Still sick, so still boring.
1st February 2008 - Bridget, V. and Mart.
Yesterday I missed too much of my nap time, and when at Alana's for dinner I was getting a bit unpleasant. Turns out that I suck.
I've spent most of today sleeping. Though did take the beads out of my smurf beanbag this morning as there was room in my rubbish bag and it's rubbish day. It turned out that in the twenty-five or twenty-six years I have had said beanbag they had got very flat and a bit gross. And washing the bag gave me a chance to run a hot wash through my washing machine (which will hopefully reduce the slight chemical smell it gives all my washing). It didn't get the bag as clean as I had hoped though. I guess well over twenty years of worked in grime isn't all going to just happily wash away.
At lunch my mother bought me a clothes horse, new beans for my bean bag and, well, lunch. Then I came home and slept.
After dinner, I headed to the supermarket with perfectly good intentions of vegetables and somehow bought $12 of chocolate chip biscuits. I think my choosing to believe that changing my dosage wasn't going to hit my impulse control the way going on them in the first place did may have been a little premature.
Otherwise on the fun dosage changing front, I'm being irrationally emotional and anxious about practically everything. I even made a bit of a scene at Simon, so may have to give him some space as to not exhaust his crazy person tolerance. In fact, I may just avoid all uhman contact for a few days, or until things seem to settle down a little.
2nd February 2008 - Purification of Blessed Mary.
Turns out constant irrational anxiety is much less entertaining than comedy television would suggest.
Upside, It is making my regular irrational anxiety seem utterly sensible by comparison.
After having only been up about an hour and a half, at nine this morning I went back to bed and slept until early afternoon. The day since has been split between dozing and Buffy watching. I had shepherd pie for dinner and it took freaking forever to cook (probably should have taken it out and thawed it like a sensible person, but wasn't having a planning ahead day). As soon as it starts to settle a bit, I'm off to bed. The staying awake at all thing is taking a fair bit of effort today.
In happier news, my smurf bean bag is refilled (possibly slightly over filled) and fully functional. Go the smurfs.
3rd February 2008 - Blase, Bp. and Mart.
I'm still sticking to rewatching DVDs that boil down to being drama of human misery. That way, when I get stupid emotional I can say the drugs have just made me fragile and led to me responding in ways the things were written to bring out in the audience. It means I can't watch the DVDs I own but am yet to watch (such as the end of season two and all season three of Fraggle Rock) as getting insanely emotional over light comedy would just prove me to have become a complete mental.
Though for now I might just go back to bed. A sensible long night's sleep (filled with quirkily memorable dreams rooted in now redundant anxieties) has mostly just left me tired and ready to tumble back in to bed. If I wasn't forcing a same time wake up every day to take my meds, I doubt I'd have gotten up at all. Though today I think showering and putting actually clothes on could be a good move. I think multiple days spent entirely in pajamas is a slippery slope to badness.
I'd realised first thing this morning (when writting the above) that today and being upright weren't things that would happily go together. By nine in the morning I was back in bed, as anything that involved being upright and moving lead to me feel rather unwell. Other than quickly stumbling out to get a lunch of several raw carrots and somewhat more chocolate chippies than intended, I was in bed dozing, reading or dozing until 5pm. At which point I looked at the clock and realised that if I didn't get up then, I wouldn't. And thus wouldn't shower for the second day in a row. I'm a big believer in daily showering. Missing one day due to sickness is almost acceptable. But missing two? I don't think I'd even accept missing two days of showering if I was dead (being a zombie is no excuse for poor personal hygiene). That said, it turns out showering with movement induce nausea isn't particularly fun. I was pleasant surprised that I managed to get through washing my hair without throwing up.
I'm currently sitting considering going back to bed but knowing I have to make actual dinner first. And enjoying the wearing something other than blue and white check pajamas for the first time since early friday afternoon.
It worries me how when I'm all house bound with absolutely nothing happening in my life to talk about I seem to write a lot more in this thing. Goes against any kind of logic sense.
Possibly it's just due to my complete lack of interacting with human beings in any way. I really should remember to plug my phone back in when I'm not on the internet. It is theoretically possible that someone might ring.
Woot, I woke up from my post dinner nap at pretty much the exact write time to watch the new Bionic Woman - so that is what I'm doing. Nice escape from how fucked up my meds are making me. My head: currently not the awesomest place to be.
4th February 2008.
Bionic Woman was disturbing in just how many Battlestar Galatica cast members were in it.
Today, I've done little. A morning plan to watch some Buffy, led to falling asleep on the floor of my lounge - not the worlds most comfortable place but, surprisingly, not unwarm. I did make it in to town to return a library book, and impulse grab another that one of my friends had offered to lend me. I was in the library and right there so it seemed easier than borrowing it off someone. Library books are helpful, however, in that I can spine-age then without guilt.
The run of days spent mostly just sleepings means that my kitchen is looking a bit mank. Not quite student flat bad, but with only one person here it seems wrong for it not to be shiny and clean. Standing up isn't going so well tonight, so cleaning it will have to happen tomorrow.
5th February 2008 - Agatha, V. and Mart.
While staying up to watch Pushing Daisies (which is almost as awesome as it'd been made out to be), my days of feeling down suddenly swung the other way. I now realise why bipolar disorder is bad. I'd take being depressed over an upswing any day. Possibly my meds induced up swing retained more anxiety than true bipolar upswings do, but the whole experience was weirdly unpleasant (especially as I was feeling creepy bouncy and warm and fuzzy while feeling completely arse, in a happy way). At least it was a learning experience for me.
In other insanity related news, I've moved from talking to myself a bit to basically arguing with myself out loud. I'd like to blame the drugs for that too, but I think it could just be too much time spent not around any other people.
Looks like I'm not a crazy. Go me.
I did go and be around people today. All like a normal person and everything. I went to a postgrad meeting/seminar. I didn't exactly contribute, but I was amount people and managed to not make a scene. On the way home I bumped in to Carla, who drove me home and after noting the emptiness of my fridge took me on a supermarket run - so I could take advantage of her car to get stuff home. People are great.
Oh, and it was my first afternoon without a nap in ages, possibly why I feel like a corpse now.
6th February 2008 - SS.Vedast and Amandus, Bpp.
I'm supposed to be in the Octagon having fun and awaiting fireworks, but the standing up was making me feel kind of icky so I'm home and missing the one good civil fireworks display of the year. Go me and my general awesomitude (so a word).
I had a nice dinner at Alana's before I abandoned her (with her friends) in town. Too tired to write sensibly, time to head off to bed a good hour before the fireworks are even happening. I'm such a nanna.
7th February 2008.
The fireworks woke me up again, but it turned out I could watch them while sitting on my bed. They were reasonably pleasant at a distance, though proved the Octagon was a slightly different direction from my flat than I had thought. I then went on to lie awake for ages in a bit too much pain to ignore enough to get back to sleep. Quite frustrating. Though I got off eventually and lasted till an anxiety attack woke me at four in the morning. Will learn me for getting comfortable about sleep. Also shows I'm getting a touch paranoid (in the popular use, not the techincal one) about what a shut in I'm becoming. May have been brought on by discovering how much my friends have given up even bothering to invite me to things. I'm also becoming quite worried that living alone was a very stuid plan, sanity wise. It is beginning to look like living in my mother's spare room might have been better for me, and that would have been guarenteed to lead to murder within weeks (though I'm far from certain whose or by whom).
Now I just have to wait for my breakfast to settle a bit so I can go back to bed. Feeling far too crap to stay up and about.
The real problem with being alone so much, is that it is leading me to sit at the computer far more than I should be. I know pain is character building and all, but I really have to find some way of alleviating the loneliness that isn't simulataneously inducing more pain. Self-inflicted pain is generally frowned on and all. And yet I'm here agin, just because road works noise was making my morning nap a little ineffectual.
Interesting side note, last night was the first time since I moved in that I've been outside my apartment outside of daylight hours. Seems I really am the great social butterfly, always tucked away well before night. No wonder people have given up inviting me to things.
I think the loneliness is just bugging me more than usual today. Probably somewhat the result of my meds. Whatever the cause, I'm really not having a good go of things today. Even cleaning failed to distract me, it just left my flat smelling of handy andy.
I'm very bored, thus using the computer again. My eyes are in too much pain to do anything for too long. I can't even lie in bed reading. And just lying about gets boring fast.
Still having some insane loneliness issues. Friends I've tried messaging over the dread medium of the interweb have responded resoundingly with silence or by going offline. And the couple of people I've tried to ring aren't home.
I have to push off, the screen is making my head hurt a lot more than it was.
8th February 2008.
It turned out, at 2.30 in the morning when I woke up from a dream about needing to pee (my dreams can be disturbingly literal) that I had been in a lot of pain yesterday. It was like when you don't realise how loud some background noise is until it is gone. I feel a wee bit better about crowning myself king of Crazytown now. Pain doesn't ever do particularily good things. Then I curled up in bed with a pleasant dream about proof reading (my dream handwriting has nice big round distinct letter forms - so much more readable than my actual handwriting).
Anyway, I think after breakfast I'm going to turn this machine off and leave it that way for the day. Best not tempt a repeat of that sort of pain quite so soon.
9th February 2008.
Yesterday my day of almost no computer use went very well. Turns out it helps with the pain quite significantly. The thing it really doesn't help with, though, is the boredom. I scrubbed stuff and organised my linen cupboard and, of course, napped a lot. In the evening I headed around to Oli's and went ot the beach with him and a few of his workmates. It was awesome. Though realised while out swimming that it was a bit late in the day and not as warm as it could have been. Then after stuffing around at Oli's for a while we head, far too late, to town for dinner. Nowhere we wanted to go was open, so we ended up having Velvet Burger - tasty but a crime against the wallet. Not too long after dinner, I piked and came home.
This morning I've been to the pool for my final swim with Meg, as she's skipping town on me, and to the farmers market. I feel productive, even though I'm really not.
I had a pleasant lunch with Meg and Lyall. Then me and Lyall wandered around the market day in town before crashing Oli's for a while. Now I'm home and being lazy and using the computer exactly as I shouldn't be.
I'm having a slight attack of irrational assuming one of my friends is actively avoiding me, or horribly ill. Yay, my brain.
I should escape the computer while I can still see. I have a new comic to read.
10th February 2008 - Scholastica, V.
Today was my parent's 29th wedding anniversary. Neither celebrated it.
Last night I had a quiet one, and this morning followed suit till my dad arrived. Lunch with him and my brother was followed by heading out with Alana, Rachel and sprogs to the early settlers. Small children are exhausting. Afterwards, as in the area, I visited Renate and dropped something off to Simon before heading to my grandparents for dinner in celebration of my mother's birthday.
The screen is getting to my eyes faster than usual, I should probably push off.
There is too much happening in my head and after more than an hour trying to sleep I'm up again. I pretty much came online hoping to catch my dad still on, but that didn't work so well.
I'm really hoping it is still my meds fucking with me, as I'm quite with the illogical. All ridiculously upset about things I have no right to be upset about, or upset for no discernible reason at all. I just came disturbingly close to ringing Simon purely for my own self-(fuck I've lost the word I want - my brain is arse. Maybe the word I want is affirmation. things just aren't sitting in my head where they should be).... I think I should just go back to trying to sleep. Hopefully things will look better in the morning.
11th February 2008 - Translations of S. Fredeswide, V.
While finishing up this thing last night I realised I'd cross from being a bit off my game in to being in a bit of a state. So I rang my dad and talked to him about nothing for a while. Settled down the noise in my head nicely. As that was the last night in ages that my father will be easily ringable, I really am going to have to work on sorting out my own shit.
Admittedly, quieting the noise in my head meant I became much more aware of how much pain I was in. Sometimes pain is handy. It meant I could blame my feeling miserable on the throbbing and didn't have to admit it was probably about how much I was completely failing to handle things.
After years of being crazy in the anxious way, slipping in to crazy in the actually crazy way is entirely failing to make me happy.
I've spent much of the day in bed reading. Finishing up the last few chapters in The Big Over Easy, and then went briefly through town to lend some DVDs to my mother and get another library book. I still keep finding myself being more than a little irrational and treating things as personal and important when really they aren't much of either and boiling in a mild rage about something/one there is no logical reason for any sort of anger about. I'm mostly avoiding messaging anyone tonight, I think I have warn out the Matthew-tolerance of too many of my friends already.
I'd normally be trying to nap off the crazy, but I want to be awake for Pushing Daisies, so I guess I'll just have to stay awake through.
I should get off the net though, both as I don't want screen watching to kill my eyes before the show and as if I stay on here I'm going to end up messaging someone and end up sheading even more of my friends (which could be useful in the long run (my plan if it turns out I am heading toward being a dribbling vegetable is to not tell anyone but be so unlikeable that I'll end up just not having any friends that I haven't told through not having any friends - it's a plan...(and a defence against people feeling they have to do stuff out of pity (if any of my friends did this to me though, stole my right to feel unless and miserable while filled with the desire to help them out somehow even though I know I can't, I'd be pissed)))). Someone needs to removed the parentheses keys from my keyboard, it may lead to me actually structuring my sentences. And really, how often does anyone need 9 or 0...?
12th February 2008.
Popped this thing up to start my entry and then got distracted by people actually talking to me. Something I quite appreciate. But now my forehead feels like it is shrinking, so I guess I should go make dinner and turn this beast off.
13th February 2008.
I really have turned in to one of those horrible grownups that just talks about their work. Talking about being sick is significantly getting on my nerves, and it must be horrible for those on the receiving end.
Yesterday, other than a short walk around my building, I didn't leave the house. I was in bed until 4:30 in the afternoon on a day split between naps and reading The Fourth Bear while curled up in bed. While this doesn't get me out of the house, it's probably good for my wallet and my waistline. My impulse control about junkfood seems to be in constant decline. At least my impulse control about try to hint pity sex out of someone, who already knows that my claims to be a mediocre shag are a product of my own wishful thinking, is holding up a little better. I still have just enough wits about me to know that harbouring a disturbingly persistant affection for someone doesn't, in any way, stop atrocious creepiness from being atrociously creepy. I'm blaming the social pressures of the upcoming St Valentine's Day - great sham that it is - and the implication that if a man can't prove his worth by buying psuedo-romantic crap for someone then he isn't worth anything.
Have to not read so much today. While reading books is less bad than screens, it stills gets me what I do too much of it. *grumbles*
Arse, talking about my health again already.
I went to town after breakfast, to pick up some new hanging files for my filing cabinet and to perve at the damage after the accident at the railway station yesterday. I think I should have gone down last nigh as it was quiet tidied up by midmorning today. Then I came home for napping and reading and napping, and now I'm tidying up my filing cabinet while I kill time before I make dinner.
Forgot to mention on here, I discovered on Saturday that I'd entirely missed Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday and thus lent was underway without me. I guess I could just start lent late, but this year I just can't be bothered doing it. I'm pretty sure I'm not poor enough to be excused as one of 'the poor' and I'm definately not old enough to be excuse for advanced age and I'm choosing to believe I'm not sick enough to count amoung 'the sick' - so I guess I'm just upping my mortal sin for the year.
14th February 2008 - Valentine, Bp. and Mart.
Woot, the mood swings seem to be settling down. I'm still he of craziness, with the having to get up multiple times in the night to check such things as if the door was lock or the stove was turned off. Now, at least, my irrationally over-the-top emotional responces are responces. Weirdly it is much easier to talk yourself out of a massive over responce when it is clearly about something. I can think " Sure, my atrocious creepiness snuck out, if not exactly in the format I was worried about, but I'll either be forgiven for it in the due course or I'll go on a nice friendly homicidal rampage" (I'm quite confident my meds aren't fucking me up enough for a homicidal rampage) and then it doesn't seem such a problem.
The fact that I'm over half-way through trialling my change in meds before they've settled enough to work right is probably not for the best but I guess that's life.
I'm concerned by how much I've been writing on this thing recently. I seem to be oversharing a little and I'm worried by what might be causing it. It may just be the whole too much time alone thing but....
Just picked up some of my glasses that had been buried in flatmates rooms and my DVD remote. Hooray for helpful ex-flatmate Tristan.
Somehow I seem to be pissing people off without meaning to even better than usual today. Even "have a nice day" has been getting me in trouble. Homicidal rampages are beginning to look a little less crazy.
15th February 2008.
Lunch time yesterday I took a walk to Pak'n'Save, to get lunch but mostly just to get out of the house (the running away from my insanities approach). I hate that supermarket, it forces everyone to walk through the seafood section and recently the smell of raw seafood makes me very unhappy. One day I'm going to hurl all over the supermarket floor, which will be quite mortifyingly embarrassing for me. Late afternoon, poving that I was at the top of my game, a surprise message of warm fuzzies from one fo my friends was all it took to turn me into a gooey pile of completely-lacking-in-manliness. Still, better to be stupidly fragile than just plain all over the place. I ended up having an early night as the urge to come of line just to being an appreciative friend (with obsessive ex connotations) was getting on my nerves enough that I refused to succumb. Only getting out of bed to recheck the doors being locked and all the important stuff being turned off.
Today, I've been unpacking my lego and discovering that my castles are too tall to go where I was planning to display them. Slightly annoying, but I'll come up with something. I went in to town and had lunch with Alana. And that's pretty much the excitement of my day.
16th February 2008 - Juliana, V. and Mart.
I got up this morning intending to do an early run to the farmers' market, but the weather was crap so it didn't happen. Instead I had a nap. When I got up to tidy up before Midget came around to visit I found she'd texted cancelling, so after about an hour chatting to her on the phone (something I have to use more, considering how much telecon charged for the connection fee (significantly more than I'd thought they had said) I curled up in bed read a bit and then napped again, to be woken up, sweaty and shaking from a disturbing dream I remember far too little about to understand why I was so shaken. After unleashing my inner whiney bitch on Simon, who was very nice about it, I went back to bed and read. I'm trying to read Gene Wolfe's The Book of the New Sun, I'd started it last year but the second volume (of four) was out of the library at the time and I lost momentum. Now I'm finding it just too difficult to keep up with. I've become a stupid person. It is quite frustrating. I'd noticed it a bit when I read The Amber Spyglass last year, but now it's very apparant.
This evening I went for takeaways for dinner for the first time while living down here. So I ventured up to the mornington shops - I think they are further away, at least time wise, than south D. But there are a lot of chippies. The feeling a bit blah about how much my brain isn't working for me lead to me buying two litres of chocolate milk. I'm going to be so sick tonight. On the walk home I was a bit zoned and came a lot closer to walking under a bus than is really ideal.
I think I might put on some Buffy (as my rewatching it all is still not complete (having taken several months now)) and clean some more Lego.
18th February 2008.
Yesterday I lay in bed reading a childrens' book most of the day and went with Midget for coffee in the early evening. Was nice to see Midget again, it had been a while.
This morning I had my first housing corp inspection. It seemed they were checking that the smoke alarms still had batteries and that I hadn't sold any of the walls. I went for a walk and got lunch before an afternoon split between sleeping and cleaning Lego. This evening, I had plans to go to a birthday dinner at the new Mexican place in town, but it was changed to Nova at the last minute. The food at Nova was okay, though isn't sitting well and I feel quite gross. The service, however, was shocking. For how much they charge, they could at least try.
19th February 2008.
Haven't done all that much today. Went to the O-week tent village to cruise from free stuff, but the free stuff wasn't up on what it used to be. Quite the let down, really. Not done much else. Gave up on the neopets plot due to it not being any fun. Watched a bit more Buffy, I'm finally on the last disc. Watched House on TV (which guest starred two Buffy veterans - both from season seven). And am now about to go to bed. I'm supposed to be helping to run a stand at clubs and socs day tomorrow. Best try to be semi-alive and not too cranky. I may even sleep well tonight if I am lucky. Since Saturday I've had very nightmare disturbed sleep, which I'm not liking. I miss the many years of rarely even being conscious of having dreamed.
20th February 2008.
Just home from six hours on my feet running a stand. Turns out it is more than I can handle now days - which is embarrassing. And the gross skin memory thing my meds are doings to me, combined with the seven-ish hours I've been up and about, is looking quite disgusting. It looks like my feet have be cut off and then very badly reattached. At least I think there should have been enough enthausiastic undergrads sign up that one of them can be made society president. I just don't have the energy to even feel guilty about how little I've achieved in the position anymore (okay, we all know that is a lie - I always find engery for guilt, like space for dessert).
I stumbled how and was preparing to curl up and die when I remembered I have to go meet Alana at her work in less than an hour. So I'm putting off dying, and will have to work at faking being human a little longer today. And possibly find some shower-in-a-can.
21st February 2008 - Last day for LXX.
Today I can varely walk and even just going from my bedroom to the lounge seems too much like work. I guess I really did overdo things yesterday - which is embarassing considering how little I did. And I have a wee bit of finger trembling going on, which is making typing a more annoying process than usual. I'm tempted to just go back to bed for a while more, but I've already had two naps today and it is getting ridiculous.
I had a reasonable pleasant dinner with Alana and her boy last night (pleasant if we look past the getting misquoted and in trouble for saying something that wasn't what I said). He made nachos with much cheesiness. But by the time I got home I was limping about in something a kin to cartoon gorilla stance (which, as it turns out, is not a martial arts position of toughness).
I suspect today will be one of those days when I don't live my little concrete box at all. I'll check for mail tomorrow.
22nd February 2008 - S. Peter's Chair.
I went to bed at eight last night, and while my sleep was a little disturbed, I do feel a lot better today. I can now stand up normally, which has a lot to be said for it.
I'm sure I had a dream of the sort I thught I should share when it woke me, but now can't remember it at all. Guess it wasn't actually that interesting.
Just home from the doctors office. Once again I have perfect blood pressure, shame it doesn't help with my being horribly sickly. Otherwise, I just had confirmed that I'm staying on upped drugs (with the offer of taking them higher if I wanted) at least until I have seen the specialist. I forgot to get myself weighed - now that I'm actually sick my doctor seems to have stopped caring about my weight.
23rd February 2008.
I'm a crap person to be friends with.
After a quiet morning at home being too lazy to get up and go to the farmers' market, Simon suggested catching up in the afternoon - which was awesome. He came round for a look at how amazingly little unpacking I've done since the last time he saw me, when he helped me move in. Then we headed to his and watching King Kong, the Peter Jackson one, on DVD. It's something we've been intending to do pretty much since the DVD came out. Shows just how organised and sociable we are. And pizza for dinner all good. Pretty much the only real bad point of the day is me. I'm basically turning in to a complete mental. At least I managed to stave off the crying until I got home. Now I'm a bit with the hungry, dirty baby routine. It's not pretty. I should go to bed before I make more of a fool of myself.
24th February 2008.
Last night was definately the worst for drug mood-swing craziness that I've had. I was really not a good person to be last night. Between the cry and the shaking and the texting to tell Simon I'm too fucked up to be friends with and that he should do better. I'm not sure what the worst was.
Okay, the shaking was clearly the most physically disturbing, it was like psychologically induced cold sweats. Leading to sleeping sans-blankets and waking up with an exciting heat rash over my chest, shoulders and back in a room that smelt like the inside of a giant sock (of the sweaty and gross variety). I'm hoping Simon will pretend the text didn't happen, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see how that one plays out. I had a point, and he may notice that I'm not wrong (just entirely acting against my own wants).
At least this morning the shaking has stopped. And mostly the crying. It's like I'm carrying around a giant irrational pit of despair (one that shouldn't be anything more than a dip of mildly irrational annoyance) and every now and then is sucks me in again unexpectedly. Crying over the washing your loading in to the machine (at 7:30 on a Sunday morning, thus cementing the love your neighbours have for you, through loud washing machine noise when they are probably trying to sleep in) is not the sanest look.
I miss being an emotionally retarded teenager. I never had to deal with emotions getting the better of me as I was too clinically depressed to have any. Good times.
I'm rambling, like the complete crazy that I am.
I have far too much tan on my hands - random observation, due to the fact I'm typing and can see my hands. I think it's probably a sign I'm not taking the photo-toxicity of my meds very seriously. Probably give myself cancer. The fact that that currently seems like a good idea is probably a bad sign.
I think I'm glad I rejected my gps offer to up my meds on Friday. On even more crazy pills, I don't like to think how messy last night would have got.
Though trust me to have a massive side effect event (admittedly, precipitated by something that would probably have got to me a bit anyway) the day after seeing my gp and deciding the current drug course was going fine. It's like a superpower.
After a day of dozing on my lack of couch, while airing out my bedroom to get rid of the sock-like smell, i headed to town to return a library book and get the next. I'm still working through The Book of the New Sun, even though I'm entirely failing to keep up with it. i'm enjoying it for all that I keep spotting things and knowing that something is going over my head I just can't see what. Stupid being stupid. On the way home I finally bought myself a cutlery drawer liner thingee. It was far too expensive and is kind of ugly, but the cheaper ones were far too ugly to bear. I supply enough ugly to the place already, it doesn't need added to. It also, unfortunately, draws attentions to my complete lack of teaspoons.
On the way to my gandparents' house for dinner I went to Couplands for some bread. They'd put their prices up, which was annoying. But more annoying was I had a weird mental block and for a bit couldn't remember my PIN number. I don't quite know how I'm going to last if my brain gets any more useless than it already is. And in the crappy headplace I'm in, I found myself having to fight off crying in public. Otherwise the evening has been fine I guess. My mother gave me a surprise gift of a throw rug for when I get ugly furniture (to make it uglier, it features a picture of a bad heavy-metal-esque dragon).
I have a weird itchy feeling in my ears and throat, the sort that sometimes comes after a cold. I'm choosing to believe, with no science to back it at all, that I've had a cold and it's been messing with the metabolisation of my meds. Thus creating a convenient scape goat for having turned in to a complete crazy.
25th February 2008 - Mathias, Ap.(possibly, it moves on a leap year and I'm not sure I've moved it right).
It was very clear last night that it wasn't a cold. It was hayfever. Bugger it, it was a nice scapre goat to have. Now I just have to accept that I'm not handling things particularily well at all. Didn't top myself though, which is points for rational thinking.
This morning I was much hungrier than usual - being on a fast for blood tests seems to bring out hunger that would normally not be there, irksomely. I still ended up fluffing about for ages and being more than half an hour later to the labs than I'd planned to be. So my breakfast, and ths breakfast meds, were a little later. Normally I'm quite anxious about taking the pills at the exact same time to minimise side effects of craziness, but lately it seems not to be helping all that much anyway.
Then I came home and went back to bed. The day has been spent either in bed or stuffing about since. Now that I've had dinner I'm debating a nap before watching some TV.
26th February 2008.
Pretty quiet day. I spent most of it in bed, sometimes reading sometimes napping. I finished the final volume of The Book of the New Sun. It's a good book, but I think I will have to read it again once I'm well. There is too much stuff in it that I know I was failing to get. Then I returned it to the library and picked up a trashy young adult fantasy novel - something easy to read for a mental break after the hard. On the way home I spotted Bridget in a pet store so I stalked her home. I stayed for a cuppa with her and Oli before they headed off to soccer. I was very tempted to go along myself (I'm missing it quite a bit), but considering the trouble I was having staying upright on the walk home it is probably sensible that I didn't.
[Edited 27 February 2008: I've broken my rule about not removing stuff here - but last night I think I crossed a line into the dark side of overshare that would have just pissed people off (overshare is only allowed when it has at least a little inappropriate humour). So I've pruned out a paragraph here, and a phrase from further down that referred back to said paragraph.]
I really hope the specialist gets to me soon. I could really do with meds that helped without also making me crazy.
In the mean time I am probably going to have to find some middle group between not telling people things and telling them so much they get pissed off at me and start wishing I'd just hurry up and die already (I think a bunch of my friends are pretty close to this one anyway).
Time I stop ranting at this thing and go sleep.
28th February 2008.
Yesterday, I had a pretty quiet day, only leaving the house to go get lunch in town - mostly just to get away from my self for a while. In the evening, my cousin Duncan (not to be mistaken with my Uncle Duncan, or any of my many other relatives with Duncan somewhere in their name (it's about as overused as David among my family)) turned up for a visit. It was a reasonably pleasant surprise, being I hadn't known he had moved down south.
Today has been another quiet day in, only going to the supermarket for milk (and all the other crap I always end up buying once there). My order from Amazon arrived, such a tiny package considering all the postage costs. So I sat and read Odd and the Frost Giants by Neil Gaiman. Very short read, but entertaining. I should sit down and see how much it fits in to Norse myth some day, but I'm too lazy really. One of Dad's work mates dropped his printer to me (since Dad's off and mostly uncontactable for a while, with no use for it himself). Now I'm just sitting about the house cursing out loud more than I'd like. Lying funny as it was helping with a weirdly placed migraine has added neck pain to the now much worse migraine. I think I may try for an early night and see if I can sleep it off.
29th February 2008.
The weird migraineage from yesterday has kept going. The whole left side of my head is tight and sore and sort of itchy-on-the-inside. It is making me cranky. After my morning nap I decided I could take any more of Naomi Novik for a while, so went to town and bought a computer games. Buyer's remorse is mine.
Somehow my dinner turned out huge. I split yesterday's in half, and todays in the left overs, but somehow it is far bigger than yesterdays. Either it grew, or I'm useless. I'm leaning toward the useless.
I should head off, I'm messaging at Simon which is probably a bad sign. Not that he's complaining, though that is more to do with the response of unbroken silence than any sign it isn't pissing him off.
And the computer screen thing still isn't working so good. Stupid head/eyes/me.
Woot, just as I post this my rambling gets responded to. My (admittedly, entirely irrational) worry that I was being ignored was wrong.
Arse, missed rubbish day again. Admittedly the bag is only half full, but it is getting smelly.
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