Winter comes and Dunedin is all cold and crappy.
2nd July 2003 - Visitation of Blessed Mary. Mem. of the Martyrs. Sub-silentio [Processus, Martinianus, and Swithin, Conff.]
I've now had three sleepless nights.
Stupid thinking.
And as of.... now, it is now the third. But I'm too lazy to break the entry
I've done nothing in the last couple of days. I just sit around my flat feeling like crap, eating crap food, getting fatter and going crazier.
My brain is picking on me. I have no plan for my life, and I'm lying awake going over the fact I hate pharmacy, but there is nothing better for me, as I'm too crap to do anything I want to. So I tell myself I do pharmacy, get registered and then work as a part-time locum while I do English post-grad. It'll set my post-grad back by four years (this year which is already gone, and three more counting the paid preregistar year) but it will mean I have a decent job to fall back onto when it turns out I'm too crap to be an academic. But then it'll lead to me being a pharmacist until I kill myself out of the intense hatred I'll develop (ok, that I mostly already have) toward my life. And if by some weird twist of fate I actually prove acceptable as a mediocre bottom-rung academic, I'll have wasted years out of my life training for something I have no desire to do.
Thing two driving me away from sleep. I've ex on the brain. For the last couple of weeks all the emotions I was doing a semi-passable job of burying under whatever other crap I could keep my head busy with have all decided they don't want to remain concealled by other noise in my head, and are making pains of themselves. Pining over my ex is not useful, and the fact it's preventing me sleeping just makes it worse. And it'll just piss my ex off as well, who really doesn't seem to like the fact I have emotions at all.
Somedays I can really see how suicide makes perfect sense, and if I wasn't such a useless lump of wimpy crap, I'd just do the sensible selfless thing and kill myself already.
I should go and try to sleep, and see what crap keeps me awake tonight.
Today's quote is from "".
3rd July 2003.
The weather was quite nice today, so I spent the day wandering the streets of town. In a conscious attempt to get over my ex, I made a point of trying to notice talent in town. This lead to my a little too obviously checking out someone in Whitcoulls, who was not only very pretty, but also buying a book which definately counted for bonus points. Though, of course, nothing will even happen. As usual I check out those WAY out of my league, and am too much of a wimp to ever actually make any kind of move at all. Mainly as being shot down doesn't seem to be the funnest thing around.
At about that point I bumped into Aaron and his gf, Dy. SO I spent a while hanging out with them, and talked to Dy for the first time ever. She seems nicer than Tim had led me to believe. But there is something vaguely irksome about her that I can't put my finger on, though that could just be the aftermath of Tim filling me with negative opinions about her.
Then I did some window shopping until the number of high schoolers in town got a bit high. There are a couple of computer games I'm very tempted to buy, but I think I'll wait until my computer is all upgraded. I also forbade myself from buying any DVDs until my computer upgrade is done and my dental stuff is all done and paid for. There are so many I want to buy. But mostly I'd probably never watch them.
Ah well, Alana wants to borrow my Princess Bride DVD, and she wants me to deliver it down to her. So I guess I should do that now.
Today's quote is from "".
4th July 2003 - Trans. and Ordination of S. Martin.
As of last night, I'm now going to Christchurch today. I've most packed, though it's depressing how fast winter clothing fills a pack up, especially after sleeping bag, spare shoes and towel are in there. Darn crappy winter weather.
I should go get ready. I hope Tina is home when I get there, I'm just a little scared of her flatmates. And hopefully the snow doesn't lead to me being stuck somewhere on the way.
Today's quote is from "".
9th July 2003.
Well, on Friday I rode with my cousin (first cousin once removed) Jenny upto Christchurch, from not long after Oamaru and then for the rest of the drive it snowed. I got to Tina's and she wasn't there, so I went into town and did some shopping. In the evening the snow got heavy and settled over everything so me and Tina got ice blocks at the supermarket, and played in the snow. We even had a great snow fight with a couple of her flatties.
Saturday I went into town with Tina and we met up with her bf, and generally stuffed about the rest of the day.
Sunday came close to echoing Saturday, until we decided to go to the new Charlie's Angels movie. It was good mindless entertainment.
Monday we watched the Jimmy Newtron movie and Spirited Away and then spent the rest of the day playing Heroes of Might and Magic IV, as it was cold out, and I hadn't been able to get a place on a bus earlier than tuesday.
Yesterday, I came home in the morning. I spent the bus ride talking to the ballet boy I ended up sitting with. Turned out I had pre-conceived notions of what ballet boys were like, as I found myself thinking he seemed wrong. For one thing, he wasn't well dressed, or even remotely gay. So it turns out my personal bigotry is occasionally off the mark. Who would have thunk it? Anyway back in dunners I started playing neopets again. Tina and Giffy both play it, and I used to, so for some insane reason I now do again. Alana had her mother feed me dinner. In the evening I worked myself into a right foul mood, about stupid things. Some to do with my mediocre marks (which I'll post once they are official, so far I only have the PIMS ones) and mostly to do with my ex, as I am a crazy freak who should just do the world a favour and die. Or atleast stop liking my ex, it's not helping any one, and at the rate I'm going my ex will murder me just to stop my being a constant pain.
Today I've stuffed around a lot. I finally lent some books to Meg and am now reading one of the couple I borrowed off her. And I just watched a movie on telly and now think I might have to find me a red head. Ging-ers are good.
Ergh, and I'm having one of those nights when I'm very tempted to sign off to my ex with some cheesy off hand "luv ya" type comment - but as it's a friendship I value, I think I'll try to be good, and just go to bed before I do anything that dumb.
Today's quote is from "".
Nobody likes me Everybody hates me I've gone down the garden to eat worms
13th July 2003.
Varisty starts tomorrow, and I entirely don't want to go.
Thursday I dragged Alana into town for lunch, and bought myself Neverwinter Nights, which I entirely couldn't afford, but I guess it'll all work out in the end. Thursday evening went to setting up the game.
Friday, I ran the auto-update on Neverwinter Nights, it took over three hours. During which time I read a chunk of one of the books Meg lent me. Then the game ate most of my afternoon. In the evening Rach came and took me out to go to a cafe wityh Midget, and then we went to Midget's place and chatted and caught up on styuff for a couple of hours. Midget even decided to do my hair - it was scary ugly.
Yesterday I stuffed around most of the day, in the late afternoon I headed to my family's place with some stuff my mother wanted and ended up staying for dinner, after a short trip to visit their neighbours, to be socialable and get my degrees back (which they had framed as my graduation present). Then I came home and chatted on the net for a while and then spent the night playing NWN until about 3am.
Today I spent playing the game until mid afternoon, then I came online and heard what great nights my friends had had. And then got very pissed off at the fact no-one had invited me out or even told me anything was on, no-one wanted me to be anywhere where they were going - and as happens in my life, this lead to me deciding no-one liked me, so I went off and killed some denizens of Neverwinter. I spent most of the afternoon extremely and irrationally angry. Mostly at Simon who I had talked to yesterday evening and who hadn't mentioned a thing about there being stuff on that might be worth going to. Though I suspect I had a bunch of other anger going on, as I was far too angry for it to just be about something so petty. I mean, I'm a stupid petty little man, but I hope I'm not that petty. I even got to the stage where I considered killing myself and leaving a suicide note listing a bunch of my friends and saying it was their fault. But then, that would be stupid and nasty and pointless and is just one of the sort of things that occurs in my head when I'm busily hating myself. I hate me. Then I had a shower and managed to scold myself due to a complicated string of events we'll call "Flatmate changed fuse wire and hilarity ensued".
I'm mostly less grumpy and pissed off now. I've been better, but I'm not quite so desperate to kill myself or someone else anymore.
Now I'm just wishing to die in my sleep, so tomorrow doesn't happen. I HATE pharmacy. Ok, I will miss about half my classes tomorrow for a dental appointment, but that isn't what anyone would call a step up.
I should stop writing this thing, or in years to come when I actually do get around to doing myself in, some police shrink is going to make some big rant about how it was predictable and avoidable and if it wasn't for the fact my anti-social behaviour had driven off all my friends then someone would have noticed in time to stop it. If anyone had cared. And I don't want my legacy to be a coroner's report saying nobody cared.
But maybe that is better than being remembered as the horrible stupid petty self-centred fuck-wit that I am.
Today's quote is from a song my kindergarten used to sing.
Dream, the third of The Endless, you are in charge of the Dreaming, all imagination and creativity, everyone knows your beautiful realm, but none truly understand it. You are dark and brooding, creative, and spend a lot of time by yourself, just thinking. You are almost as serious as Destiny, but not quite. Everyone is enchanted by you, but you keep them all at a distance, even when you shouldn't. Which Endless are you? brought to you by Quizilla (The people who write these things never seem to get them to match with people very well at all)
14th July 2003
- Sun in Leo. Dog days.
After writing the above I went for a walk - to walk the grumbles off. And after having started up the hill, for some reason I ended up going down Gladstone Rd, which after the nice warm day we'd had was still frozen solid and I spent a bit of the time actually sliding down the street. Then I got home and did the sit ups and push up till I hurt, by which stage physical pain had replaced my unpleasant mood, so I headed off to a very fitful sleep.
About two hours ago I woke up ina cold sweat, smelling like something died and feeling like I hadn't actually slept. I am going to be SO lovely today.
Though hearing there was a -8 degree frost on Sunday morning, I'm now less annoyed about missing a night out on Saturday, as the walk home would have been quite unpleasant.
You're Tigger. Playful and fun-loving, you enjoy hanging out with friends even though you don't always have to be the center of attention. You're never pessimistic or sluggish. Your enthusiasm is at once endearing and over-the- top. You're the quintessential extrovert. Which famous feline are you? brought to you by Quizilla (This test is obviously wrong - I am SO Garfield, I'm both too fat and too depressed to be Tigger)
15th July 2003
- Trans. of S. Swithin & Compp.
I went one of my morning classes yesterday before heading to dent school. For the next three hours I was in a dental chair with a rubber dam in my mouth and blood and drool oozing out the bottom of it. They had a few problems with things, and I suspect the girl did something wrong, as a specialist ended up doing quite a lot of it, and I now have a hideous little stump tooth (okay, it's about half length but flat and squarish on top and just not what my tooth should look like). Then I picked up my pills and headed home for an afternnon of hating my neighbours (who were having a big bonfire and had smoked my washing) and generally feeling like someone had kicked me in the head.
Today I went to my lectures, coming home breifly in a break I had to see that at 11:30 this morning my neighbours bonfire was still burning, they had added their couch to it. Then after my last class I went into campus proper to be vaguely people with anyone I saw who I knew. Once I was feeling a little less crap I headed home via the Gardens. It was there I bumped into Oli and Bridget, who then came back to my place, hung out and watched some Buffy. It was good, I should really hang out with Oli more often. Though mid-afternoon my tooth started to hurt again, and has been getting progressively worse ever since. Which can't be a good sign. If it keeps it up till Thursday then I think I will actually have to get it pulled, it's just been SO much hassel, and now that it's a mutant stump, losing it doesn't seem such a big issue.
I'm also not liking Pharmacy. I'm beginning to think I will have to pull out of it if I'm going to survive the year. Well, either that or actually get my head seen to. But the more I think about it, the more I know that I have absolutely no desire to be a pharmacist. I can't even visualize my being a pharmacist, yet I'm entirely able to visualize myself as a super hero, or a career supermarket shelf stacker.
You belong with Mark Darcy. You like your men smart,loyal and hunky. The fact that he is successful helps too. Though he appears to be tough,deep down he's a big 'ol teddy bear. When behind closed doors he's a tiger..grrr!Lucky you! Which Colin Firth is your daddy? brought to you by Quizilla (I was VERY bored)
16th July 2003
- Trans. of S. Osmund.
It looks like I might actually quit pharmacy. After all my bitching and not doing anything, I may actually do it for real. Of course, it is also possible that I won't. This is me, and I have no spine. Though I have emailed the associate dean to enquire as to who I should talk to about the possibility of pharmacy not being right for me. Which is more of a start than I ever expected to make.
Though if I quit pharmacy I'll probably never have the kind of money I would have if I stuck with it. But I might not have to kill myself quite as fast either.
The associate dean sent back quite a nice email being all nice and offering support. Damn it. If they are nice, I'll never manage to quit. But then doing pharmacy and becoming rich is the only way I'll ever end up not single, as noone is ever likely to want me for me, but if I was wealthy enough someone would be sure to want me for my money.
I think I have also come to something of a realization as to why I've been so not good recently. I've gone back into my habit of bottling pretty much everything and not really talking about anything to anyone. Through high school the only close friend I had was Oli, who I've never really felt comfortable having the big conversations about inner misery with. So I bottled everything up and never talked about anything, so my depression got all good and nasty. Then at varsity I started to open up a little, and eventually had a bunch of friends I was willing to talk about that stuff with, and even had a brief phase where I'd talk about it with pretty much anyone and everyone. But in the last couple of years my circle of friends has shrunk by a lot. It's got to the stage where Tina, Simon and Midget are the only people I really talk to about how I'm handling stuff at all. Except Tina and I aren't particulary good at keeping in touch with each other, as she has a life up in Christchurch, and Midget is quite open about judging me on things or dismissing things I say as unimportant - which though sometimes useful, often isn't - and Simon is too busy, and I suspect doesn't actually want to hear any of it. Which leads to me bottling again, and occasionally ranting in a sort of superficial and unrealistic way on here.
I think maybe I am going to have to get myself a shrink.
Most of the papers I would do as prep for my masters were all last semester. So if I drop pharmacy it'll either be for interest papers (eg 'ENGL327: Writing in Science', 'GENE211: Molecular and Microbial Genetics' and maybe a biblical studies, art history or classics paper - so as to do something that would kind of help with my masters) or to spend six months being unemployed.
I am a no friends loser.
And I should go offline, as I think I've put Simon off talking to me ever again by trying to be too helpful.
Go visit tibet.com
17th July 2003
- Kenelm, K. and Mart.
I went in this morning to try and pull out of pharmacy, and after a 45 minute-ish chat with teh assocate dean of undergraduate programmes, Dr Rosemary Beresford, I went off to micro feeling like I was doing the right this by staying with it. The feeling lasted about twenty minutes before the intense desire to not be there kicked in. I think she has nefarious mind control powers. So I sat through my classes and then met Alana for lunch. After lunch I wandered through campus and managed to spend a couple of hours talking to the various people I knew whom I bumped into on the way through. Mostly about how I want to quit pharmacy, but keep not doing it. And now I'm at home ranting about my self hatred at Simon, who is being very tolerant and annoyingly sensible in his suggestions. Ok, he's being useful and logical and is helping, which is all good. I really have to start being a better friend to him - except I'm a crap friend and I have no idea where to start, whenever I try it just seems to go horribly wrong and he just ends up pissed at me, or atleast I assume he is, as he stops talking.
Fuck I ramble on. I am such a fucking freak.
My problem is that pharmacy is probably the only way I'll ever make decent money. But I don't have any actual desire to do it at all. I shouldn't have even started it. I don't know what I was thinking. But then as much as I don't want to be a pharmacist, I have no idea at all what I want to do with my life. I don't know that I'm smart enough to get a job as an English academic, nor if I would be even remotely suited to the job.
I think I should go to the careers place sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow afternoon. I need something to look forward to. Something I want to do. Even if I stick through pharmacy and have it as the back up plan for when my life turns to shit, it still isn't the goal that I want to be looking forward too. I just have no idea where I want to go with my life.
Added to all this is my depression. I don't know if I'm hating pharmacy because I'm depressed, or if pharmacy is actually loathsome and is just adding to my depression. As there are a bunch of things I'm entirely not handling recently, and I keep not talking about any of them, whihc is probably making them worse.
Simon got all you-should-really-do-that when I made a passing comment about having my head seen to. And maybe I do need too. But I'm also shit scared of some stranger judging me and pressuring me into taking meds I don't want. And I can't even talk to my friends, even Simon, Tina and Midget don't get all that much out of me. I really don't think I could talk to a stranger when I'm not even comfortable talking about how I am feeling with my closest friends.
Maybe I should just curl up somewhere and die. It'd solve a bunch of my problems. Though the funeral would probably be an inconvenience to my friends, so it's entirely possible that none of them would even turn up. Except possibly Oli and Aaron, who could both use it to get a day off work.
Go visit tibet.com
18th July 2003
- Arnulph, Bp. and Mart.
I am such a git. i saw one of my friends today, and couldn't make eye contact, so I run across to the same side of the road. Still I am either not seen or being ignores. So what do I do. I yell out and make a complete dick of myself. It's no wonder I'm slowly driving all my friends away. Pity will only keep someone playing friendly with me for so long. I should just stop talking to people.
In other news, having had a long chat with my supervisor in the english department, it looks like I'm going to see out pharmacy, as chances for employment in medieval literature in New Zealand are almost non-existant, none of the universities here have taken on medievalists in quite a long time, and most are reducing their teaching of it. So it looks like if I want to stick to me field, I'll have to suffer through pharmacy to pay for it and keep me fed while I hunt a lecturing job down.
Go visit lugnet.com
19th July 2003
.
I am a big goober.
I think the lesson I learn from yesterday was that when someone I know doesn't want to acknowledge me in public I should just let it be. The fact I have friends at all is a miracle, and I shouldn't take it so personally that they would rather not have to admit their folly to others.
Yesterday evening I went to a family birthday party. My aunt Judith had a bit of a go at me about staying in pharmacy just for future employment reasons. She is strongly of the opinion that I should just do my english post grad and then worry about employment, as if I'm too old I won't be able to get a decent career. But then somehow I don't see four or five years making a huge difference when the employment rate in my feild is as low as it is, and if I go into it next year there will be someone I'm friends with coming out at the same time as me with a very similar specialist feild, so a gap between would reduce to amount to which we end up fighting for the same job.
That said, I think I might take a year (or two) out of pharmacy next year and do my masters, so I can see if PhDing is even in the realm of possibilities for me, as much as my supervisor thinks I probably have what it takes. He was also quite useful in that he doesn't flatter much, and cuts to the chase on things. Like the fact that, while I'm not bad, I'm not especially good either.
I've done nothing today. Just played some more of Neverwinter Nights and stuffed around a bunch. I was invited to two parties tonight, but one fell threw and it was too cold and I was too lazy to go to the other. So I'm being a sad old fart sitting around at home - the no friends loser I've become.
Fuck. Somehow in the ten minutes between deciding I was going to bed and uploading the above, and now, I've sudden fallen into the foulest mood. And it's over something really stupid.
I should just stop living, it'd make things so much easier.
Or maybe just stop having friends and caring what they think.
20th July 2003 - Margaret, V. and Mart.
After the last bit I added last night, I tried to ring a few people, with no luck. So I went to bed and lay awake for several hours alternately sulking, crying and quietly raging. I am such a self-centred pillock that I'd taken huge offence at something which had nothing to do with me at all. Even if the world did work the way it sometimes does in my head, it was at worst just forgetting that I exist, and yet I was very not happy. I really have to learn to rememeber that just because my friends are important to me, doesn't mean that they give a rat's arse about me.
I also really have to stop being such a head case. The fact that something which wasn't really any of my business had me processing through the effects an overdose on my meds would have (I'm pretty sure I'd pass out and the pee myself to death, which could be an interesting way to go... maybe) is probably a sign that I'll have to ask my doctor, when I see him in a few weeks, about having my head seen to.
Now, to get away from my wallowing in how crap and friendless I am.
I just spent this morning taking far too long to reply to an email from Wormgirl, and after it all, I think the reply was a little inadequate for the length of the email she sent me. Though I did get distracted updating a few bits of my webpage, mainly my university timetable and putting up this years crappy exam results.
I just got neopets guilt spam. Neopets should be free from that kind of things. Stupid poor orphans using the net to make money to get surgery scams.
Atleast last night cleared out a bundle of nasty festering emotion. I'd like to say it means I'll be a bit saner for atleast a few days, but really I think that fact I'm having a reasonably happy morning today is probably all the benefit I'll get from it.
Wow, I really do try to find the silver lining in everything. Like this morning when while talking to Renate, I justified doing pharmacy by the fact it gave me something to complain about on here.
I am such a git.
Wow, I've written in this thing everyday for eight days. That must almost be a record.
Ok, it turns out that the paranoia in my head last night was entirely wrong. Well, right about part of it but wrong about most of the rest. Well, atleast some of the rest. There is still the chance none of my friends like me and that they just put up with me out of pity and a few of the other things I was worrying about are also possibly right. But the important part to tell myself is some of them have proven wrong, so I shouldn't let myself get that worked up about nothing, or not much.
It's a good thing this thing doesn't really get read by anyone (or atleast anyone that I know of) or everyone would think I was a freak. Okay, chances are that everyone thinks that I am a freak anyway.
Though this thing does occasionally get me in to trouble, which means there are some sad freaks out there who feel that they are allowed to read someone else's diary just because it is on the net.
I'm a git. And I'm currently being a lousy friend to my ex. I'm trying, but it just seems that I'm useless. Go me.
I went to my grandparent's for dinner, as I needed to get out of my flat this afternoon, I'd felt another papranoia attack coming on, and needed to walk it off. SO I headed out, walking to town and then catching a bus as the weather seemed about to turn bad. Tea was good, though my idiot brother should have his vocal cords cut out. I also got a couple of my Dino-Rider figures back, as my grandmother didn't want my little cousin to eat them.
And now I'm moved from being useless back to my usual trying to hard, which is also useless, but more annoying.
I can but hope I get bonus points for having my heart in the right place, otherwise I suck as a friend.
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Moderate |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | High |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | High |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | High |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Extreme |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | High |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Low |
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test Okay, this thing is crap. But hey, it proves I'm a horrible person, and that's the look I was after.
21st July 2003
- Praxedes, V., not Mart.
ok, I'm not really in the mood to write tonight, but as I'm on a roll I thought I should write something today.
I hate pharmacy.
I had a day full of classes, and start at 8am tomorrow morning, for another day just as crap.
Ok, the law and ethics workshop wasn't THAT crap, compared to the rest of pharmacy. But it was still far from what I would call fun. Though I spent the communications workshop ignoring the class and starting to write a new Midget poem, as she keeps complaining about the old one. So now I have to try and out do myself.
I had pasta sauce on veges for tea, as I had all planned ahead and then got home to find I didn't actually have the pasta I'd thought I had. So I put rice crackers with it instead.
I've since spent the evening playing Neverwinter Nights. And my aunt rang me to have a long talk about what I'm doing at varisty and if I'm happy with it or not. She is very much in the camp that I should be doing what I want, and not planning primarily for money, but for happiness. But she also agrees I should probably try and keep my options open, no burning bridges and all. Which mean I'm actually going to have to keep doing work this year, and try and leave pharmacy with my transcript looking not too unhealthy.
I should go to bed, I'm going to be horrible tomorrow.
Go visit tibet.com
22nd July 2003 - Mary Magdalen.
I'm sick. During dispensing I kept almost falling over, and my head hurts, and I have a cough. I think I'll spent tomorrow in bed.
Today's quote is from .
Go visit tibet.com
23rd July 2003 - Apollinaris, Bp. and Mart.
Ok, on Monday evening I had started feeling a little off colour, and developed a bit of cough. Come yesterday morning, I slept through my alarm, was half an hour late to my first class, and then the back door to the lecture theatre was locked, and I wasn't going in the front, so I just didn't go. instead I sat in the Link and talked to someone until my 9am lecture was about to start. I got to the class, and was just about to go off to sleep when it was announced the lecturer wouldn't be coming and the lecture was not on. So I went back to the Link and talked to people until it was time for my 257 workshop, which ws long and painful and pointless, and I got picked on because the lecturer knew that I had a chem degree and should know the stuff. At lunch I had a terrible video clip inflicted on me, and then curled up in the Link and chatted to people, and dozed, and ranted about how I felt sick and should go home. But I didn't. I went to dispensing, where we made Emulsifying Ointment, and Aqueous Cream. And where I had an attack of not being able to stand without extra support. After dispensing I came home, and apart from an hour spent with Midget, I mainly just lay around feeling sick.
Today I got up sometime after 10:30, having woken up achey and warm. When I got out of bed I steamed. It was weird. And kind of gross. Anyway, all today was spent either in bed, or wrapped up warm in front of my computer. And I should go back to bed, I want to get well so I don't miss too much class, and (more importantly) so I can go away this weekend.
Today's quote is from .
Go visit tibet.com
24th July 2003
- Christina V. and Mart. With Nocturn. Vigil.
Appearantly, according to the alignment test, with 12 points toward good and 8 toward chaos, if I lived in the D&D universe, I'd be Neutral Good.
I've been hoping for chaotic evil, but I guess I'm just not mean enough, or man enough. I'm such a sad stupid little man.
And I'm still sick. The fever is gone, and the cough less painful, but I still feel pretty miserable.
I just hope I'm still sick enough that student health will give me a medical certificate. Otherwise I've failed terms already, so it may well turn out that I have to quit pharmacy, which wouldn't be so bad.
Actually, yesterday was the first sick day I've taken off in my six years at varsity. the only other time I had missed a whole day was for an out of town funeral (when my aunt Alice died). And now I'm taking a second one off, as i keep feeling like I'm about to fall over, and my head hurts, and my throat hurts after I cough. And because I don't care enough to go to class anyway (like I would have during my previous degrees).
Well, I'm now back from Student Health, with doctor's instructions to take atleast a week off in not two, and a med certicate saying I should take two weeks off. I think I'll go back to class on Monday. Or I'll get too far behind, and I dislike the course too much to put effort into making up classes.
It turns out I have influenza, and it has set my asthma off a bit.
I also almost fainted in front of the doctor, she made me do the big breath thing so she could see how bad my asthma was, and I went all dizzy and fell into the chair. Not the manliest look.
I might go back to bed.
Today's quote is from .
Go visit tibet.com
27th July 2003
- SS. Seven Sleepers, Martt.
Darn, I killed my streak of writing every day. Well, Friday I felt pretty lousy. And in the evening, when boredom may have driven me to writing, Midget came and entertained me, and supplied me with m&m's. And she also confirmed that I was indeed running a temperature.
Saturday morning I had to change my linen as I had all but drowned/boiled myself in my sleep. And I had a rash, though just when I had started to worry it was meningitis, I realised it was a heat rash.
ok, this isn't a good place to end, but I've finished my soup, so I'm going back to bed.
It's now the evening, and I'm not long back from the stupermarket. I very nearly didn't make it back. Which is a sign I'll probably also spend tomorrow in bed - I didn't properly get up until 6pm this evening, and I'm planning on being back in bed not long after 8pm. I hate being sick.
For some insane reason I thought I'd check the hitbox counter I put on my diary pages from September '99 until February last year. It turns out my old diary pages get an average of 5.5 unique hits per day, and including myself (to get at the hitbox link) have already have 5 unique hits on them today. This is disturbing, as it is diary entries which are really old. So I am going to choose to believe that it's just search engines. As I'm pretty sure neither Midget nor Katie are regularily reading my old entries, and for the most part I'm sure they make up pretty much all the reading of my diary pages. So search engines are where I'm laying the blame, especially as I barely have 5 people on speaking terms with me, the chances of five people actually looking at my new entries are pretty slim, and at my old entires impossible.
I'm rambling. or possibly even ranting. But I guess this is what the internet is for.
Atleast I'm just writing this shite and not putting my mind to Weasley twincest slash (sorry, I shouldn't take cheap shots at people, but sometimes I can't not).
Ok, it might be 8:30 before i go back to bed, as it is now 8, and I still haven't cooked myself some chicken soup yet.
16% of reader of my old webpages over the last month have found it using ninemsn.com.au, and 11% using google.co.nz, so a reasonable number are atleast semi-local, which is disturbing. 33% were from google.com, and about another 10% were from various other googles. I had 20 visitors who found my old diary entries with Yahoo, and 14 with MSN.
Fortunately most of the people who came to my old diary pages were searching for song lyrics I had quoted, and had no actual interest in me. Though other searches in the last month that found my diary included ones searching for chickenlady" site:.nz, vege dildo, ugly old hag photo, midget videos, horse porn, pavalova photos and photos of pavalova. Okay, it turns out hitbox explained the large number of hits, idiots come looking at my site trying to find other stuff. Especially as there are a couple of things on the list I'm pretty sure I've never even thought about, much less written about. 60% of referring domains were .coms, the other 40% were foriegn (17% from .au and 11% from .nz). Only 6% of those who came to my old diary pages in the last month used Netscape, and 2% used an "other" as 92% used microsoft's explorer. 5.4% of viewers were mac users and there was only a single lonely Unix user. The most common visitor ISPs were xtra.co.nz, AOL, attbi.com, ihug (like me), paradise.net.nz, and tmns.net.au. Fortunately I only had two unique hits from otago university computers. All up about 20% of those who looked were kiwis, and another 14% ozzies.
Wow, I'm really am going on about crap no-one cares about. Not even me.
Ah well, I was amused for a little while.
I should go to bed, I just have to go heat my Campbell's Chicken Soup first, so I eat something other than rice crackers and the tail end of the M&Ms that Midget bought me.
And I never actually finished my what I did yesterday/today thing. I guess that'll have to wait till next time.
Today's quote is from .
Go visit tibet.com
28th July 2003 - Samson, Bp.
At lunch time today I decided I was feeling a little better and that I'd go back to varsity tomorrow. Then later in the afternoon I collapsed off to bed for a nap. Upon waking it was quit clear that tomorrow is likely to be too early to return to classes.
Damn it. I am SO sick of being sick. I want to go back to class, even if it is just stupid pharmacy.
Who'd have thought I'd get so sick of being sick that pharmacy classes start to look good. I must say that I'm surprised.
And no-one is talking to me over ICQ. I guess my constant complaining about feeling sick has put everybody off.
I guess I should go to bed. Even though I only got up about 90 minutes ago, I'm feeling tired again.
Stupid influenza.
Fie upon it.
Today's quote is from .
Go visit tibet.com
29th July 2003
- SS. Felix and Faustus.
I slept for about 12 hours straight over last night / this morning. And I still feel all tired and like I might go back to bed soon. And it's not even noon yet. Infact, there is still about half an hour until noon, and I already feel like turning in for the day. It's screwy, yesterday I felt like I'd be well today, and then I go to sleep and wake up clammy with the cold sweats and smelling like sick person. It's like it was on Wednesday and Friday and Sunday. Every second day I seem to feel like crap, and on the inbetween day I stupidly think I'm getting better. It's SO mean.
Due to the large number of random stranger hits I seem to be getting, I'm considering passwording my diary pages. I've checked it out and it seems pretty easy and idiot proof to do, so I might later in the week. Which will mean stranger (and maybe not-strangers who should probably not be reading what I write about them) won't be able to read this thing. Though, that said, it would defeat the purpose of a weblog. So maybe I have to think about it a bit more first. Or just put the password somewhere obvious on my site, but not too obvious.
I'm sucking at neopet games. It is just a little embarrasing, I'm pretty sure they are mostly made to be small child friendly, and I'm sucking at them. I have Beginner, Amatuer or Novice scores in all the games I've played, except one where I got a Master score entirely through luck.
I think I might go back to bed. In twenty minutes it'll be noon. I am so pathetic. Atleast, as of yesterday, I'm eating solid meals again. I had been living almost entirely on soup, with rice crackers, toast and the m&m's Midget bought me adding some variety. But last night I had pasta and veges, it was all good. Go solid food.
Anyway, I'm off.
You all have fun now.
Ergh. I feel like crap.
I'm not long out of bed. I had a shower to get the sick person smell off, and now I just want to go to bed again, except my father (who I haven't seen since last semester) is supposed to be visiting, so I'm trying to be up and awake when he gets here.
I think he has a ticket to Fiddler on the Roof for tonight. So I may well leave the house today. Hopefully I'm well enough to enjoy the thing.
That enough for now, I feel crappy, and I've written more than enough about feeling crappy on here in recent days.
Wait, I should do the weekend catch up thing I keep putting off.
Saturday my brother visited, and because I was sick I said he could play Neverwinter Nights for half an hour, four and a half hours later I was awake enough again to kick him out. I'd pretty much slept the day away. In the evening I went to a farewell party for Renate, after having lied to ex about how unwell I was. I really shouldn't have gone, but it was fun, and I'm pretty sure I only pissed my ex of once or twice too.
My family is here, so I'll finish this later.
Okay, Fiddler on the Roof was good. But going out when I'm sick is a stupid idea, I now feel like absolute crap. I think I should go sleep. As of tomorrow morning I'll have missed more than a week of classes, I've now already done the week. And I'll probably never make it up. Possibly not the best thing.
Ah well, atleast when I fail I can blame that on the illness, and then use the having failed varsity as my excuse for become a no-friends loser hermit.
Today's quote is from .
Go visit tibet.com
30th July 2003
- SS. Abdon and Sennes, Martt.
I was woken up by the phone ringing this morning. Though I didn't actually come to fast enough to answer it, but it meant I was awake. That was at 9am. I lay in bed thinking for a while, as I didn't feel up to moving. A couple fo things occured to me. Eventually I got up for an hour or so and then went and slept for a few more before actually getting up for the day. Held up by Ventolin, Strepsils and an exoskeleton of Vicks VapoRub.
I'm still coughing like an old smoker, and wheezing to match. I still ache and am a little miserable, but I can now mostly walk without needing held up, and I'm pretty sure I'll be able to stay awake long enough to go to my lectures tomorrow.
And I had fish and chips for tea, which is probably a dumb idea, being what a hideous fat arse I am, but I've been living mostly on soup for so long, I needed the change.
I finished the M&M's Midget bought me today. They lasted well.
Anyway, the Saturday night I never get around to finishing the rant I need to make about. I went to the farewell party, and it was fun. I was too sick to be very social, but I stayed awake. I mostly just need to rant about a few things my ex said. One was the threat to read this thing, which I'm guessing was never followed through, being that I'm yet to receive any hate mail. There was also the bringing up of someone who used to like me but whom I had thought had long forgotten I existed, it seems I'm more memorable to some people than I had realised. Though the bit I really need to mention (and then try not to rant about as it will just lead into my usual crazy obsessive rant which makes me come across entirely nuts - which I possibly am, but that's not the point) is that when I made a passing comment about only freaks being attracted to me, my ex took offence. Okay, it was more mock offence. But still. My ex is not supposed to have ever been attracted to me. The fact that attraction was all one way, and that I'm an ugly unattractive mole, were central parts of my "plan to get over my ex". The fact that my ex may have been attracted to me at some stage in the past, when I was younger and less hideous, blows that entirely out of the water.
To be far, the plan wasn't working, it's been over 4 1/2 years, and I'm still far from having moved on. But now I'm more confused about it all than usual.
I am a nut.
While lying semi-awake this morning I realised a couple of the reasons I've been so paranoid about having no friends recently.
1) I don't have any friend in my course. I've tried, but me and pharmacy people just haven't really managed to click.
2) Someone I thought of as a friend has been going out of his way to avoid talking to me, even when I'm standing behind him in the queue at the stupermarket he'll avoid actually acknowledging I'm there as much as possible. And it's weird, as I've thought of him as a friend for years, and then suddenly he's not even being subtle about not wanting to know who I am. I think it possibly has something to do with his girlfriend. Whatever it is, it's making me paranoid that it's just the start of everyone I think of as a friend deciding not to waste time or effort on me anymore. Or it possibly shows that there are people I think of as friends who have never actually liked me and have have just acted friend-like because it was easy, or useful for something.
3) I realised I don't really know Simon very well at all. I think of him as one fo my very closest friends, but I realised there are people I barely even acknowledge as acquaintances who have told me more personal stuff about themselves. Okay, this has occurred to me before, and i'm sure I've ranted about it in here before to. He's one of the few people I ever talk to about stuff which is actually personally important to me, and he doesn't do the same back. Normally this doesn't bother me, but for some reason it did today.
In happier news, Wormgirl emailed me today. And it turns out she reads this thing, and wanted to make sure that if I do password this thing, that I'll send her a password. Yay for having a reason to feel like someone cares.
Her, Midget and Tina are usually pretty good at reminding me that not everybody hates me. Well, maybe not Midget so much, being that she occasionally feels the need to tell me that she does hate me.
Anyway, I should go. Writing on this thing has a habit of depressing me, so I should stop for now.
Today's quote is from .
Go visit tibet.com
31st July 2003 - Germanus, Bp. and Conf.
It's 8am, and I'm up, and showered to get the sick person smell off, and dressed to keep the cold off, and breakfasted, and mostly ready to have my first day at school in over a week. Hopefully I can get through it without collapsing or doing anything else too embarrassing. I'm even enshrouded in a thick cloak of my current cologne of choice, eau de VapoRub. Such a damn pretty smell....
I hate being sickly.
Anyway, I should go get ready for classes.Doh!
Stupid being Thursday!
I all went and got up thinking I have classes at 9, and it's the off week for labs, so I don't start till 11.
Argh.
I should just go back to bed for a while.
Well, I had classes. And I actually went. I'm not quite well yet, but I'm now well enough to sit in classes. Though I was suffering chronic mind wander. My head is still a little full of the crap I stuffed it with yesterday. Midway through my first lecture I suddenly started to care about the fact I know almost none of Simon's friends, or even of very many of them. I know he has friends. It's just that, for the most part, he's never talked about any of them to me. And okay, all my friend have friends I don't know. But Simon has been one of my closest friends for years, and I've never met any of them.
Okay, I'm being a nut. And all my friends have friends I don't know, but atleast I've always known some of them. I think the problem is that it's just feeding into my growing belief that he talks to me out of pity, and the friendship is entirely in my head.
But then they'd probably just turn out to think I'm a stupid freak like most of Wormgirl's friends do.
I'm all full of Vicks products.
Stupid being sick still. Atleast I'm progressively getting less sick, but still. It's frustrating, and only adding to my nuttiness.
I am such a nut.
I had lunch with Alana, it was fun.
I spent the afternoon being warm and feeling sickly and tired.
Midget and Katie kidnapped me for tea, which was pretty cool.
I should go, I feel the need to start ranting again, though I'm pretty sure there is more than enough rant here already. And as it is, I think I have enough on here to get quite a few people pissed off at me.
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