Before dawn

I panicked awake from a dream just after 4am. Convinced that I had crapped myself. Obviously I hadn’t.
Two hours of lying awake, crying and over thinking while I failed to get back asleep means it is now almost time my hosts will be getting up.
Well, one of them was briefly walking around about 5, but that was a very temporary thing.


I had to block the Semi-imaginary one from my Facebook feed. So many photos of someone who had somehow convinced me that I wasn’t allowed to share our relationship online, sharing the new one. While still not having actually said anything about it to me.

This whole thing has been slap in the face after slap in the face.

I wasted so much of my life on someone who never had any real regard for me, and somehow played me without really even being in my life.  What I have been calling him on here should have tipped me off to the fact I was being played.

But I love him. And I knew my like for him was stronger than his for me. Though I had seriously mis-guessed the magnitude of the difference. My friends all knew it.  And yesterday it was confirmed that he friends also knew it, though like me they seemed surprised at how little he had turned out to care.


I just can’t get my head around what his plan was. Not the long term why he was stringing me along one, thinking about that at all gets very painful, very quickly. But with this trip. Trying to conceal from me that he was even out of town, then proving to be romantic tripping with someone he’d been denying to my face for months and who he already knew likes to gloat. There was zero chance he wasn’t going to get busted. So why the fuck was he talking growing old together only days before he left.  He had already made his choice so why keep doubling down on a bridge you have already set the charges under?
It makes no sense to me.


Also, having blogged this much before 0630, not a great sign. Especially considering I am out and typing with finger on screen.