Shit, but not actual poop - at least none that would feature in the story

I have still not responded to the fake seeming apology text Shitlord sent last night.
There is just nothing I can say that isn't just opening myself to be hurt by him even more.

I went to bed so late last night and didn't sleep well even then.  The apology texts had let me pretty messed up.  Maybe that was the plan.  I say that, because people are telling me a lot that I am too generous in my interpretation of his behaviour.
I still want to find a way that everything he has done was just a decent guy fucking up a bunch.  The problem is that I can't make it fit.
No matter how hard I try I can't find an explanation where he was not maliciously using me.  Though I also can't find a reason why he would have bothered doing that.  I assume everyone reading this has seen what he looks like - I am confident he easily could have found willing randoms to fill whatever it was he was getting from me.
Maybe he will explain some day, if I cave and let him back into my life enough, but I suspect he never will.


Several of my friends are losing patience with me.  Especially one of my closest friends who is slipping into being evidence in support of all my blaming myself for the five years of everything.


I mostly just wallowed today, though did briefly go out with Midget and my god-daughter for a little mini golf (that got rained out on hole 5).
Mostly have otherwise failed to do anything much.  My mind is foggy and confused about everything.  Some will be from the lack of sleep, but most is just the depression being in the form where it makes me dumb.
So dumb.
Even simple thoughts are being hard to form.