October 2006
Universe hates me - so I'm getting it back.
8th October 2006.
I am so behind on this beast.
Sunday two weeks ago, which I think might be the day after I last have proper mention in this thing, I caught up with the GreenIslandite for an exchange of stuff. Basically we swapped stuff back in town and then got Burger King and ate it at the beach. It was nice, though I didn't get my toothbrush back. I like that toothbrush. Then it was off to the office to be an office drone for the day.
The following week is a bit of a blur, time in the office, Michiel trying to make me watch comedy tv instead of doing work, growing thesis hatred. Basically a week. On Wednesday I had dinner with Shiny as a farewell, now please leave my city thing. On Thursday I had medieval reading group looking at "The Dream of the Rood". It was pretty good. That weekend I played Civ IV instead of swimming (or doing anything much). Actually, Civ IV (a surprise gift at the exchange of stuff) is the major player in that week being a bit of a blur. Civ is the enemy of sleep. Saturday night I went out with Oli and got a bit drunker than intended. Was being a disturbingly handsy drunk, like I was Italian or something. Went to the Crown, Craic and Backstage later in the night. I remember it being mostly fun though Backstage made me crave sleep and being away from all the losers there. Sunday I caught up with Midget and then went to my grandparents. I also got the expansion for Civ IV off my brother.
This week, stressful. I had a presentation on Friday so the whole week was working up to it. There were some problems. Tuesday I had an attack of ennui to the point that even playing computer games seemed too darn hard work. I basically did nothing the whole day. The whole week was a little less productive than I'd have liked. High point would have been my neopet being transformed, after seven years as a yellow jubjub, it is now shiny and different. I'll post a pic at the bottom of the entry. Thursday, after staying late to work on my presentation I headed straight from the office to a Medieval Reading Group showing of the movie Beowulf and Grendel. It isn't a terrible film, but tries to hard to make all the characters sympathetic - most humorously the monsters. Basically it shoots itself in the foot.
Friday morning I headed in and worked on the presentation. And kept working on it. Only had a short lunch so I could keep working on it and finished it just before the seminar session started. It was pretty good. Problem was, by the time it was my turn to speak I had psyched myself out and couldn't follow my script. Everytime I adlibbed, I ended up self deprecation and digging a hole deeper and deeper under myself. Such freaking skills I have. Afterwards all I could do was drink. Thus the department sponsored drinks afterwards featured quite the drunken Matthew. Then home to watch TV and drunkenly accost people over the interweb.
Yesterday, I went swimming early with Meg and then had a huge bacon breakfast at the farmer's market. A great way to cancel out all the good I had done exercising. Thena quiet day in until Debbie and Lindsay's engagement party in the evening. I realised I hadn't seen either of them in a very long time. I think it has been a couple of years since I last socialised with them.
I should go to the office today and be constructive. Tempted to just play the sims.
I'm not looking forward to seeing Lizzie tomorrow. She is very likely to tell me off about the adlibbing of doom.
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I went to the office for a while, but got a headache and found it was just being mostly unproductive so I only worked for a few hours before heading home. Was about to make dinner, but midget has informed me I'm having dinner with her in town. It had better be very cheap and I'm skint as. And I'm having quite a nice chat with Si about how I should be nicer to myself. I'm unconvinced by the message. Problem is, overall it is making me a little more paranoid. Mainly as I'm reading too much in to it. Which is pretty much my problem. And I'm feeling bad for being such an arse friend. It's little wonder I've lost touch with so damn many of the friends I have had (well, lost touch with or just stopped being talked to).
And there is no way I'm too hard on myself. If anything, I'm too soft on myself. Were I harder on myself, then I'd actually have achieved something in my life.
Already had two responses to "Were I harder on myself, then I'd actually have achieved something in my life" of something approximating "you mean you'd actually have gotten around to killing yourself". This is a little disturbing. I didn't think I had that much of a crazy suicidal vibe.
Wow, all this time not writing in this beast and then, I think, three entries today.
9th October 2006 - Denys and his Compp.
Best brain poking ever. It seems I'm too emotionally retarded to benefit from psychotherapy and I'm being hinted at to stop coming and free up the slot for someone who might actually benefit from it. So I've discovered a whole new way in which I suck. Go me...
Not much else to say for the day. Tried to get some writing done on my thesis, but it wasn't getting anywhere as I spent the afternoon with a headache. Thesis -> stress -> high blood pressure -> headaches. It's not great but it seems to be how things are working just now. I think I need to change my writing approach for a while, find some less stressful way of doing it.
I still feel a bit arse and it is almost bedtime. I've been playing Sims and ranting about crap at Simon. I'm amazed he doesn't ignore list me more often.
I should go and sleep sensible hours and all.
11th October 2006 - Nicasius and his Compp., Martt.
I have now gone and looked at a couple of rooms in flats. Being I'm sort of supposed to have moved about now. One was a complete dive. The other was pretty nice and affordable, but had a stupidly timed lease that would lead to me having to move three times in the next few months rather than twice. Moving twice is going to suck more than enough.
I hate moving.
Yesterday was semi-productive work wise. Had a meeting with my supervisor where I discovered he is skipping the country again next week. I'm pretty sure this will be his second extended period away this year, and his fourth or fifth while I've been studying. So I'm on email supervision for the rest of the year.
The day also featured a long chat with Lizzie, who was nagging me into not making myself sick or sabotaging my thesis. It made me realise I've actually managed to make friends during my thesis study. So it isn't entirely wasted. I'd been getting paranoid that I'd got too old to make new friends - which would be bad considering how crap I am at keeping up with old ones.
Didn't achieve much in the office today. I got a bit done in the morning, but after lunch I went to a concert Midget had on. She ended up consuming my entire afternoon. By the time I got back to the office it was basically time to knock off and go home. On the way home I bumped into Mark (a guy I went to school and was in the dreaded Gang Show with). Had a nice catch up chat with him for over half an hour. Realised we pretty much have no people in common any more. Did get some good gossip about people I've not seen in ages though.
After dinner I head out to soccer. There were a bunch of new people there. A couple of them were alright, but there was a group of south americans - and old control freak and his two lackies. After having noticed I've started throwing around the "hate" word when I don't mean it recently (something I'm choosing to blame on Shiny), this evening I think I may have been actually feeling hate. The old guy kept giving me orders, and was making me feel more and more homicidal every time he spoke to me. Such wishing of horrible death I have not done in a long while. I was considering walking home, as that would have been more fun than playing. Once I started plain ignoring the guy it went smoother. We were playing kick around, not the FIFA championship. Ended up mostly okay.
12th October 2006.
I've become the kind of cranky old person who rings noise control at 2:30 in the morning. Mainly as I realised I was lying awake getting angrier and angrier at the loud bad music one of my neighbours was pumping out and I could feel my blood pressure getting pretty damn high. I suspect, had it been measured, that it would have been near (if not over) the 200 mark - which is bad considering all the meds I'm on to keep it down. Normally me being angry at something is good - anger at things that aren't me is a skill I'm working on. Self directed anger being too darn easy.
17th October 2006 - Etheldreda, V., not Mart.
In the Suram it is tawdry St. Audrey's. Greatest of feast days. Now only England celebrates her, and in June (23rd).
Now days it is St. Margaret Mary Alacoque and St. Ignatius of Antioch - much less interesting.
Friday morning, in the shower, I noticed a bit more hair washing out than usual, but didn't think too much of it. I got to the office and took of my hat and it was like I was on chemo - big handfuls of hair coming out. Very disgusting. If I was brainier and more eloquent I'd say it was a Hank McCoy thing and I was just shedding my winter coat. Unfortunately, I'm not. Seems I'm reacting badly to stress. So I spent the day at varsity being paranoid I was going bald. The girls in my office ordered me to take the weekend off.
Friday night I went out to town with Oli for the farewell of one of his workmates, who was also one of my childhood friends. It was a good night. Much beer drunk, pizza eaten and then going clubbing with Camilla and co for a while before going home and to sleep.
Saturday morning I lay in bed watching Weeds on DVD. I can't decide if I like the show or not - but I do like the theme song, which I hadn't heard since I was a little kid and had forgotten existed. In the afternoon I wandered up to the field above Moana Pool for a game of soccer. It was against an actual team, though we lost by less than I'd have expected. I think they got two goals for every one of ours - which, all things considering, is nothing for us to complain about. The game went for almost three hours - each team losing someone to A&E along the way. It was great. Afterwards a group of us heading down to Camilla's to rehydrate and plan out the night. At this stage I inadvertently offended Bridget - who went off at me like an escape psych-patient breaking away from the tyranny or anti-psychotics. It was more than a little of an unpleasant surprise. I had always thought people talking about how crazy she was were being a little unkind. Now I'm not so sure. And that pretty much put an end to planning an evening with Oli. I headed home, which a nasty case of the shakes, to spend a quiet night in being cranky. Basically, I felt like crap due to my retarded natural impulse of assuming crazy people are right and I, somehow, am at fault.
Sunday, I was very sore post-soccer. I met up with Meg at Woodhaugh, got pizza with her for lunch and then she visited to read my comics. Made for a nice afternoon. Then I visited Rachel, whose daughter seems to have entirely forgotten who I am in the couple of months since I last saw her. All up a nice relaxing afternoon. Then off to my grandparents' for dinner. My mother was there, with her boss (who has been staying with her - with strikes me a VERY unprofessional (and a bit whore-y, I wonder what her partner thinks about it)). My brother is clearly unwell in a serious way and refuses to go to a doctor, while mum pays no attention to the whole thing. Pretty much seeing my family cancelled out all the good the pleasant afternoon had done.
Yesterday, I was in the office. Didn't get much done on my thesis, but did catch up on a couple of other things. My shrink session went pretty well, I had hair loss to talk about.
Atleast I mostly seem to have stopped losing hair for now. It is visibly thinner to me, but no-one else seems to have commented. I guess it is still thicker than most people's hair. For once my retarded hair has turned out useful.
18th October 2006 - Luke, Evan.
I'm being amused reading a thing from the US Census lot. In 1911 "the most popular baby names were John and Mary; they are now Jacob and Emily". Jacob and Emily? I'm pleasantly surprised that sensible old names seem to have come back in to fashion. I remember as a kid the Emily in my class at school, and teachers commenting on what an old lady name it was. I just hope more of the old names come back, and get rid of the stupidly spelt white-trash names flooding the world.
In other news, my father appears to be enjoying Antarctica.
20th October 2006.
Wednesday night soccer I played hard out. It was awesome. I got in "the zone" and run with it until I hit the point where you have exercised so much you suddenly feel like you are going to hurl. One of my gym-bunny-ish friends assures me this is a very good sign. Mostly, it just leaves me thinking gym-bunnies are crazy freaks. It put quite the downer on otherwise good exercising of my lard.
Yesterday morning, I got to varsity, checked my email, and got my acceptance letter to present at the Pearl-Poet Society session at Kalamazoo. If I can get the funding, I'm going to Michigan in May. Biggest medieval conference in the world, I'm very excited. The rest of the day is pretty much a blur of gibbering excitedly like a idiot / hyperactive child.
In the evening I went to Alana's birthday dinner, and managed to get crapped on my a bird on the way. Grrrrr. I know it is supposedly good luck, but still.
Anyway, I should get myself sorted. I have to go and talk to the HOD this morning, since I have to organise funding and the like.
25th October 2006 - SS. Crispin and Crispinian. Middle lessons of S. John of Beverley, Bp. and Conf.
Friday I spent in the office, and had a quiet night in. Nothing particularly noteworthy, other than my still being very excited about the conference.
Saturday I was supposed to be playing soccer outside again, but the weather was shocking so some of our team went to the Edgar centre and played four a side while listening to the nasty rain through the giant metal roof. After coming home to shower off the sport related stink and have some dinner, my ankle seized up. It was unpleasant but eventually loosened up enough that I could walk to Oli's for Erin's farewell party. Yet another of my friends off to the UK, and this one possibly for good. I got very drunk on punch. Punch always gets me. The night was full of people commenting on how much less spastic I've got at soccer - and I'm still pretty crap which says things about just how bad I was when I first started - and me drunkenly being over friendly. I kept shamelessly and ridiculously hitting on several of the girls. Ah, alcohol. At the end of the night I walked homeward with Lyall and got Subway, I even gave Lyall the free second sub I got (vouchers good). Alcohol seemed to have overridden my natural insane cheapness.
Sunday I was tired and feeling a little arse all day. I stayed in and played Sims - to prepare for the next expansion pack. Also had quite a nice chat to Simon, which isn't exactly a regular thing these days.
Monday was Labour day. I did bugger all. Pretty much a Sims playing rerun of the day before, though with a massive junk food ending which I assumed was going to get me into trouble.
Yesterday, my quarterly check up. Even after all the shit I've been eating recently, I've lost most of the weight that I put on earlier in the year. In less good news, blood pressure up to 148/80 - and this after me wagging the morning to be as relaxed as possible (a fact I omitted to tell my doctor). If I can't get it down by the next time I go, I'll be going on to bigger and scarier drugs of the old people post-heart attack variety. Seems I have to get my stress levels under control before they kill me. I have also caved and accepted treatment for my rhinitis, after a couple of years of it getting on my nerves - hopefully I won't be so reliant on snot rags in the future, if the stuff works at all.
Last night I curled up in bed after Outrageous Fortune and started reading Terry Pratchett's new book. I think I might go do more of that now.
26th October 2006.
Yesterday, I spent in the office. In the evening I had soccer and took a ball to the nads only about a minute in to the game. It hurt a lot, and it still a bit tender. Managed a few other minor injuries as well, so I'm pretty sore today. It was an awesome game though, so entirely worth it. Then last night I stayed up far too late reading Wintersmith.
Today, I was tired and sore and a bit cranky. Midafternoon my thesis had me more than a little wanting to cry - but that would have been cruel to the girl in my office who has to submit by Tuesday to qualify for her scholarship, and thus has far more reason to cry. It was just going very badly and I don't know what to do. Then all I could think about were the "isn't it about time you finished it" comments my friends keep making. Somedays I really do wonder if certain of my friends are actually trying to get me to off myself. Maybe they have money on it.
Anyway, I stayed a bit late at work, achieving sweet fuck all - but even that much was a pleasant surprise considering how I was feeling. Then I rang some flats to see if I could go see with much less luck than I had hoped for. I went and got dinner in town and then looked at a couple of places, got some groceries and came home. After trialling the ration pack dessert from the Indian Army I had got myself at the supermarket I headed to my mother's to return my brother's book (Wintersmith) and lend him some stuff. That ended up taking much longer than expected. When I got home I discovered that the GreenIslandite had been texting me from about the time I headed off trying to get me to go out for dinner. The texts seem a bit too keen, which is disturbing and I really don't know how I feel about it. Tried to talk it over with Simon, but he wasn't replying to my messages - I think he may be busy, though it occurs to me I've not heard anything out of him since the weekend, so I may have offended him somehow again. Seems to be something I'm good at.
Anyway, weird day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
27th October 2006.
OKay, last night I wasn't exactly king of HappyLand.
Today I burnt myself on my breakfast and have a nice shiny obvious burn on my thumb. Great way to get things started. I was then late and missed the lecture I was supposed to go to (mostly as I was too chicken to walk in after it had started, even though I was only a couple of minutes late). I then discovered I'm probably not eligible for divisional funding for the conference - which is a bit of a blow, but will hopefully not mean the trip is over.
Fortunately for there the day was mostly up hill. I got a not too bad bit done on my thesis. And in the afternoon Stew rang me up and took me out for a hot chocolate which was very much appreciated. I'd not seen him in months, and it was well timed as far as me needing to be social went. My Canadian citizenship is trapped in a post shop, I shall have to fetch in on Monday.
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