lunch break spent at a Satay house with Katie. The lab in the afternoon was my last pharmacy lab unless I ever stupidly go back to pharmacy - but if I do, I give you permission to kill me for being a dumbarse. In the evening I went to a cafe in town with midget and Katie, it was mostly nice.
Friday, I had classes till a bit after 1, including a stupid test on crap I'm sure we were never taught. Then I had lunch with my father - always an enlightning experience - he is such a dirty old man. The evening I spent at home nursing wounds I got thanks to one of the neighbours having done some pruning and leaving a branch on the steps and my having discovered this while carrying groceries and then rolling down the stairs, crushing my groceries in the process. Grrrrr.
Saturday I spent playing The Sims until about 2pm, when I headed to a friends BBQ. I was pretty good, celebrating an almost complete dissertation. Then I came home and stupidly decided to go out to town, as one of my friends was preforming in something. My Former Bit was there, and decided to pretend that I didn't exist. I didn't handle this particularily well. I also realized I have very few friends in the crowd, and feel absolutely no need to make any more.
Sunday I spent sulking. I had really thought that my Former Bit would have atleast been civil. I guess I don't deal with plain old meanness very well at all. Ok, I'm not handling things great. I think the lesson is that I should never get involved with anyone ever again.
Today I had two lectures, then came home for a long lunch. But when I was getting ready to head back in it started to rain quite nasty and heavily. Fortunately just at the corner of my street a stranger pulled up and offered me a ride into varsity. Go random acts of kindness - the world would be a better place if more people were like that. In my incredible rudeness I sat scratching his terrier's ears and pretty much ignored the guy, his dog was just so cute. I really have to learn some manners.
Actually, Midget seemed to think my accepting rides from strangers was wrong. But I'm pretty sure no psychopath would have such a cute little dog, or nice car.
Well, I should go sleep, it's late and I'm already grumpy and tired enough.
17th October 2003 - Etheldreda, V., not Mart.
Tuesday I had a class in the morning, bought some shorts and then wasted the day away. I think it was tuesday that uninstalled the sims - which was crashing a bit too much and I decided I needed a clean install. Turns out one of my sims discs has died, so I'm now sims-less. In the evening I had dinner and played much Kingdom Hearts at Alana's.
Wednesday I had a class, and then lunch with Dot, and then stuffed around a bunch.
Yesterday I had a lab, and used the journals in the med library for the first time all year. I should have taken to using them earlier - the med library has a fair bit of eye candy. I also passed my Former Bit on campus, twice. So the afternoon ended up being mental health time. I really have to stop caring, it's fucking me up. Then last night, at about 10:30 I finally started writing my biggest essay of the year - only about 14 hours before it was due.
This morning I got up, finished my essay, and went to a day of classes. In a break between classes while talking to Midget and Tash I passed my Former Bit again, today I actually handled it ok. This arvo I blobbed.
I'm also in a weird mood as I've heard only two words out of my ex since the weekend. And for one of my best friends, and usually the only one I actually talk to, this is adding to my usual wacky. Not the best combination went added to my current Former Bit issues. It's led to a lot of this week being wasted by my sulking.
18th October 2003 - Luke, Evan.
Last night I went to Eureka with Midget and Rachel, it was kind of fun, though Tash never turned up, so we didn't end up going dancing. That girl is one famous piker. We tried to fetch Katie from the OUSA xmas dinner, but she was drunk and didn't want to leave. Actually, she had invited me to it and then cancelled at the last minute for reasons which were outside her control - which I was still just a little grumpy about. just as I was going to bed last night Tina arrived down from CHCH, so I had a long rant to her about my former bit.
Which gets me to today, which I'll have to write later, as I'm going to be late to Dot's.
19th October 2003 - Fredeswide, V., not Mart.
I was going to write today, but I left it too late, as I've been talking to my FormerBit all night and forgot. It'll have to wait.
21st October 2003 - Eleven thousand holy Virgins.
Okay, I suck at writing in this thing.
On Saturday I had Nina's birthday at 11:30am, a nice quiet classy brunch deal. I'm going to miss Nina when she leaves dunners. After Nina's thing me and Tina (who had also been there) and her little brother (who met us afterward) stuffed around in town for the majority of the day. A chunk of it we spent shopping for Dot's birthday with Midget. In the evening, after I'd left Tina and her bro to go to the Rugby, I wrote the above and then headed in to Dot's party. It was a lot of fun, though I really ought to have drunk more - being the bar was subsidised. I did hit on Dot an awful lot though. At the end of the night I made sure my god-sister got home safely. And made it to bed after 3:30am. Which would be fine except I was suddenly very awake at 8am.
Sunday me and Tina watched a couple of movies and then went to town so she could do a bit of shopping. Then dinner at Alana's before I put Tina on her bus and came home to collapse in fron tof my puter. At that point my FormerBit messaged me and offered to give being friends another go - which is so far working really well.
Monday morning I spent playing SimCity 3000 Unlimited, until I headed to Midget's voice exam. She was pretty good. After if we went to the beach and I got just a little burnt while checking out the beach dwellers. Mmmm hot sun bathers.
Today I had a tutorial at 9am, then I shopped, and stuffed about around varsity for a while and entirely failed to do any of the things I was semi doing, like applying for jobs and for a masters thesis scholarship. I had lunch with Dot and generally spent the day enjoying the warmth, until it got too much and I hid from it for a while.
25th October 2003 - SS, Crispin and Crispinian. Middle lessons of S. John of Beverley, Bp. and Conf.
Wednesday also started with a chem tutorial, followed by my doing absolutely nothing noteworthy for the rest of the day. Though I did go and borrow a lab book off one of my classmates and then just not get around to copy it at I spent the night making dodgy comments to my former bit (for reasons which were entire acceptable at the time), this after I'd had dinner with my family.
Thursday I went to the doctors, 118/60, go me of the healthy blood pressure. So long as I keep taking my pills, it looks like I shouldn't explode my vascular system and die horribly. It means when I die horribly it'll be for some other reason. After my doctor's visit, I had lunch with my father - as it was his birthday - and then went to the med library and actually copied the lab book out. If I'd just done the damn examinable labs, it'd have saved a bunch of effort. I don't remember, but I think I spent the evening procrastinating and watching bad TV.
Friday I went to the English Department morning tea, as I was supposed to meet Elizabeth there - but she didn't show, so I just talked to Luke and Dr Finney instead. And had a short conversation about possible Masters topics with Greg - not the supervisor I wanted, but Ian can't take me :(. Then I stuffed around for the rest of the day, doing such random and non-study related thing such as send "An absolution for the not eating of cake" off to Vic again in the hopes I'll land myself a place in their masters script writing course.
Today I have once again failed to study much at all. My flatmate went to Wellington yesterday, and combined with the fact it's been study week - I'm feeling more than a little starved for human interaction. i'm also being a childish git about the fact that Simon is busy, and keeping messaging him - even though he's entirely not responding. Somedays I feel a bit sorry for him - I'd hate to be my best friend, I'm so whiney and whingey.
I might go get fish and chips for dinner, and then properly start to study. I am so screwed, I have six exams over the next week and a half, and currently my head is lacking any useful knowledge. Watch while I fail horribly, or get so randomly stressed at the prospect of failing a course I've already quit the I go insane and kill myself.
I am such a freaking headcase.
And I'm somewhat wanting my Former Bit back, which really isn't an option. I could possibly get some meaningless - but this is me, I don't really do meaningless and if I did I'd probably try and make it deep and meaningful and things would blow up horribly. And making it worse is my suspicion that I only want my Former Bit back as this is the first time I've met someone who I think might be able to get me over my ex.
26th October 2003.
Last night I had fish and chips for tea, watched Small Soldiers and said something to my former bit that I realised afterward had been interpreted to mean I'm a lot more emotionally attached than I actually am. Then as night rolled on I escaped a re-run of the freak head thing I did to myself in the weekend before my exams last semester by meeting Elizabeth and some of her friends at the Outback for an evening of catching up, drinking and bad dancing to worse music. I also hit on and virtually drooled all over one of her friends, who was very drunk and didn't seem to notice. And one of her other friends, Lauren, was trying to set me up with someone - though my predictable response to this put her off the idea.
This morning I got up and procrastinated a while, then studied a bit before falling asleep in my notes, then studied some more, then chatted to Tash for a while, then studied a bit more, then watched Gilmore Girls, then made tea and studied some more before being distracted by Miss Congeniality. I'm upto April 1st in my notes, and the exam is on Tuesday. Tomorrow is going to suck - lets see just how much I can cram in one day. Come Tuesday, I'm failing horribly.
28th October 2003 - Simon and Jude, App.
Yesterday all I did was study pretty much all day, except for a quick break to go to the supermarket and buy some food, and a couple of hours to destress in the evening.
This morning I got up and crammed until 12, at which pointed I'd gone through all of my notes. It was 2 1/2 hours until my exam, so I had some brain relaxation time, played some neopets, went to varsity for lunch and then off to the exam. It didn't go as well as I thought it would. Bugger it all. Oh well, I only needed 22/64 to pass, and I'm pretty sure I managed better than that. I hope. Gawd, how will I feel if I didn't. Sucks to be me.
Anyway, I'm having a night off - the whole post exam icky brain thing is going on, so study wouldn't be hugely productive. And TV good. I've got hooked on America's Next Top Model. Elyse Sewell kicks arse. I want her to bear my tiny thin androgenous babies.
And my former bit is mocking me about my ex issues.
I'm also being hyper-aware of the fact the the MA I intend to do next year will never get me any kind of job, and I'm porbably going to have to go back to pharmacy if I ever want to actually find a job. And then spent the rest of my life being miserable.
I know I have my whole MFAT dream, but I am way not smart enough for the Ministry to hire me. They turn down first class hons students, and I'm quite clearly second class. Stupid stupidity.
If only I was smarter - or actually studied.
I ought go do something.
29th October 2003.
I've spent pretty much all day studying micro. It's not going great. It turns out there is a whole bunch of notes and I remember less than I expected to. I also went to the supermarket and spent far too much money on sugar foods which I'll not actually eat much of as I quickly gave myself a sugar headache. Stupid not smart shopping. For dinner I had nice sensible honey, soy and garlic stirfried silverside with veges on rice. It was very good. And it's now almost 10 at night, and I'm 27/48ths of the way through my notes. I'm screwed. Actually, I'm not, it's microbiology, I think I can wing my way through it. Hopefully.
I've also spent the day being grumpy that I blew my chance to have Ian as my masters supervisor by doing pharmacy - if I could just go back in time a year.
Bugger it.
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