This tab has been open since I wrote the last entry, and I have failed.

A week has happened. I am having to look up my COVID app to work out what happened and where I went, my brain is pretty blank.  Not in a fun blank way.  I think it might be depression brain - which I don't think I had seen coming but appear to have happened at some point.

Last Monday Dunedin had an "event" at a supermarket, which rather sucked.  No-one died but it still left life feeling left safe.  All I did that day was get turkish with Ian and play some D&D.

Tuesday I had brain poking.  I don't think I had slipped into depression mode by that point.  I think talking to a shrink for an hour would have led to noticing that.  After brain poking I went to the science job fair at uni - it was all IT and only IT.  Chem is for losers, it seems.  That evening I got Satay dinner with my dad and sister.

Wednesday, I prepared for my Pathfinder game.  I got Paasha on the way in and had to eat while running the game - so obviously had bought explodey messy food.  Game ran pretty well and I think my players are enjoying it.
I was having a day of vague and fuzzy brain - so possibly that was the warning sign I missed.  Or that was just me being me.

Thursday I had lunch with Oli, then made a bit of an effort to shop for a jacket before winter as I haven't had a decent one that fit in years.  The pop up store for the local company was being run by someone with tailoring experience, so was very happy to poke my body without warning or permission to explain why my weight distribution is wrong for the shape of their large jackets - and so I didn't blow $450 on a rain coat.  And I bought far more junkfood than I normally would because I was not feeling ok.

Friday was a PJ day.  Playing Underrail and doing practically nothing else.  The game is long and I haven't been enjoying it recently but that could be part of the not enjoying anything in recent days.

Also I think Friday was when I realised I hadn't really been sleeping the last couple of nights (or any since).

My brain is so helpful.

Saturday I went to Pakkers for more junkfood, and then ended up going out for hours to a party.  I am sure socialising is good for me but it really really felt like work.  Yet still I didn't realise I had hit depression brain, as much as it is pretty obvious on assessing the event in retrospect.  I have so much of the fuzzy dumbness and the all people being work.  Fortunately my fake jollity skills are grand.

Sunday I felt destroyed so did nothing all day except get dinner with my dad.  Lacking spoons from overdoing the day before, lack of sleep and I now realise also just plain feeling depressed.

This Monday, a friend came around for a chat, otherwise it was more just feeling awful.

And today I realised how hard ignoring the urge to self harm was getting.  I was having to acknowledge and resist/reject the urge.  Which meant acknowledging how much my brain had turned on me.

So a day of doing bits and pieces but mostly nothings.  Brain can't stay on anything for long.  Nothing is fun.  Everything is hard.  Especially staying asleep.