I didn't leave the house yesterday. I just watched bad TV and sulked the Friday away.
My plans to go to the climate protest vanished away like midnight smoke as I had serious moping to do in my PJs. I just didn't have the human to go outside. Though I was eating some junkfood. Finally ate the block of the new Cadbury pineapple lump block - having bought it for myself over two weeks ago. I was too easy to eat.
The only reason I even opened my door all day was because my dad visited after dinner, he had come down for the weekend - may be mostly to check on me. He stopped in for a brief chat.
Last night I almost slept. Must have been six whole hours, though a bit broken up.
Then this morning I decided it was time to test out the new switch controller, so I played some Zelda: Breath of the Wild. It is much less frustrating with a decent controller - though feeling a bit weird that I chose the Mario themed one and not the otherwise identical Zelda themed one when I bought a controller for Zelda...
Then lunch with dad and my sibling, followed by some grocery shopping.
I am not quite sure what I did with my afternoon, I think I may have mostly zoned out - though there was also a bit more Zelda. And then dinner with dad at Mitchells in Caversham.
After dinner we sat in his car outside my flat and talked for a bit over two hours. Mostly about how much I suck as a human. The wilful blindness that allowed Shitlord to happen to me. The general being an idiot who is too open and trusting. The mind that is not my friend.
My dad pointed out I was generally unfairly harsh on myself.
When then got into a discussion about how unhappy a child I was, and at how young I had started to express my wish to be dead.
Dad is helpfully very aware of how much my parents were open about not wanting me when I was small. My mother would deny it, though she was the worse offender. Even as a child I was aware that she only showed any sort of affection to me when using it against my father. It meant I had a complicated relationship with their domestic disputes.
My father being so aware of the things they did that broke me does not really help me human though.
Shitlord and I exchanged a couple of messages. I expressed some spiteful glee about the Metallica concert being cancelled after he bought tickets without even asking if I might want to be included. And bought them in shady as fuck circumstances that I am still 80ish% certain was mostly cover for him hooking up with someone. Because he explanation of the trip he had to take made no sense and was inconsistent. But there are so many seriously dubious things that I know I will never get explained.
Which makes his message encouraging me to forgive him faster all the more infuriating. I am pretty certain he knows how much of a jerk he has been, and how much damage he has done (much of which I had told him was happening at the time - but I didn't know the context that he knew).
I am not sure if he is just used to people letting him away with stuff, or if he has just got very used to my thinking what he wants me to think.
I am finding that it is getting easier.
The pain has felt different today. Much less chest pain and less driving need to cry. The nausea has been eased ever since I brought up my interest in watching him die in a fire.
I may be making progress. Obviously still angry at him, and myself. But the painful sadness is losing its edge. Hopefully I can keep things moving in that direction.
That his texting didn't get me upset tonight is a huge improvement.
And yes, I know basically all my readers are going to be angry at me for continuing to engage with him at all.
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