While uploading all my old webdiary into this "shiny" "new" blog format, I was reminded of the shear number of times that I have thought "this is the first time I have seriously needed to call Emergency Psych on myself" and then not called them. And I am still here.
This is good as it reminds me that I never need to call them. I have felt that I was past the point of no safe return so many times and yet here I am. Clearly I have this shit sorted - even if the frequency that I am pretty sure it has fallen apart might suggest otherwise.
So with the recent stumbles I have had, I should be less worried. History assures me that it will sort itself out, even if I am currently not of the opinion that that is necessarily the best outcome...
Watching some TV and seeing an unhealthy/abusive relationship being portrayed, and it reminding me far too much of things with me and my ostensible partner, has not helped. I am too frequently finding myself thinking that 34 year old me threw me down a hole that as a 39 year old I keep thinking may prove inescapable or fatal. I'm not mentally strong enough for the situation I have allowed myself to be stuck in. And I keep excusing behaviour that hurts me, and have been doing it for so long that the default excuse now is that I enabled it by not stopping earlier non-ideal behaviours....
I am too broken to human.
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