Summer.
4th December 2009 - Osmund, Bp. and Conf.
Well, Thursday a week ago (going back to when I last wrote) I headed in for lunch with Greer. I was still achey and having some minor walking issues, so I gave myself a bunch of extra time to get there. I was still late. It was bad of me. Bridget was there as well, which ws good as I wasn't at my most awake and Bridget talked to Greer enough that I don't think they noticed how zoned out and not paying of attention I was. On the way home I swapped books with Julie. That trip was the only time I properly left the house under my own power the whole week, lunches the following two days not counting for reasons that will be obvious when I get to them.
Friday I lay in bed reading until my father and brother turned up and we went to the turkish place in South D for lunch, before I returned to bed. Was still feeling to achy to really want to do anything. Friday I got my uni results back too. For the paper I got special cirsumstances for they gave me my mark from the first essay as my mark for the paper, and in Latin I just scraped an A+.
Saturday, was pretty much a repeat expect with Great Taste instead of Turkish. Including the me sleeping much of the day away part. The weekend also went pretty much computer free, as I was being a big emo fucktard about how sick I was am didn't want to take it out on people. For some reason being in pain brings on my self hatred. The logic involved is along the lines of "what kind of loser can't even manage not being in debilitating amounts of pain all the time? This loser, that's who". It's not so productive. And some general failing on my ability to interact with people without making them wish they didn't know me score meant that I was also a little hiding from people so as to not have to admit that weren't talking to me.
Go my lack of mental health.
Sunday Oli came around and took me to Mitre 10 Mega, thus getting me away from wallowing in my crazy for a while. I got a free paring knife - it is quite sharp and I've cut myself accidentally with it a couple of times already. Stupid unco fingertips and being used to very blunt knives.
This week I have done well of leaving the house. Monday, I paid bills. Tuesday, I went to the pool and had a long chat while aqua jogging to some guy who has talked to me in the spa a couple of times. Wednesday, I had a delicious lunch at the staff club with Emily. It was great, though a felt a bit guilty about her shouting me lunch. That said money is tight at the moment and I had just enough left of the money from Canadian Mike's money to make up for not paying a summer of rent to buy myself the cheapest thing on the menu at the relatively cheap eatery I went to with Greer on Thursday. Today, I went swimming again. No talking to strangers this time though.
The week had also feature reading of the seventh and eighth Sookie Stackhouse books, and a bunch more avoiding my computer. Though this time as I'd moved to being angry and thought it best not to say some of the things I'm thinking about people to them.
6th December 2009 - Nicholas, Bp. and Conf.
I just got myself officially dumped as a friend. I'd like to say I didn't walk straight into it, but I did pretty much bring it entirely on myself. After two weeks of being given the cold shoulder, while hungover and feeling pretty impressively shite I replied with bitchy passive-aggressive retardness. Being dumped as a friend pretty much followed logically.
So many of my friendships are so broken. I think I'm broken. I just can't function as a person.
I have a nasty case of the shakes. Everything is in tremors. My meds are failing to help. I'd like to blame events of the day, but it is probably just my body hating me. Possibly as punishment for the beers I drank last night.
I would very much like to be still right now.
12th December 2009.
So, following properly from the entry of the fourth. [This entry failed to happen as guests arrived].
17th December 2009.
So, continuing from the fourth as I was. Lets see if I can remember anything..., ummmm.... On the fourth itself I was feeling pretty weird. The poking feeling in my forehead had more twisting and heat in the sensation than is usual so I was feeling quite cranky. I was also seeing some impressive floating lights. It was sort of pretty for a very bad sign. It turned out that night that I'd missed my pain killer s the night before (due to sleeping through dinner time and not realising that I hadn't eaten and thus hadn't taken my meds). So Friday night I went to bed pretty soon after dinner. Saturday was also a bit off, though I made it to the farmers' market. In the evening, after napping much of the day away, I headed to a Seven Dead Sins theme birthday party for three girls I know. I went as "Fires of Wrath", by sticking the card of the same name from the HeroQuest game (which I've had since I was a kid) to my forehead. It was a very fun night, though I drank too much and suffered for it in the morning.
The morning after was the one that led to that wallowing in self pity entry above. You know the one. Basically the hungover crankiness diminished my need to be liked enough to make a very snide and petty comment at Simon would been ignoring me for a couple of weeks (since something also covered in a previous entry - which me being unlikeable). So I curled up in bed after it blew up in my face exactly as I should have expected it to loaded up on ice cream and waited for the feeling horrible to hit me. It didn't. Well, the dairy intolerance did - too much ice cream very bad. But as I waited to have an attack of emotional bad, the only emotion that popped up was a surprising quantity of relief. Seems I'd thought get friend-dumped was coming for a very long time, and as such it actually happening mostly just left me feeling much, much better about the world. I should have been a complete unlikeable arse much sooner.... While I would have argued till I was blue in the fac ethat things were good a few weeks ago, even though we've basically had nothing to do with each other the whole time I've been sick (he's seemed uncomfortable around me the whole time, but I've no idea if that was because I was sick or for some other reason with similar timing). Grand scheme of things, time away from each other is almost certainly good. If we'll be friends again someday, I don't know. And weirdly, I don't care anywhere near as much as I'd expect to. My brain = strange place.
The week following was actually pretty awesome. I was back to only my normal levels of constant pain, which was very nice after a few weeks of less than pleasant. Monday, I went swimming with Meg. Tuesday, I don't remember at all but I'm sure I did something fun. Wednesday, I had lunch with Emily and price checked party supplies. Thursday morning, I bought 3kg of cherrios and a couple of packs of sausage rolls. After that I lunch with Greer and came home to do some cleaning. Friday, much cleaning and a bit more napping than I should have considering how much cleaning I wanted done. So after farmers' marketing with Greer and Dan on Saturday morning, I cleaned until I gave up and accepted defeat. There is a point when you realise that you can't have things perfect, and trying will just make you too tired and cranky to enjoy your own party. So I zoned out on the couch and then started the above entry just in time for Oli, Bridget and Greer to arrive (they came early as Oli and Bridget had Oli's work do to go to that evening) so the party was on. It was a good night, I had enough of a turnout to feel appreciated. I had seriously over catered. It was all pretty fun. Once it got to the point in the night when loudness would probably make the people downstairs dislike me, the party moved to town and met up with Oli's work do crowd, who were at South Bar by that stage. The night followed featuring Albar and Metro. I was far too drunk, but it was my birthday by that stage so that's okay. Come 4ish in the morning I was at Greer's eating marmite on toast and drinking herbal tea, talking crap with her and Oli. As I came home the sun rose.
So, I was tired on my birthday. The big night had really taken it out of me. I'm definately too old for that sort of thing now. I had lunch at the Turkish place in south D with my Dad and brother - mostly as I was craving salad and it was the nearest salad I could think of. In the evening it was mum's family's turn. They all gave me money, so come the next morning I got my dad to drive me around a few computer places to compare screen prices. By 10am I was home with a screen costing three times the money I'd been given, but which is awesome. Go the 1080 High Def LED screen. The only bad part is I had to loan a little money from my father to cover it and am now poor until rent from the new flatmate I've lined up starts coming in (he moves in around Christmas-ish). And to rub the poorness in my face, one of the fans in my computer is in the process of dying and it'll be a while before I can buy new bits and pay someone to put them in (I could theoretically do it myself, but my skills are too dated and poor and I'm just not confident that I wouldn't kill the thing dead). Otherwise this week has featured a nice swim on Tuesday, Emily's grad dinner at the Speight's Ale House (which was extremely nice - I recommend the Black Cherry Chicken), and having Korean for lunch today with Greer and Dan.
I also had a meeting with WINZ today. While they approved my doing one paper each semester next year, I have to go back next week as they are starting to sort invalidating me officially. Will have to see how that plans out, but I may get bumped to getting more WINZ support which may help with the getting the health system to actually do something helpful for me.
21st December 2009 - Thomas, Ap.
Friday, I went swimming and had a long chat in the spa to some random I keep talking to there. I may be making a new friend, though the last time I thought this nothing much came of it except a piking potential flatmate. In the evening, while I was blobbing, Oli dropped in to visit/kill time while he waited for Bridget to finish working. I also took my computer somewhat apart and used my vaccuum on it (exactly as you aren't supposed to) as the fans were so dusted up they weren't spinning right. Some day I should get cleaning equipment that is computer internal friendly - vacuums supposedly do them a fair bit of damage. Oh well, it still works for now.
I spent the weekend at home being a shut in. Quiet was exactly what I felt I needed, so that was what I got. I watched a bunch of Dollhouse, and am quite disappointed that there will only be three more episodes. And also that i have a bit of a wait before I can see them. Stupid Fox. Also, over the weekend, one of my friends started attempting to set me up with someone far too young and pretty for me. I was a bit thrown until I realised it was a ploy to manipulate people so that they took people she is already friends with as their plus-ones to her wedding in a few weeks time. Otherwise, I'd really not know what to think. I know Carla holds me in higher regard than I probably deserve, but I'm not young or pretty enough for what she seemed to be planning.
I've still done no Christmas shopping. I think I'll just end up doing it at the supermarket tomorrow. I'm a touch poor for real present after buying my awesome screen last week. I also spent a little on Amazon today, covering postage on stuff brought with a gift certificate I got for my birthday (finally giving me something to complain about Greer for, her and her irksome generosity - it shouldn't be allowed).
I must organise leaving the house today, I have to try not to let my runs of shut-in-dom get too extravagant.
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