Jojo Rabbit

I realised last night as I was failing to sleep that I have not done any preparation for my exam yet and part of that was an underlying assumption that maybe I wasn't going to be alive by exam time anyway.  Maybe there was a valid reason why my counsellor thought I was seeming a bit too much of a self-harm risk.

I probably would have forgot that thought forever once I slept, except the memory of it popped up today when I mentioned that I probably don't want to celebrate my 40th any more.
Planning a 40th is far more commitment to staying alive than I am entirely comfortable with just now.

I am not doing okay.
Have to keep focusing on how my death would just be another victory for Shitlord, and he has won enough already.
This is slightly at odds with the bad moments in the last year when he was who had to stay alive for - his very firm opinion that I wasn't allowed to die on him was one of the few things he had said that my friends actually liked him for.


This morning Firmin took me to Jojo Rabbit to distract me from myself.  And for a walk afterwards.
It was good.
I have very good friends.  I have to remind myself that when things are dark.
And when things seem like Shitlord being in my life would make it better.  I have great friends, I shouldn't be trying so hard to get a friend who is yet to show any evidence of being great just because I am all stupid about him.  Love is dumb.