I have sucked at writing in this thing recently. (Well, always)
I have planned out a lot of entries in my head over the last week, now they are all lost to the fog of my terribad memory.
For the last week (and because I don't have classes on Thursday or Friday, mostly since the day of my last post) I have been on mid-semester break. I had one big bit of school work I needed to do over the break. It is now basically the Sunday that is only one day before class is back and I have done nothing. I still haven't even read the question.
Basically, my stress levels about the paper I am only doing to avoid insanity were pushing me far closer to breaking point than makes any sense - so I have just taken a mental time out from it.
now I am going to have to stress through my last day of the break to sort all the shit I have avoided.
Fuck it all.
On the day of my last post my pathfinder game was called off because David had a thing, which was a shame as we haven't played in ages and it is almost over. I mean, part of me is glad it is getting drawn out a bit longer to hold the end off, but it also needs done.
The following night I finally got to see David, it had been ages, and also Simon (for whom the rarely seeing him thing is becoming unfortunately usual). I really miss when I got to have dinner with the two of them every week. It was good for me to be confident of time around people I like who I am mostly confident also like me. Instead the person I see most regularly these days is the Semi-Imaginary One, who I am far less confident likes me back.
I think I went Friday through Monday only getting so much as dressed the one time I went to get some food. Otherwise it was just wallowing in self-pity and feeding my life to Surviving Mars, which is such a timethief of a game. A game that has eaten almost my whole break.
On Tuesday I went to the pool with Tina before heading to my first appointment with my new GP. He seems pretty good. Though is also a child (can barely be older than 30), and far too much what 20-something me would have awkwardly crushed on. Then I went for bloodtests. They did not go well. I got an old lady phlebotomist and got my hopes up, old nurses are great, but then she ignored my suggestion and went for exactly where I had asked her not to and fucked it up. She dug around inside with the needle and did a bit of damage but failed to get any blood. A young nurse came and took over and was quick, smooth and painless. I don't know what that old woman did, but that is not what I expect from the Southern Community Labs.
After going home, tidying up and putting one of those weird new hydro seal band-aids over the gouge she put in my arm (the bandage even changed colour and rose up in the exact shape of the damage she did, which had far too much of a line effect for something done by a needle). I headed to town for the weekly group hang with the Semi-Imaginary One's flat. Nothing about my relationship makes sense so I shall make no effort to explain it.
In fact, I was watching a making of until far too late. It is going on 1am, I need to go sleep. Will hopefully come back to this in the actual morning rather than the technical one.
[Next morning - should make new entry but adding on here instead]
Anyway, Tuesday night had me feeling about as confident about my relationship as is possible when my one date night of the week was cut short for the third or fourth week running because the daily gym session had been postponed from earlier in the day and thus had to cut into date night. The Semi-Imaginary One has mostly entirely ignored me since - even seemingly ignoring most of my texts.
So winning.
On Wednesday, I finally sorted myself, and was confidently not full of cold enough, to visit my grandmother in her new resting home. It seems pleasant enough as a cage to throw unwanted old people in, but she is seriously unhappy about it all. She had a long rant about how everything had been decided for her without some much as her even being given the illusion of having a choice in anything. Which is understandable, my mother is good at getting what she wants out of people and tends to bulldoze through with whatever idea she has got into her head - though will swear afterward she was only doing what was wanted (and because of her special relationship with the world, she probably even believes that). And she is pretty upset about how little say she is being given in anything to do with the sale of her house - something I agree with entirely after Oli showed me the government funded scheme that would let her keep ownership and allow a much better chance she will actually be able to leave assets to the people she wanted to, but which my mother is firmly against for reasons she refuses to discuss. I stayed about an hour and a half and left when I did so she could properly talk to friends that had arrived. As I went down the hallway I could hear her gloating about how I had turned out so well because she had done such a large chunk of raising me. It seems that I count amongst her personal victories.
Then in the evening I hung out with friends, eating curry and playing some of Carla's special pathfinder.
Thursday I finally booked my haircut on the day I had intended to have it for, so my hair is not being cut until the day before I need to look nice. I will fail to look nice in all the ways because I am gross looking (I say as someone who has broken out in that special type of acne that is supposed to be for teenagers in the days before the big dance, not for middle-aged fagnutses with an event that shouldn't even be a thing).
Then I went to the preliminary appointment for a scientific study that asked me to join. It confirmed that I am what they want in a test subject.
Friday, attack of the wobbling unsteadiness and feeling gross. Watched Carnival Row while playing more of that Surviving Mars game. Ordered delivereasy for dinner as I was having trouble with being upright. Spent the entire day in my PJs.
Saturday, much like Friday but with worse wobblies, exhaustion (sleep disturbed by neurological bullshit) and now watching the new Dark Crystal series (which is pretty good). In the evening I though I was recovered a bit so went for a walk. I discovered when walking past the supermarket that I had been so sick that I hadn't eaten all day, and so spent about $50 on mostly junk (I made some dumb and weird choices, I may have also been a little out of it). Then went past a noodle house and discovered how much I was shaking, by how much I fail to get my dinner into my mouth hole.
Sometimes walking is very bad for my health/waistline.
The pressure to look nice for this thing I am going to on Wednesday has triggered all my worse anxiety things. I may have pulled out all my hair before I even get to the hairdresser.
And again, I am spiralling over something that entirely doesn't and shouldn't matter.
Too broken to human.
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