My brain is not good, managing selfdestructive ideation with excessive internet shopping. I didn't need that $600 that I didn't really have to spend......

I am not winning.  I may even be losing.  I am definitely losing at keeping this thing up to date and filled in - but also realise I don't have to keep this thing filled out.  If I am not needing to get this out of my head and only "paper" then I can just not use this thing.

I referred to this thing as something to be filled in and filled out in the same sentence.  Pick a preposition, Matthew.  Or learn English and use the more appropriate one (if there is such a thing).

So basically I haven't done this all month and my memory is not that great.  Time to remind myself with my COVID tracker and be rewarded for slavishly QR coding in everywhere I go (including returning to my own flat).  So much avoiding all human interaction.

On the first I have psychotherapy.  I can't remember what we talked about just that it was rough.  Wait, I do remember and it is something that even my unhealthy amount of oversharing doesn't feel the need to say that much about - mostly just following on and tidying up after the session before.  It was also when my psychotherapist made it clear that he can read my emotions through my shoulders, even when my fake jolly face it holding up flawlessly.  The important part was that this was the first time I wore my Elvira jumper for the year (I think).  And as a result I briefly thought some hot middle-aged gym bunny was checking me out until I realised it was just Elvira getting eye-fucked.

Wednesday the 2nd, I stayed home.  I recall nothing else about the day.  It probably didn't matter.  (I had a strong urge to follow that with "Like my life" but shall refrain.)

I left the house on Thursday the 3rd to have lunch with Oli.

I left the house on Friday the 4th to go to Nando's with Firmin, Simon and Joe for dinner.  Got some groceries on my way home and that was my excitement.  I think that was the night I binged Sweet Tooth the night it came out and screwed up my sleep pattern - which still hasn't recovered.

The following day, while I stayed at home, I did allow guests to enter.  Oli, Greer and their spawnlings came to visit and I entertained a four year old and fed some Lego to a ?17? month old.

The Sunday was also all at home and on I left the house on Queen's Birthday Monday to get junk food from Pakkers.  I was cooking in the evening and didn't hear my phone over the extractor fan in the kitchen so missed out on last minute D&D organisation - thus no socialising.

So we are up to Tuesday the 8th.  Only a week behind now.  I had brain-poking.  I think it was mostly just my psychotherapist trying to get me to talk about my social anxieties.  On the way home I got Japanese curry for lunch at the Miga Hako in Albany Place.  In the evening dad suggested dinner out and at Evelyn's declaration we went to the Cobb and Co in the Railway station, for the first time for all of us.  The food was actually pretty nice.  The only real downside was my family being a bit irksome.  Ev was being very Ev, while Dad was flirting with the staff far too much.  Not helped by a bored waiter call Sebastian who was playing along with the creepy old flirting far too much.

I spent Wednesday sorting my roleplaying society game, as my group wanted one last game before semester break.  I got Formosa Delight on the way in and ordered a book from UBS that comes out next month.  Then the game happened and went fine.  They are now level 3 as I am too generous a GM. 

On Thursday my back hurt so much from walking home with too many roleplaying books in my plus-sized satchel bag thingee.  I did not leave my house or do much of anything.  Ditto Friday.

The weekend followed the trend too except for Dad and Ev turning up on Saturday evening and getting dinner at Rope and Twine in South Dunedin.   It is just a worse version of Speights.  Oh and high points of Saturday, a parcel from Alana and her family and a parcel from Lego contain the three missing pieces for my Medieval Blacksmith.

Yesterday, I had D&D at Carla and Ian's.  Carla had cooked slowcooker stew, and Lisa had very thoroughly planned out a ruin map for us to explore.  I took no damage when other members of the party were making death saves, and I am just standing at the back of the room tolling the dead.

Today, failed to go to Artsenta writing group (as I have failed consistently since March).  Had brain-poking.  We talked about my fear of conflict and the unpleasant situations I let happen in order to avoid starting conflict.  I need to learn to be more assertive if I am ever going to work out this happiness thing I am supposed to be trying to do at least sometimes.

Otherwise the last couple of weeks have just been a lot of muscle spasms and aches, and some extra stabby migraines.

And the titles of today is because this evening I was feeling the bad urges and redirected them into a mighty ape shopping spree followed by a lego.com one.  Wasting money I can't really afford to waste.  Hopefully the stuff does my brain a tiny bit of good.