May 2009
Feeling the cold the way people not me do has put me off winter.
8th May 2009.
I've been leaving the house even less than usual of late. The big dose change of two weeks ago was followed by two weeks of feeling sicker than I've got accustomed to. In the last week I went to X-Men Origins: Wolverine with my dad and brother (I was a bit disappointed and my expectations had started pretty low), had takeaways from Little India with Oli, Bridget and Greer, and then today actually left the house under my own power for the first time all week, for fasting blood tests and then morning tea with Emily. Otherwise I've done very little except prove that my head space is not compatible with trying to make a new internet friend. So apart from today, if other people hadn't sorted me I'd have spent the whole week in PJs, and even today it took the combination of Emily and bloodtests I kept putting off to actually get me up. I'm ceasing to be people.
The week previous, I got the filling fixed (by a properly right handed dentist and it all went quickly and smoothly). In the weekend (other that was significantly antisocial (I was holding out for the possibility of things that were never going to happen - I'm less realistic than I'd like to believe I am)) we won quiz comfortably, which made up for the previous week.
Last night I dropped my dose down for the last time before I'm off completely. Combined with the fast for the bloodtests I've been pretty damn unpleasant today. I am pretty sure I didn't take it out too badly on Emily though and haven't really seen anyone else, so I guess it's okay.
17th May 2009.
I've not been writing as for the most part I've been curled up in my flat feeling fucking aweful. The coming off painkillers, for all that I'm sure it is worth it, is going out of its way to make it suck to be me.
The weekend after I last wrote, I went to Ian's 31st birthday. While I really enjoy the company of Ian and Carla, I always forget when they invite me to things that I tend not to enjoy the company of many of their friends. So while it was good to get out of the house, and there were a few people it was good to catch up with, I mostly spent the night feeling like an unwelcome outsider. On the Sunday I went to the library and picked up Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which I will get read soon and so far am very much enjoying.
The week was pretty quite, though I managed to not dinner at home once all week. Monday, Wednesday and Saturday were all Jesus-over-kill (my cult tolerance got stretched a bit far, I may have to avoid them and their free food for a while so as to not snap and kill them all). Tuesday and Friday both went to getting takeaways with Oli and Bridget - before seeing Star Trek and the before going to the 24 hour booksale respectively (English fail, but I'm too tired to correct). Thursday I had dinner with dad before he shipped off to the tropics, and tonight was quiz (we came second after the dastardly Mark Forbes turned up with a team and picked their double-up rounds better).
For all my nights of out of the houseness, the week was pretty quiet. Have got a new flatmate, though am yet to really interact with him in any way. He's dropped off his stuff but has been staying with his partner and kid so far. I'm a little suspicious he may only be living here so his partner is eligible to get the DPB. But that is just my cynicism talking (being I know nothing about him) and I'm not too worried anyway.
18th May 2009.
There were a bunch of things I'd intended for the last entry to contain, but I was too tired and cranky for it to have happened. Now I'm having issues remembering what exactly they were - possibly proving I really should have written them. It's a bit alarming how much this thing is now written for me to refer back to to fill myself in rather than just a way to vent. Stupid crappy Matthew brains - probably wouldn't even make good zombie food.
On the Tuesday before I saw Star Trek, I watched a bunch of Disney's Gargoyles. The show has aged better than most of the things I remember from my childhood. It is good, but not as good as I'd thought. Star Trek was also less than awesome. My opinions may be coloured by how gross I was feeling through it. And the combined screen time that day lead to a Wednesday that was mostly spent in bed feeling miserable.
On the Thursday I stalked Emily a bit so as to be around non-cultists (which seemed important after Wednesday evening), and picked up the end of Joss Whedon's Dollhouse off Robin.
Friday night the booksale was a very unproductive exercise. I spent about four hours there late on Friday night and stopped through quickly on Saturday morning. in all that time I bought not a single book, and mostly was focused more on not falling on the books I was flicking past than actually taking in much of what they were. I think it was probably all the elbowing from strangers that set it off, but I was having a night when people touching me was pissing me off a lot. Normally I'm pretty comfortable with physical contact even from people I barely know, but on Friday everyone seemed to be touching me and it was fucking me off (especially someone rubbing my belly while commenting on how much fatter I'd got). I'm an irritable old git, but at least I'm self aware.
Today I've been in PJs all day, and mostly in bed. The only time I properly faked being out of bed was when my new flatmate's parole officer came to check he actually lived here.
Sleep time.
23rd May 2009.
Tuesday I ran errands, played 'puter games and read in bed. Nothing exciting at all.
Wednesday was extremely cold so I literally didn't get out of my PJs the whole day. In fact I didn't get out of bed until dinner time (other that quick missions to the kitchen etc.). I stayed in my nice warm bed (winter and being soft and both making me appreciate the awesomeness of my expensive mattress - it is proving worth it) and finished of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. The book, while entertaining, has a frustrating number of Americanisms and could very much have benefited from an English editor. Wednesday night I was bad and ordered pizza, mostly out of laziness and a little out of celebration it was my last time taking the pain meds I've been on since late 2007.
Thursday I went to the pool, walking there and about town after in shorts and jandals even though there was snow on the hills about town. It wasn't actually that cold, and I'd soaked up extra heat from the spa.
Thursday night/Friday morning was a little unpleasant as my body realised it'd had no painkillers since Wednesday. Not a great feeling. Still, on Friday morning I rolled out of bed, through the shower and into too many layers of clothes and went to varsity for morning tea with Emily. I'd never been to the Fix in the Centre of Innovation, it turned out to be a pretty good use of the space and relatively free from dirty undergrads. All one could ask for. And I had a nice chat with Emily, who semi-knows both the people who have been attempting to befriend me via the internet and was giving her opinions. Afterwards I walked her back to her hall and then pottered home. Late afternoon I headed to Oli's work drinks - a little too excited that I was now allowed to drink for the first time in going on 18 months. So I nursed a bottle of Greenman Stout over the two and a bit hours I was at Oli's work before we headed to town and ended up watching the rugby at Ra Bar and eating beer battered chips. Then after sitting around at Oli's and me polishing off a bottle of Greenman's whisky oak aged bock (also over a couple of hours - I was taking things slow to be sensible) and having a disagreement with Oli's couch (which pushed me off on to the floor - really) we headed off, a bit after midnight, to the party that was our official like plans for the evening (and my third a final Greenman). I should not have drunk what I did. Being unused to drinking the beer hit me stupid hard. I'm hoping I didn't do/say anything too embarrassing. I know I was oversharing at Greer a bit much (she was getting the sort of stuff I usually bottle and only vent at Simon). Hopefully she is forgiving enough, or was drunk enough, that it doesn't leave her all judgey at me. by the time I got home, at almost 4am, I was feeling extremely unwell.
Sleep, fortunately, can do wonders. All that feeling unwell from not really that much alcohol lead to waking up feeling a bit tired by otherwise pretty fine. Significantly better than the morning before anyway.
Sleep needed, and today wasn't that interesting.
25th May 2009 - Aldhelm, Bp. and Conf. Middle Lessons of S. Urban.
I feel like a great big dirty liar every time someone asks me how I am. I'm like some monster of falsehood. That I come from a culture where the correct answer to "how are you?" is always "fine, and you?" doesn't seem to reduce how much the ritual makes me feel like I'm perpetuating some great falsehood. This has been bugging me slightly more and more every time I've been asked over the past year or so and I'm getting to the breaking point. And it is all so ridiculous.
On the topic of ridiculous, the last two nights I've pretty much not slept at all. It seems I had very much underestimated what that last tiny dose of my pain meds was actually achieving. And there is no lack of trying - being just now up from an eleven hour marathon of failing to sleep. So basically I lie awake feeling shit. The bad part of lying awake is that it leads to thinking. No good ever comes of thinking. Then add in the fact that it is thinking while everything hurts and that thinking that can never end well gets a taint of extra crankiness. At some point over the recent nights of sleeplessness I realised that while coming off the drugs has taken away the emotional impetus to top myself it has also taken the logic impetus against doing such away with it.
Basically, I've swapped one lot of unpleasant for another. Which I knew I was doing I just didn't realise quite how the levels of unpleasant were going to compare.
I should push off and get food before this rant gets dire.
Lunch was had, then the afternoon was spent watching some Q.I. that Simon gave me a month or so back when I saw him and dozing on the couch feeling crap. Against my better judgement, and based mostly on needing to get away from myself, I went with Oli to another quiz tonight. It turned out to be a pretty awesome evening at the University Oval. We managed second in a quiz significantly about cricket, which was a pleasant surprise and Tim, the guy I didn't really know who we were helping out, was very happy with us.
I'm sure there was a bunch of other stuff I intended to write earlier today but didn't trust myself not to go all crazy person about at the time, but it has for now slipped my mind so is probably nothing too important. I should head off and see if sleep goes any better tonight. It now has the extra problem of having two long nights of very bad sleep giving my bedroom a bit of sick person smell - which is off-putting at best.
26th May 2009 - Augustine, Apostle of the English.
Last night I caved and dug up my sleeping pills. So I slept last night it made things much less shit this morning they they have been. The only real downside was that it left me feeling well enough that I went cycling. Turns out I'm still just as not well enough for cycling as I've been in ages. I came off the bike multiple times, once tumbling slightly closer to traffic than I was even remotely happy with - and as such I don't see cycling happening again any time soon, the streets have got all the Matthew skin I'm willing to let them have for a while more.
I seem to be doing a good job of avoiding cult dinners so far this week, which I'm guessing is a good thing after having worked out why I go to them last Saturday while talking to Simon. Which is too complicated for me to explain right now. It is also another example of Simon making me realise things. It'll be the one advantage if he should dump me as a friend again (I've had a slightly irrational conviction that exactly that has been coming grow over the last year (possibly just as he has a life and thus I don't really ever see him - I'm pretty sure I've only caught up with him socially twice in the past year, not counting when he fixed my computer, and the first of those two times is pretty close to being a year ago)) is that it will make it much easier to lie to myself.
Time I sleeping pill it up again, hopefully after tonight I'll feel like I've actually caught up on a bit of the missed sleep and can then try doing without chemical help to get there. I hate feeling like I need drugs.
Texts From Last Night (215): i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
27th May 2009.
Pills or not, sleeping last night wasn't so productive an activity. On top of the normal pain my shoulder was sulking about it's introduction to the intersection of Andy Bay Rd ond McBride St.
My body sucks and my brain isn't doing much better. Talking to a friend who has come off the drug I just came off, I've been warned I could have up to six weeks of bonus levels of crazy as it slowly gets purged from my system. That wasn't something my GP thought to mention. Stupid doctors (on which topic I have an appointment this afternoon).
The doctors visit happened. My blood tests results all came back very good except for my liver which is struggling under all the meds I've been on. So I guess, though my doctor says it should be fine, I shouldn't get trolleyed too often. My cholesterol, being the biggest surprise, is back were it was years back, making me look all healthy or, possibly, part sheep. He also ruled all my bicycle tumbling injuries to be non-serious, though suggested that I stick to walking for a while. And I'm stating on new meds which will leave me dozy and off my game for at least the first few weeks. Up side, my blood pressure is entirely not high any more. In fact, maybe it's getting a bit low.
I guess so long as I sleep then I shouldn't complain too much.
I'm a little worried by the way my new flatmate went through my meds cupboard on Saturday when he was here. I don't think I have anything worth stealing, but the way he was going though the stuff still put me on edge. Mostly I just have views on space that is mine versus space that is shared, and it seems my views are not shared by my flatmate on the issue. He also started throwing out stuff on my desk. My desk may be a mess but everything on it is on it for a reason and it's my freaking desk. Basically his hanging out on Saturday was an exercise in making me wish I'd not let him move in.
28th May 2009 - Germanus, Bp. and Conf.
One or both of the lack of sleep and the changing of meds hit me much harder than I was prepared for last night. A comment no more snide than people make to and about each other all the time sent me entirely over the edge. I was pretty much at the limit of how angry it is possible for me to be. I had to pace around my flat concentrating on calming myself down to not punch my computer screen and even when I'd got past the urge to do violence on my own property I could think of nothing to say that wasn't an irrational string of the sort of four letter words that are generally frown upon in polite company. So, with me still being me it seems, I apologised (having not actually said anything to give a context for apologising) and went to bed. Did make me glad I rarely see actual people, as I'm not confident I could have resisted the urge to punch him in the face has his comment been spoken rather than typed - and I'm going to be a friendless old git fast enough without doing anything like that.
I suck as people.
Basically on all fronts.
I've a best friend and closest confidant (the spelling has no 'e' when it's a dude, right?) who I'm pretty sure wishes I didn't exist, or at least they we'd never met. Most of my other friends are only friends with me because they are either likers of everyone (like Oli, who does seem like like freaking everyone) or those who go out of their way to be tolerant (which possibly makes me a charity friend).
My brain both hurts and fails to work. I should give up on this whole trying to use words thing.
I have to stop fucking apologising all the time.
And I have to stop being such a self-involved cunt. While I've always been far more wrapped up in myself than I've any right to be, spending so much time alone and sick has made me so very, very much worse. It seems everytime I talk to anyone all I talk about it myself, even in mixed company. I'm becoming entirely unlikeable.
29th May 2009.
Okay, so opening this thing three times before lunch yesterday. Not the best look. Then I distracted myself with toasted pita bread - scalding myself biting into it and leading to a blister on the edge on my lip - looked terrible yesterday today it just looks like herpes (making it novel, as I've never had a coldsore). Then, come lunch time, I headed up to the pool and aquajogged until everything hurt, and then a wee bit longer. Turns out exercise made the whole sulking about falling off a bike thing my shoulders were doing hurt a bunch more. Sometimes muscle pain is good though, it distracts nicely from the pain I have all the time. I then wobbled home to spent the afternoon zoned out and uncomfortable. As cooking dinner I realised I was going to end up repeating the night before if I stayed anywhere where communicating with people was a possibility, so after dinner I watched Futurama and then, at 7:30, headed off to bed to read stuff I'd borrowed off my brother (a bunch of Season Eight Buffy, and issues 25 through 30 of Runaways - something I think I will have to buy myself the set of, or at least read all the earlier ones).
Today I've had a lazy one pottering about at home and doing absolutely nothing. I've not really read anything or watched anything. I'm actually at a bit of a loss as to where the day went. Anyway, I'm about to head out and be social. It being Friday, Oli is making me go out and act like a human.
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