Survived the night.

Yesterday morning Oli came around and chatted for a few hours.  It was a very good distraction from how much I am failing to deal with stuff.  We chatted until mad afternoon, the I washed and got ready and went for a walk on the beach with Midget.
Talking to Midget led to another round of the "dude, your relationship was toxic and why didn't you talk to anyone about that arsehole-ish stuff" that a lot of people have given me now.
There is a bit of a consensus that I was concealing from my friends how bad things were.  And I think she was a bit frustrated by how well she had got along with Shitlord when she met him.
I cried a bit because that is pretty much what I do these days.  I am pretty embarrassing to be right now.
Then was late to home and Firmin was far too patiently sitting in his car waiting to make sure I had dinner and then take me to roleplaying.  The usual Wednesday game had become a slightly longer Friday game so the GM could wrap up the story.
After playing the same character since June 2016 it is pretty sad to be saying goodbye to Gusil.  In the decade-ish since old friend got me into actually roleplaying, this is by far the character I have put the most into.  Not just time, maybe even some affection.  Being in a bad way with my relationship may have made me slightly more emotionally invested in this game over the years than I should have been.
I cried a bit more on Firmin on the way home.  He has to put up with a lot from me.  i am very lucky for the friends I have.

This morning I woke up feeling very sad.  While I watched Disenchanted to try and distract me from it, it means I just cried through my watching of the entire second season.
I also tried chatting to a perfectly nice stranger from too far away to be any kind of threat on a dating app.  It was pleasant, but made things very clear I am not ready to be meeting new people.



I find myself wishing I had kept blogging over the last decade.
Why did I stop blogging when my memory got highly unreliable.

And I have to wonder if I had been blogging I might have been more analytical in my thinking about my relationship.  I would not only have a better notion of when it went wrong if I had recorded how it felt like it was going at the time.

But simply having a better record of when it turned unpleasant would be useful.  Maybe.

I am doing much worse at cutting Shitlord out of my life than I would like.  I still default to him being the first person I want to tell stuff to.
I am becoming more certain that he is not redeemable enough to be friends with, but I still really want him to be.  He has been so bad to me for so long, but I still really wish I could find a way to keep him in my life.

I have never stopped caring for someone I have cared about.  There are friends (I guess technically former friends) that I haven't had any contact with in almost 20 years about whom I still find myself worrying if they are well or happy.
I don't know how to intentionally cut someone out.

I blocked the new guy so that I can't see anything of their life together even if I wanted to.  And also so I can never be tempted to read or reply to his attempts to contact me again.
I may not yet be able to cut Shitlord from my life, but I can cut out the guy he spent four years two-timing me with.  Not that it counts, considering he is a stranger.  A stranger I wish I had known about four years ago.

Before Shitlord wasted a quarter of my adult life and left me a twisted knot of self-hate.