[CW: Oversharing no-one wants to read about my broken relationship with my own sexuality]
I have to stop being pressured into messing around with "mostly straight" guys who want a go with a guy. Okay, is only the second time it has happened post-Shitlord, but it still feels far too much like a terrible failing that I end up dicking guys I really don't want to because they are persistent and pushy and act all sad about it.
That should not work.
It doesn't make me like them, it just makes me dislike them in a pitiful way.
And then out of awkwardness at how much they have put themselves out I have to fake being in to it. And fake getting off, so they will leave, before just being left feeling dirty and gross and like I should maybe sandpaper my dick.
Because I am broken.
Then I was watching youtube and a channel I follow was talking about different types on the asexual spectrum and the interviewed asexual sounded too much like how I feel about things leaving me wondering if I was actually on that spectrum or if it is kind of bullshit.
My psychotherapist has been pretty clear that he thinks my general aversion to sex is trauma based, and will be reduced by better dealing with all the trauma that I am carrying around.
I am not sure how much I believe in trauma, it seems like an excuse for the fact I am a fail human.
Stop trying to steal the blame from me by giving reasonable explanations for why I am so shit. Just hold it all against me already.
I need fewer unhealthy patterns.
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