Tuesday I got ready for swimming then both my swimming buddies arrived at mine independently and in tears. It was a morning of women crying over stuff going awfully in their lives, and running some errands, and eating injectable doughnuts from Nova. We never did swim.
Then I got home just in time to wash, dress and go to my tutorial.
After the tutorial was weekly date with the Semi-Imaginary One. It was awkward as fuck. The group hang gave him a human shield for the first couple of hours, first the regular hang and then tripping through multiple supermarkets (for full shops, thrice) and then the supermarket. public spaces being very obviously used to avoid having to have any sort of serious conversation.
When we finally got back to his it turned into a bit of a shit show. The fundamental problem is that I really want to believe him, but he keeps doing things that makes believing him a highly illogical thing to do. I cried rather a lot and let him away with basically no explanation. Worse, and explanation that boils down to "nothing is currrently happening with the guy claiming to be my actual boyfriend, anything that happened is years in the past" but with the problem being that the timeline the other guy claims still puts that after the period where the Semi-Imaginary One and I had got into exchanging L-bombs and very much contradicts things I have been told explicitly on other occasions.
Hopefully this is just the immense vagueness of the explanation making things look a lot worse than it is. But I am really hurting.
I don't even know why I am surprised, vagueness and truth-bending have been pretty standard from him. And still I have stayed around, because I fell in love like the fucking moron that I am.
And I apologised a bunch for being upset, and for creating an environment where he has come to expect that being a dick to me in forgivable and fine. Because I have to blame everything on myself, even to someone who at best is regularly dickish in his treatment of me (or, if being super generous, poor at communication of changed plans and always prioritising me below everyone else in his life) and growing evidence suggests is possibly all-around bad news.
And he wouldn't even come up my stairs to get the part of his birthday present that was too big to take with me to class, it will have to be thrown out as it is perishable and it seeming extremely unlikely it will get to him while still good, being I have had it since last Friday (ie, fresh the day I thought it was going to be given).
On Wednesday I started to cry in my lecture. Fortunately I was up the back and could hide in my hoodie. But it was not fun and the kid in the row in front of me was pretty creeped out.
Wednesday night featured curry and Pathfinder character building with Carla and Ian. Was a good escape from moping. though terrible in the reminder that even when having a good time, the Semi-Imaginary One replying to a text in a timely fashion makes me feel stupidly happy. I feel a psych professional would have things to say. They would not be good things. Sometimes I entirely understand why my behaviour leads some of my friends to assume I am hiding an abusive relationship. I am pretty certain it isn't, just neglectful. Though the PhilosophyTube episode on abusive relationships struck some random odd cords, I think that it was more to do with my being broken than anything actually being done to me.
Thursday, after now six nights of basically no sleep, my body 'nope'd my plans for the day by deciding it would give me only a very limited ability to stand up or move. So I spent all of yesterday in my PJs, mostly just zoning out to Critical Role and taking in none of anything. Also, a bit much crying.
Hopefully the crying in out of my system as I am off for a weekend in central mid-afternoon today. And an audience would make things pretty awkward, especially as i don't want to force my friends to have to hate the Semi-Imaginary One. I still (stupidly, I suspect) hope things can work out and end up a functional relationship - we have both expressed L-bombs and an interest in growing old together - so I don't want to poison my friends against him. Though, if I am being honest, most of my friends seem to have got there on their own. (Another of the reasons I have given the link to this blog to only about three of my friends, and those all people too busy with their own lives to check it often/ever - my read count, however, does suggest someone has stumbled upon things.)
I am shouting into the void here.
No one need listen.
The void shall hear me as it eats my voice.
Eats my pain.
I should eat some breakfast. And I managed a few hours sleep, so am totally completely, fully functional for my trip away..... not going to go horribly at all.
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