Thoughts are hard

Blogging now because I just learnt the hard way that muting a text conversation on my phone does not mute it on my tablet.
I thought I was safe from seeing Shitlord messages until I actually built up to look, and then there was an apology and an explanation that I may think I was being manipulated but that was never happening and he never meant to hurt me.
I feel a lot like I am being manipulated into thinking there was no manipulation.
I have mentioned to a couple of people, and maybe on here before, how much Shitlord is my parents.  My dad's evasive, shadiness and emotional withholding, and my mother's gift for weaving ingratiating lies and seeming to genuinely always believe them when she tells them.  He is so much my parents that I should have seen what was happening.  But really it just explains why I so easily normalised all of his shitlordery over the many years.  Why I trusted good intentions from someone who does not seem to have had such.  It is how I was raised to respond to being treated that way.  It was normal...

Also, fuck.  First time I fully fall for someone as an adult and it is an evil hybrid of my parents worst traits.  Someone want to call Freud on me....

Maybe I am being unfair and projecting.
But his dick moves are too much like things my parents would do.  Things my mother would do and then describe, if questioned, as a sign of moral virtue.


Anyway...

I had porridge for dinner last night. I still wasn't doing great at eating even before things got even less pleasant.  Then Simon and Joe rescued me from myself and I spent the evening watching them potter about their house.  I discovered Facebook's ignore function to block messages from Shitlord's 'new'/other/actual guy, because no good can come from that - but still lets me see how many were sent and when the most recent one was (I guess it would let me read them, but that will never be an issue - I get my selfharm with messages from Shitlord himself).  It appears he has been messaging at my silence through a bunch of the night.
And then I muted Shitlord himself.  I can't bring myself to block him yet.  Can't bring myself to actually prune him from my life.  Not yet.
I still have so much love.  He never deserved it but I am not sure I can stop having it for him.  At least I can learn not to give it to him.  If it is so useless for me, then it shouldn't benefit anyone......

And I had a good rant at Simon while he did some housework.  He explained that he has known for a long time (a couple of decades) how easily manipulated I am, and has worried about it.
He gave me little chocolates and a biscuit in case I needed them over night (I brought them home and they are now with the similar he gave me last week - I have yet to manage to eat sugary goodness)
He is good people.

Joe is probably alright too.  He and I have never got along well enough for me to really be able to judge.  But he seemed happy enough for me to stay over, again.

I got almost five hours sleep.  Which is much better than I have been managing for most of the last while.   Gads, it all only blew up ten days ago.  It feels like it has been going far longer.

Ten days ago I just assumed my unhealthy relationship may eventually drive me to kill myself, but at least I was weirdly certain he kind-of-loved me and was trying as hard as he was capable of to make it work (which was basically zero). 

Now I want four to five years of my life back.