Disclaimer

Though a "Diary" my online diary is a work of FICTION.

It may at times strongly reflect actual events of my life, often how I honestly perceived them and display my genuine reactions. But not always and everything contained within should be treated as a fiction.

This is also a personal diary, so by reading it you are violating my privacy. And as it is a personal diary you are not allowed to hold anything you read in it against me, as you shouldn't have been reading it anyway.

Also, this diary is not to be read by anyone who has gone out with me, would like to go out with me in the future, or suspects I may like to go out with them.






Click Here for the old site, as backed up by Wayback Machine (I have gone with the 2007 version as it is the latest that is still before vodafone crunched a bunch of my files)

Sunday, 6 October 2019

Brain = monster

I am missing Shitlord tonight.
So much.
The absence of him really hurts - which is ridiculous as he was basically never around for most of the relationship anyway.

So frustrating after weeks of realising more and more how much of his behaviour was tailored to control me.
I worry this missing him was something he manipulated into me - but really he just made me dependent on him without any real thought to how that would affect me once things were over.  I am pretty sure he never spared a thought for how any of his actions would affect me outside of what that would do to him.

It is also upsetting that the assumption that he never thought about the affects he would have is the best case scenario.
The assumption that he was malicious fits the data slightly better but it not a world-view I am yet willing to concede to.
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