Birthday dinners without me.

It is the Semi-Imaginary One's birthday.  He went off for a dinner to celebrate it, I was very clearly not invited.  This is pretty normal for us.  Today it just stings because there has been growing evidence that he is up to things he has explicitly promised me that he isn't up to.

Today, after I posted a birthday message on his Facebook wall, I got messaged by someone explaining they were his partner and didn't approve of my tone.  It is the same guy who the anonymous messages of the weekend before last were claiming I was being cheated on with.

It is getting very hard to trust the Semi-Imaginary One.  So many reasons to doubt, and I get given basically nothing to build trust upon.
Combine this with the fact that for years I have been unable to explain our describe our relationship without it seeming either like he is a giant arsehole or that I am just some ridiculous pushover masochist....  Well, it is starting to look like it may be time I take a serious look at the possibility of making myself a single person again - as much as that really doesn't appeal.

It is very annoying that I have ended up both very in love and very in like with someone who doesn't really seem to have much regard for me.  I get group hangs and L-bombs, but otherwise it is pretty much all silence, absence and caginess.

My feeling on the situation are pretty clear that I have found the one I should grow old with, but they are also pretty clear that I need to top myself to avoid dealing with all the awkwardness and torment of it all.  So my feelings are just unhelpful and can't be trusted.


I don't recall what I had intended to rant about on Tuesday.  Had had a reasonably pleasant date, actually spent a bunch of time just hanging out and talking.  The result of which is I have much more benefit of the doubt to give today than is probably good for me.

On Wednesday my body crapped out on me, and I missed class for the first time this semester.  Why does my body feel the need to remind me how sick I am.  My life is shit enough without my body being a constant jerk.  Even with my dad offering my a ride in, I wasn't stable enough to go anywhere until hours later when Carla and Ian kidnapped me for a bit to sit in front of their fire, pat their cats and eat food they had bought for me.  That was about all I had in me.

Thursday was spent entirely in PJs.  I am not doing great.

And then was today and present shopping for the Semi-Imaginary One, and being angry for the unwanted creepy contact and that fact my supposed partner is failing to explain WTF is going on.

Now just sitting and waiting for a promised visit that won't happen.  Because his standing me up is like our thing.....


[post midnight edit]
I sat waiting for hours.  With the heater on so my flat wouldn't be cold when he arrived.  At almost 2300 he texted to say he wasn't coming.
Some days he seems a lot like a raging shitlord.
I am 73% certain he doesn't mean anything by his tendency to forget about me.  But sometimes it is hard.
Things that need explained have also not been explained.  I guess that will happen when he comes to get his presents, if he does.