May 2005
Holidays over, term two is on.
2nd May 2005.
Today I am a poet. I was published in Critic so am pretending that says something good about me and thus having a happy day as a poet - tomorrow I will just be me again.
9th May 2005 - Translation of S. Nicholas. With ruling of quire.
Okay, I haven't written properly in ages.
I am currently full of too many cheeses and a variety of fruits. Feeling just a little sickly from it all. I went to a Ministry of Social Development Graduate Recruitment seminar this evening and stayed for more than an hour afterwards chatting to the people running it. When I was leaving they loaded me up with a big bag of leftover food. Of which I ate too much. And all the acid in the pineapple has left me with sore tongue. I think I will apply for their graduate recruitment program though, it doesn't seem a bad job and if it is once in the system I can transfer to some other Ministry of job.
I also have far too much free chocolate, and keep eating it while already feeling sick. I am really not a smart one.
Anyway, end of April I went to Christchurch for a few days to hang out with Tina before she left. It was pretty good, though I am going to miss her a lot.
In the last week I have been mostly just working on my thesis. For the most part just working through the electronic thesis that was bought for me by the department.
Over the weekend Shiny came down, and didn't get along with Midget.
16th May 2005.
Shiny is grating on my nerves, and attempts at dumping have ended in vain.
Maybe I'm just getting grumpier in my old age, but my tolerance is currently not so high and is leading to crankiness. I've also realised that after months I'm not really emotionally investing as much as I ought to be. Which is a weird sign and not a good one for things working. We get along pretty well as friends I'm just not convinced just now that more than friends was a terribly smart move.
Maybe my morning chem lab has just left me grumpier and more unhappy with things than usual. Maybe not.
Anyway, in the last week I've done work, and not huge amounts of other things. Someday I really should think about getting a life and being a bit sociable. Though I did catch up with Si properly for the first time all year in the weekend, and spent too much of my time in the office joking around with Lynda.
I also considered doing something morally reprehensible, but my intense self-righteous morality won out on the day. Which may count as personal victory.
Actually, interesting thing last week was my chem lab being filmed for some doco where they are following some freshers around. They were following someone who is possibly the worst student I still have (mostly the really bad ones have all quit now) and the practical didn't go well. It was actually funny in the badness of it all.
And WAHOO, my counter has passed 2000 in under two years.
My application to the MSD is now sent, if I come across as retarded it is now too late to fix it.
19th May 2005 - Dunstan, Bp. and Conf. Mem. of S. Potentiana.
Have eaten too much fruit tonight, not feeling happy about life. Stupid fruit making my stupid stomach feel all stupid.
Last night I went to the Capping Show, first one I've seen in all my many years at varsity. And it was terrible. Bad puns a plenty and little else.
Would write more but feeling very sick. Stupid fruits.
20th May 2005.
You can always tell a good day when you come home and read medsafe to see what drugs around your house will kill you the fastest and with the least or most pain. Least pain as it is the least pain, though runs the risk of you decided life isn't so bad afterward and going to hospital where they remove enough drug to stop you dying then but you go on to linger and eventually die on hospital from the damage. Most painful as you will continue safe in the knowledge that life sucks, but there is more pain.
Undecided as to which way to go about killing myself.
My proceedings paper for the conference I went to last year has been rejected. The whole point of the thing was any post-grad can speak and everyone who speaks gets published. Still, they reject me. I'm too retarded and useless to get published in a "we'll publish anything" proceedings. If I make it to tomorrow morning still to useless to even kill myself then I'm quitting my masters. It's about time I realised I'm just too stupid and have been fooling myself all along.
One bad point about killing myself, my pre-purchased Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince will go to waste. Well, I guess everything has to have a downside.
The feeling like I might cry is making me very, very angry. It's times like this I think the various shrinks who thought I needed to be medicated may have been right.
Maybe I should wait until the Ministry of Social Development reject me on Tuesday before doing myself in. Multiple reasons will stop it being stupid and impulsive and will reduce the amount it will annoy those few of my friends who will care. That said, either way it's going to piss off Tina.
I suspect Midget will also get annoyed about my death being inconveniently time and grumble that it wasn't booked ahead into a quiet spell in her diary.
Si suggests I don't kill myself at all. I worry about him, he has some crazy ideas.
I might head off, ranting a lot. I think I need to go get some lard for dinner. See if I can kill myself with heart disease before the weekend is over.
22nd May 2005.
Failed to kill myself, loserness confirmed.
In lighter news, I think my attempts at dumping may have finally got through to Shiny.
Otherwise, weekend has been entirely unproductive. Got a free lunch of expensive pizza out of my father on Saturday, which was good.
24th May 2005 - Feast of S. Saviour.
It is 11:13am, the Ministry of Social Development was going to ring this morning for the phone interview - I'm guessing it is not going to happen, especially as they had said from 8:30 onward.
I guess I should have just accepted that I'm plain not so fancy, I'm good but there are a lot that are better. Oh, well.
I found out yesterday that Scott's paper was also declined from the conference proceedings, and it was fantastic - what with his unnatural smartness and all. So clearly they were just discriminating against medievalists. Present-centric wankers.
11:19, still the phone does not ring....
11:28, nerves still on edge (have been since last night) even though it is pretty clear the call is not going to come.
11:42, I will die unemployed. My life will never go anywhere.
11:52, still waiting. Have mostly stopped being nervous with the having given up now.
11:58, morning is almost over.
12:04, I am now officially a reject.
12:10, still waiting in case they have a broadish definition of morning.
12:15, defeat accepted.
27th May 2005.
The rejection letter from Ministry of Social Development came today. Rejected I am.
Happier news, I've finally tracked down a trade paperback of American Gods. I've also been accepted to audition for NZ Idol - which will probably end in tears. But tears are character building, so it can't be all bad...
I have spent much of the week playing EVE Online, after a net friend gave me a two week free trial. It is like Ultima Online but in space and with even more open game play. It's making me happy, shame I can't really afford to be a paying member at the moment, it will have to wait for when I have a job.
Currently I am drunk, after using beer to softly the effects of a bad reaction to the dental anaesthetic - what was supposed to just be a simple easy filling left me numb from nose to neck and with a weird feeling that my skin was uncomfortably hot. For a while the tip of my tongue felt like it was burning. Now there is the definition of fun.
Anyway, back to playing EVE Online and then some sleep, my face feels bad, and my head worse.
31st May 2005.
My supervisor wants rid of me - he brought up my returning to pharmacy school during my meeting with him today. This concerns me a little. Possibly I am being paranoid. He did mostly shoot down the criticism in my reader's review and called a few of them entirely unfair - only three did he point out as valid, and they were. And he is mostly happy with what I've done on authorship. So it isn't all bad.
Yesterday I got letter of the week in Critic, which got me a $30 gift voucher (now spent buying myself The last Hero in all its illustrated Pratchett glory). In the afternoon I caught up with Tim, in town from Wellington, whom had earned my eternal love by picking up the trade paperback copy of American Gods being held for me in a second hand book store (in Wellington).
I still haven't thought much about my NZ Idol audition, but I have a seminar to give next week on stuff I haven't started yet, so I guess first things first.
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